Jill: It is so great to see a mentor and a student reunited again. I used to have an English teacher that affected me the way you did Tim. Um, Mrs. Holloway. She introduced me to Shakespeare. Gosh, I loved Macbeth I used to walk around going, "Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"
Tim: Well, enough of your laundry stories.

Mr. Leonard: I swear to you, it's the truth. I mean, your father is a genuine original. I got another one for you. Even I can't explain this one. He is gluing a table together one time. Somehow a piece of the table gets stuck to his head.
Tim: There's a mistake I didn't let happen again.
Mark: Dad, didn't you do that...?
Tim: Here, have a cookie, will you, pal?

Tim: Remember first year, we did that tool box? You could show everybody how you can still make one of those quick as a wink.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, Timmy, I don't know about quick as a wink with this arthritis.
Tim: You can do it. I'm sure you can do it. It will be great. You can show a whole generation of men how to do stuff with their hands. [grunts]
Mr. Leonard: What was that?
Tim: You never heard the grunt. I figured that out in college.
Mr. Leonard: You got into college?!

Brad: I can't keep up with everything.
Tim: Yes, you can. Look, you're already doing your studies. Look at this. Look. "The Franco-Prussian War was..." That's already more than I know, right there. Hey, but Russia's not spelled with a P, my friend. That says "Prussian."

Jill: Hey, guys, can you keep it down?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Come on, Benny.
Benny: Hiya, roomie.
Jill: I beg your pardon?
Tim: Didn't I tell you I was gonna tell her?
Benny: Tim blew up my house. Need I say more?
Tim: I didn't blow up your house. I didn't blow up his house.

Tim: But I also should learn to listen to your feelings and understand what you're going through. You helped me when I changed careers into Tool Time. And, you know, I want to do the same for you, 'cause, with your talent, you might have your own show. Your own psychology show, can you imagine? "Is everyone cognizant of what time it's become?" "It's Psycho Time."

Tim: Well, I wrote you a little poem. [Jill snickers] Maybe... maybe you'd like to listen to it before you start laughing at me.
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Tim: "I was going to buy you jewelry, and maybe some flowers. Instead, I stayed up till the wee morning hours, thinking about how lucky I am. Boy, I'm hungry. I feel like ham. My selfishness I will try to conquer. I'm sorry I bopped you on your honker. I'll love you forever, even when you're old. If you don't like this poem, I've got the florist on hold."

Harry: Hey, Tim, you have to keep the tickets.
Tim: You know, I don't think I can. No, no, you know, I don't know if this is gonna be worth it. Every time I go to a Pistons game, I'll get the look.
Marty: Yeah. And what about the look you're going to get when you get home? [Tim shudders] That's two looks per game.
Tim: Times 40 games, that's 80 looks. And that doesn't count the looks I get for just doing normal bad things.

Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.
Tim: Local, like here in Detroit?
Dr. Kaplan: No. Local like here in your scrotum.
Tim: Oh, boy.
Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds.
Tim: You think?

Tim: Put away the fish, get out your bowling shoes. We're going bowling and dinner with Bud and his wife tonight.
Jill: Tonight? I can't go tonight. I have that lecture for my Abnormal Psych class.
Tim: You don't have to go to that. You know what they're going to say. "There's a lot of crazy people out there and there's nothing we can do about it."
Jill: You're living proof of that.