Phil: [aside to camera] Dunphy Tower: My first commercial real-estate development. I've been dreaming of building it since I was a kid, and now it's all happening. Well, minus the trampoline park on the roof and the tunnel to my best friend's house. I am still holding out hope for a fireman's pole that takes you to the parking garage.

Phil: Obviously, this was meant to be a group hug, and my invitation got lost in the mail.
Gloria: Phil that crazy phone booth that you ordered for your magic trick It's already at my house.
Phil: It's here two days early?! I can shoot my how-to video today! Haley! Showtime!
[aside to camera:]
Phil: It goes without saying that the greatest trick to come out of World War II is the Normandy Phone Booth. Over the years, its reputation has ebbed and flowed. It was famously booed at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival. Of course, this is a time when most people are into protest magic. So naturally, they would thumb their nose at a classic trick where a heroic soldier dashes into a phone booth to make a world-saving call while it slowly fills with water! Come on, hippies! God!

Cameron: Okay, get ready to pig out!
Mitchell: In six to eight hours.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I did Thanksgiving dinner last year, and it didn't go well.
Mitchell: Cam blew up the turkey and made the goat kill itself.
Cameron: Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal, and I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig. So, you just dig a hole, you put down a bed of coals, then a layer of banana leaves, lower the pig, cover it with burlap and tin foil, and bam! Six hours later, you dig it all up, put it on a platter, and bam! Dinner is served.

Claire: Do we think that Haley is suited to a professor, because I more saw her with a Gilligan type?
Phil: Come on, now. Lots of happy couples aren't the exact same level of smart.
Claire: That's true. We work.
Phil: Yeah. Wait. When you say, "We work," do you think you're smarter than me or I'm smarter than you?
Claire: I think I'm smart enough not to have this conversation.
Phil: Oh, my God! You do! You think you're smarter than me! Okay, hotshot. How many patents do you have? Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun, Polite Car Horn that'll put an end to road rage. [high-pitched] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Alex: Okay, I've been feeling some pressure about what to do after I graduate this year, and my parents are constantly asking me about it.
Gloria: I thought that you were going to work.
Alex: So did I, but lately, I've been questioning everything. I even thought about becoming a fellow.
Gloria: [gasps] Ay, Alex, that's a big change. But at least you get to keep the same name.
Alex: I'm not even sure it's what I really want.
Gloria: Okay, you have to be very sure, because I heard it's even harder to reverse it.

Haley: Hey! You find it?
Dylan: No, but I just realized why they call rolling two ones with dice "snake eggs."
Haley: That's snake eyes.
Dylan: Oh. Then what did I realize?

Jay: Crap. Crap. Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
Gloria: In Colombia, when the old man starts yelling at the mail, we put them on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in.