Adrian Monk: When I was on the force, I used to hate cashing my paycheck. I still do. To me, police work is like a higher calling. Like the priesthood.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, even priests have to get paid. But it brings up an interesting question. Something I would like to explore with you. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Adrian Monk: Well, uh, I guess I'd hire you full time. And keep you on retainer. 24/7. Maybe I'd buy you a house right next to mine. So I could just drop in anytime. This is fun. What would you do with a million dollars?
Dr. Kroger: Buy an island. A desert island in the middle of nowhere.
Adrian Monk: So we would do our sessions over the phone?
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Well, see, this island, in my mind... No phone service.
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess I'd have to buy a boat.
Dr. Kroger: No, see, that's funny, because, the island, in my fantasy... No dock.

[flashback:]
Lieutenant Disher: Were you alone?
Evan Gildea: No. I was with her. [removes a sheet covering a sculpture of a naked woman]
Adrian Monk: [squeaks]
[present, in the court room:]
Adrian Monk: [squeaks]
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: Could you read that back, please?
Stenographer: Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked... [squeaks]

Adrian Monk: Do you see a journal anywhere? She supposedly kept a journal. [opens closet] Huh. Looks like she had some roommates. A cheerleader, a French maid. Wait. Oh, you know what? They weren't roommates, Natalie. This is a love nest. That's what it is.
Natalie: You think?
Adrian Monk: This is one of those love nests that you read about.
Natalie: Yeah, but for who? That's the question. Who was she meeting? Oh, my God!
Adrian Monk: What? What is it?
Natalie: Nothing. It's nothing. Mr. Monk, don't open that drawer, you understand? Whatever happens, whatever you do, don't ever, ever, ever... ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever open that drawer!
Adrian Monk: What if there's a clue in there? What if it could solve the case?
Natalie: I don't care!

Adrian Monk: Your honor, I will not be able to serve today, unfortunately. For a number of reasons. First off... There's the bathroom situation. I can't share a bathroom. I just can't. You can ask Natalie. Natalie?
Natalie: Yeah, he's persnickety. He's very persnickety. He's persnickety squared.

Jimmy Belmont: You know, there are no secrets in a town like this. I know all about you, former Detective Adrian Monk. I heard you were dancing with Sheriff Butterfield last night. Badly. Heard you were askin' about me. Well, here I am. Now, you wanna ask me something, you go right ahead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy Belmont: Fields of reefer? What kinda cop were you?
Adrian Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
Jimmy Belmont: What makes you think that I'd actually--
Adrian Monk: Magic dragon, bambalachi, Yellow Submarine, Black Bart, Dr. Giggles, Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talkin' about. I'm talkin' about Railroad Weed, that's right. The Devil's Parsley. Skunk, Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy Belmont: Side Salad?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lieutenant Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

Adrian Monk: What about her lipstick?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lipstick? Looks like he took it.
Lieutenant Disher: Lipstick Killer. Lipstick Assassin. Mr. Lipstick. I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
James Novak: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: If you can name them, you can catch them.
James Novak: Why?

Sharona: Sir, you have to stop that train! He's all alone!
Police Officer: Okay, okay, okay. Shh, calm down. Calm down, calm down, calm down. Ma'am, this happens all the time. What's his name?
Sharona: Um, Adrian Monk.
Police Officer: Okay, how old is he?
Sharona: He's 45.

Adrian Monk: We used to come here all the time.
Monica Waters: You and your wife?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it's so different. That blackboard was over there, and I think the salt and pepper shakers are new.
Monica Waters: Is that it?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that- That's it.
Monica Waters: You don't like change, do you?
Adrian Monk: I have no problem with change. I just don't like to be there when it happens.

Adrian Monk: Just come in! The door's open. [screams as vacuum covers him in dust] Natalie! Natalie! Natalie!
Sharona: Adrian? What happened?
Adrian Monk: Well, it just blew up in my face! Call 911.
Sharona: No, no, no. We don't have to call 911. Just come with me.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I can't see. It's a code red, Natalie.
Sharona: I don't know what code red means.
Adrian Monk: Code red! We talked about this. We had practice drills.
Sharona: Okay, just- You're gonna be fine. Just splash some water on your face. Splash it on your eyes.
[After Monk splashes water on his eyes and finally sees Sharona, he tries cleaning out his eyes again]
Sharona: Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: What year is this?