Captain Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Ralph Roberts: What are you afraid of, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Fire.
Ralph Roberts: You're afraid of fire? Well, I have some good news for you.
Adrian Monk: And heights.
Ralph Roberts: And heights. Okay, then today is your lucky day.
Adrian Monk: Germs, needles, milk, crowds, spiders, sand...
Ralph Roberts: That is quite a list. You have been living in darkness.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, darkness, yes. Elevators, earthquakes, mushrooms, tigers, boats.

Dr. Kroger: Relax, Harold. Just take it easy. You'll be okay. We're gonna get a doctor. We'll get a doctor.
Adrian Monk: How's he doing?
Dr. Kroger: He's gonna be okay. Did you see what he did? He took a bullet for me, Adrian.
Harold Krenshaw: Monk. Monk. Come here. Closer. [whispers] Beat that.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie: Yeah, it's okay. That's not gonna give her enough time. It's all right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Natalie: Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the 49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding?
Natalie: Yeah. Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie: Okay. You're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no, I'm sure we could make that work.
Natalie: Oh, great. Because I lied. But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks.

Natalie: Okay, everybody listen up. Okay? We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop. Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hand. Yay, wiping is fun. And no touching Santa's face. And try not to breathe on Santa. Remember, Santa isn't always jolly. Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.

Operator: 911. Emergency?
Adrian Monk: You've got to help me. Uh, look, I've just taken in a two-year-old boy. My, uh, assistant isn't home and I can't- I can't reach her. Oh. Oh, God. Oh.
Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere. BM. It's BM. BM. BM. It's BM.
Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying BM now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, he's soiling his his diaper with, you know, with BM.
Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper?
Adrian Monk: Hurry.
Operator: Okay, listen carefully. There should be two Velcro straps on the sides. Find the two straps.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
Operator: Now rip 'em open.
Adrian Monk: Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, the humanity.
Operator: Okay, sir? All right, do you have any wipes?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I've got about 2,000.
Operator: That should be fine.
Adrian Monk: It's not going to be enough!
Operator: Sir, you're gonna have to wipe your son's bottom. [wails on the line] Sir, is the boy all right?
Adrian Monk: He's fine. That was me. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. He's making more.
Operator: I-ls it number one or number two?
Adrian Monk: It's one and two and... And... Oh, my God. It's... It's three. It's number three.
Operator: Sir, I'm afraid you're on your own. This line is for emergencies only.

Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.

Sharona: You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh It's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that 95% crap.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100% sure that she probably killed him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: 95%.

Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!