Winston: Hey, you want to split that pasta from last night, hmm? Winston and Furguson 'bout to split some pasta. Yeah, man, you know I got "wuv" for you. Got nothing but love for you. Go ahead, chill out, man, I'll make you some coffee. [off everyone's look] What? So what are y'all talking about, going on dates? Oh, y'all are talking about that. Okay, cool. Nobody invited me. Is it 'cause I'm single? I mean, I I know I'm single. I'm okay with it. It was a choice that I made as a man to be alone. Don't nobody know you like you, so I'm I'm choosing to know myself, who I am. And if that's okay with you all, can I come?
Schmidt: All right, where should we go tonight, you guys?
Winston: What about that new spot Picca?
Schmidt: A day-of rezzie at Picca?
Winston: You guys don't think I can do it, huh? Well, funk that. Bishop can get a table at a chair store.
Jess: Well, that's it, then. Double date plus one!
Winston: You know what would be nuts? If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
Nick: Ah, don't do that.

Winston: [on the phone] Hello, Picca? Yes, I need a table for five. This is author Toni Morrison. I am? Well, oh, yeah? Well, I think you're a woman! Hello?

Schmidt: [on the phone] Hey, Elizabeth, what are we doing tonight?
Elizabeth: Dexter and pie.
Schmidt: Girl, you treat me right. [to Cece] Hey, there she is, my one and only.
Cece: Oh, thank God, coffee. I barely slept last night.
Schmidt: Yeah, me, too. I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes when you jammed that sock down my throat.
Cece: I aim to please.

Cece: Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
Jess: Yeah, yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky? My bro and my ho.
Nick: My penis it's gonna be exposed.
Jess: It's okay, just cover up.
Nick: Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
Cece: It's about Schmidt.
Nick: Okay, I'm not involved in this at all. Hiding from the world. You can't see me, I can't see you.
Cece: I know this sounds totally paranoid, but I think he's on drugs.
Nick: Schmidt on drugs? Okay, not getting involved starting now.

Cece: It's just like he's had this crazy energy lately. And did you see how insane he was when we were talking about the double date? Also, he has just, like, stopped blinking. Is that whippits?

Winston: [eats mint drop] Yeah, so that's glass. That ain't no mint. Nope. Definitely glass, and I swallowed that, so you should consider, uh, a sign.
Hostess: Do you have a reservation?
Winston: You know, it's funny that you would ask that because, you know, I tried to call, like, but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation for tonight around 8:00 p. m. Let's say, like, five people.
Hostess: I have an 8:30.
Winston: Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
Hostess: Seven weeks from now.
Winston: Wait, what, what? No, n-n-n-n-no. Look, there's got to be something that you can do.
Hostess: Well, you could try your luck at the community table.
Winston: Community hell, no. Listen, um, sorry, you don't understand. This has to be an official reservation.
Hostess: No.
Winston: I'll tell you what, maybe this will change your mind. [writes on card]
Hostess: "I owe you a hundred dollars."
Winston: Oh, hell no. No, that that was supposed to be a ten.

Schmidt: I feel terrible about this, I don't know what to do.
Nick: How could you do this with Jess's best friend?
Schmidt: I don't know, I feel really badly about it!
Nick: In your little brain, how do you see this ending?
Schmidt: I see it ending badly. I see it ending very, very badly.

Jess: Schmidt! Hey! My best friend?! You Long Island street trash!
Schmidt: Damn it, Nick, you told her?
Jess: No, he didn't tell me! I I happened upon it.
Schmidt: Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square?
Nick: Jess, I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty.
Jess: Put your freakin' visor down. Now, you you're gonna tell Cece or I will, you you crumb bum!
Schmidt: Yes, well said.
Jess: You are a lowlife.

Cece: What's going on, man? You guys were acting all so weird back there, and you're driving like a maniac.
Schmidt: Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want to have to say anything, but... Here we go. Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
Cece: What?!
Schmidt: Apparently, they met at some gas station. She's much older. Much, much older. Deeply Korean. I just found out. And, I mean, Nick is my best friend and all, but I can't even be in the same room as that scumbag right now! Oh, I'm so mad! I'm just so, so mad! I'm terribly angry about the whole situation. I can't even drive. Take the wheel. Oh, why, God?! He was the best of us! Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
Cece: Sorry.

Winston: [on the phone] Hey, Jess. Yeah, fourth message. Just a friendly time update. 8:13, hope you guys aren't bailing on me, or maybe you just lost track of time being couples! [laughs] Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.