[flashback to January 2010:]
The Mother: Okay, this is crazy. Do you know where this umbrella came from? Because I could've sworn l... What's wrong? Are you okay?
Cindy: We broke up.
Ted: Ugh. Well, I never liked him, and I never thought he deserved you... and I am sorry. I didn't know you were dating someone. Who was this?
Cindy: He was the architecture professor, the one who taught Econ 305 by accident.
The Mother: Oh. That guy? Why did you break up?
Cindy: He's got a thing for you.
The Mother: What? What? He's... What? Um, how could he have a thing for me? He's never even met me.
Cindy: He didn't have to. Everything he saw of yours, he went crazy for.
The Mother: You should have brought him to my room. He would've run screaming once he saw my calligraphy set, my coin collection, my chain-mail corset from the Renaissance fair. Well, that's pretty cool.

[flashback:]
The Mother: So we got dinner.
Kelly: And?
The Mother: He's nice.
Kelly: Nice? He sounds amazing. Handsome, good dresser, paid for dinner. What more do you want? Do you know how rough it is out there? I once met a guy claiming to be a genie whose penis grants wishes.
The Mother: Oh, my God. Who would even fall for that?
Kelly: The point is, Louis sounds great.

[flashback:]
The Mother: "Bass player wanted." That is what the ad said. Can you believe that? After I'm the one who invited Darren into the band. What am I gonna do?
Lily: You need to steal this douche-monkey's van and then run my husband over with it.
The Mother: While that's very tempting, I've never really been the type of person to...
Lily: "Must be hotter than the girl we have now, who in my opinion is a 6 at best."
The Mother: [smashes glass]

The Mother: Louis.
Louis: Will you marry me?
[later:]
The Mother: Can you give me a minute?
Louis: Um... Okay.
The Mother: There's someone that I need to talk to. I'll be right back.
[She goes out onto the porch and holds onto a wooden beam, looking up at the sky:]
The Mother: Hi, Max. It's me. Sorry to interrupt. I know you're probably up there playing baseball with your dad. Um... Look, I've got a situation here. I think that I have been holding myself back from falling in love again. And I think it's because I can't let you go. But you're not here anymore... so I have to ask this. Would it be okay if I moved on? I realize that you have no way of answering that, but... [gust of wind blows] Okay. I will take that as a yes. In that case, I should get back in there. I guess this is it. For real this time. Bye, Max.
[inside:]
Louis: So?
The Mother: My answer is... ...no.

[the year 2024:]
The Mother: Thank you for bringing me here. I am so glad we made it. That snowstorm was getting really bad.
Ted: Wait. You think this is a snowstorm? This is nothing. I'll tell you about a snowstorm. It was winter break, freshman year of college. Marshall and I were roommates but we weren't friends...
The Mother: Wait. Stop. You've told me this one before.
Ted: I have? When?
The Mother: Uh, let's see, it was all the time.
Ted: Really?
The Mother: You and Marshall drove back to school, "500 Miles" played on a loop. You took a back road, ran out of gas, got stuck in a snowstorm, spooned to stay warm... At least, that's your story. And at the end of it, you were best friends.
Ted: Okay, okay, that's fine. Because guess what. That wasn't even the worst snowstorm ever. It was 2008, Barney and l...
The Mother: Took over the bar, met the Arizona Tech marching band... Go Hens. And they played "Auld Lang Syne" when Marshall picked up Lily at the airport.
Ted: Okay, have I told you about the time that Marshall...?
The Mother: Tried to put Christmas lights on Lily's grandparents' house and the little ragamuffin from next door
left him stranded on the roof.
Ted: Did Lily tell you that one?
The Mother: Yeah. Lily used the word "ragamuffin."

[2015:]
The Mother: Hey. Hi, hi. Sorry I'm late. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Ted: Yeah, sure. Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? I got a castle guy.
Barney: I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy, so...
The Mother: I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
Ted: What? What? Why?
The Mother: Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in... my dress.
Ted: Why wouldn't you f... No.
The Mother: Yeah.
Ted: No.
The Mother: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whoa.
Robin: What's going on?
Barney: She's getting a boob job.

The Mother: That's the question you're left asking yourself. So here's how he does it. First, he makes you feel like you're the most hilarious and adorable person in the world.
[at the bar:]
Darren: You guys are hilarious and adorable.
Ted: [telepathically] I like that he gets how hilarious and adorable we are.
Barney: [telepathically] We are hilarious and adorable.
[in the car:]
The Mother: Next, he finds some flimsy connection based on where you're from.
[back at the bar:]
Darren: Cleveland? Gallucci's serves...
Ted and Darren: ...the best pepperoni bread.
Darren: And Staten Island? Guys getting in fights on their front lawns.
Barney: It's like you're from there.
Ted: [telepathically] This guy's awesome.
Barney: [telepathically] So awesome.
Ted: [telepathically] I'd totally go to jail for him.
Barney: [telepathically] That hurts.

Marshall: See, you're too nice. I'm the same way. Sometimes you gotta get in there and stand up for yourself.
The Mother: I always cave and side with the other person. I can't handle confrontation.
Marshall: Yes, you can.
The Mother: You make some good points.
Marshall: Look, I don't know you, but I can tell that you're strong. That's your band. Don't let Darren steal it away.
The Mother: No, there's no defeating the devil. He's someone else's problem now.

The Mother: Thank you, Linus. There are real villains in this world, but they don't always get real justice, do they? You wanna believe karma's gonna get them.
[out on the balcony:]
Ted: All right, who wants a drink? I'm stealing.
[back:]
The Mother: But... karma doesn't always come through.
[out on the balcony:]
Darren: I love how strong your marriage is. You don't need to lose weight, no matter what he told me. Catch you on the flip-flop, muchachos. [crashes into Ted, who drops the scotch bottle] Sorry, mi amigos.
The Mother: I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life... ...you just don't get that knockout punch.
[Ted punches Darren]
Darren: Hey, can I get some ice? The best man just punched me in the face for no reason. Oh, what, that's funny to you? You know what? I quit. You can have your stupid band back. I miss being in a band where people are decent to each other and there's no drama. I'm going back to the new Guns N' Roses.
The Mother: Linus, whoever that best man is, I would like to buy him a double of your finest Scotch.

[flashback to September 2005:]
Ted: You're my best friend, Barney.
Barney: Good. As your best friend, I suggest we play a game I call Have You Met Ted?
Kelly: [on the phone] What? Oh, my God, I'm so stupid. Stay there. I'm on my way.
[Kelly runs out of MacLaren's, flags down a cab, arrives at a different MacLaren's pub and enters the crowded bar]
Kelly: I am so, so sorry. I went to the one on the West Side.
The Mother: I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me.