Ted: Now, a simple question. When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time what is the one thing Lily always does?
Marshall: Cry?
Barney: Masturbate?
Billy Zabka: Karate?
The Captain: Go sailing?
Ted: No. When Lily and Marshall are apart... for a long period of time... Lily... always... starts smoking again.
Marshall: That's true. She does.
Ted: Happened when she went to Paris in college. It happened when she moved to San Francisco and last week, it happened again. From the moment Marshall left for Minnesota, Lily's been secretly puffing down the ciggies like a 46-year-old grandma at a Reno slot machine. Problem was, come Friday morning she knew she'd have to quit again. Cold turkey. And it wouldn't be easy. She tried to make it a whole car ride without a fix, but couldn't. She pretended to be annoyed by perfectly reasonable things, like my stylish driving gloves and my appreciation of the historic Van Otterloop manse. All so she could have one last smoke on the train. But afterwards, her breath told the tale. And that's why, when she got to the hotel.. Lily... was chewing... gum. Lily never chews gum.

Barney: Great job, Ted. That's some pretty solid evidence. Gum.
Ted: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, Barney, my dear boy, I'm just getting started.
Billy Zabka: Getting started?
Ted: Lily knew that cigarette was probably her last for a while. She needed something to keep her calm,
so she headed to the bar. Any time you see me without a drink in my hand, you put a drink in my hand. Are you my guy, Linus? What followed was a long day-and-a-half for Lily. A really long day-and-a-half. It's kind of insane how much happened in just a day-and-a-half. Anyway, Marshall returned, they had a big fight, Lily stormed out. And that's when she realized, if she was gonna sneak one this weekend, this was her chance. And after that fight, boy did she need one. Only problem? She was all out. Now, it's 3 a.m. You need a cigarette. The only place is an EZ Pick five miles down the road. You have no car. What do you do? Go.
Billy Zabka: Dirt bike it.
Marshall: I can walk that far.
Barney: Masturbate.
The Captain: Take a boat.
Ted: What? A boat? Dude, she got a ride in your car, remember?

Ted: The problem was, Lily didn't want to smoke in front of her new employer. So when she arrived at the Captain's house, there was one possible course of action.
[flashback:]
Lily: Can I use your powder room?
[present:]
Ted: Now, you're Lily. You've just had a cigarette in your boss's powder room. What do you do with the cigarette butt? The window? Flush it?
Marshall: No, she wouldn't do either of those things. She's an environmentalist.
Ted: Stick it in your purse?
Billy Zabka: Marshall could find it there.
Ranjit: Throw it in the trash can?
Becky: The Captain would find it there.

Ted: Wait. Did you say "Gary Blauman"?
Marshall: Yeah, why?
Ted: I hate that guy.
Marshall: Why?
Ted: Remember a few years ago when I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt? For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.
[flashback:]
Ted: Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.
Barney: [groans] That's it. No more books, Ted. I don't like the person you become when you read books.
Robin: Here's the deal: You get to tell us one more interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt. One more, and then you're done forever. So make it a good one.
Ted: Okay. He went blind in one eye... from getting hit too hard in a boxing match... while he was president.
Barney: Wow.
Robin: That's a pretty good one.
Ted: Right? Oh, and when he was at Harvard...
Barney: Shut up!

Ted: [v.o.] Well, one night, we were throwing a party to celebrate... something. I can't remember what, when a pretty girl I had never met noticed the book on the table.
[flashback:]
Steph: I can't believe you have this book. I just finished reading it. Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.
Ted: A unicorn.
Ted: [v.o.] I couldn't believe it. It was a stroke of luck on par with the 50-page manuscript in Roosevelt's pocket... that helped slow that would-be assassin's bullet.
[present:]
Marshall: Dude, come on.

Robin: Last year, when you helped Victoria escape this church, how hard was it to climb down that drainpipe?
Ted: Extremely hard.
Robin: Okay, so that means super easy. Thanks.
Ted: Wait, wait. Stop, stop. What the hell are you doing?
Robin: I just... I can't go through with this!
Ted: No, no. Sorry. I refuse to be a part of a third runaway bride situation. It's like the dude in that documentary who kept having women show up dead at the bottom of his staircase. Sure, maybe they all tripped, but it's like, do you want to hang out with that guy?

Robin: I... I can't shake it. I-I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.
Ted: But love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and... and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do. Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's-it's just true. You love Barney, and-and he loves you. And that doesn't have to make sense to make sense.

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: This is so strange, you know, now that Ted's gone, it's just a... a different vibe. You can just f-feel his absence. Are you kidding me?!
Ted: Oh, hey.
Lily: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: Just having a drink.

Woman: Come on, go talk to her. Oh, and it'll all be because of me. And I'll sing at your wedding. [laughs] You are gonna have a big wedding, right?
Ted: What? No. Just be cool, lady. Damn. And aren't big weddings kind of a young man's game? You don't have a big wedding in your 30s. If I do ever get married, I'm keeping it simple.
[flashforward to 2015:]
Barney: A hot air balloon?
Ted: Well, yeah. I mean, when you're getting married in a 17th-century castle in France and making your entrance on a stagecoach with six white horses, you kind of got to make a big exit.
Robin: How much are you spending on this?
Ted: Oh, like, a lot of money. All of my money.

[2013:]
Ted: Excuse me.
The Mother: Hi.
Ted: Hi. I'm the...
The Mother: The best man. Yeah. Get in here, get in here, get in here.
Ted: Oh, thanks. Here, let me.
The Mother: Oh, okay. Thank you.
Ted: Great show tonight.
The Mother: Yeah. Oh, thank you.
Ted: You're Cindy's ex-roommate, right?
The Mother: Yeah. And you are the professor. I took one of your classes.
Ted: Really? Which one?
The Mother: Econ 305.
Ted: Econ 305. I don't teach... Oh, no.
The Mother: Oh, yeah.
Ted: Excuse me, I'm gonna jump onto the tracks now.
The Mother: No. No, no, no, don't. You were great, you were great.