Tim: We got to take off that access panel. All right. Whoa, look at all the wires in there.
Mark: Do you know what all those wires do?
Tim: Yeah, of course. I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't. Ground, we're looking for ground. Now, red is all... Red... Yellow, see... The sun is yellow, it heats the ground, that's how they name stuff. [sparks fly as Tim cuts a wire] Was that car running? [goes into the garage and screams; returns] Whoo! Shake it off. [Tim and Mark dance around] Ah.
Mark: Are you all right, Dad?
Tim: Yeah. I- I did that to teach you an important lesson.
Mark: What's that, Dad?
Tim: Well, when you work with electricity it's a good idea to shut it all off. Now follow me upstairs. I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.

Tim: How long has the oil light been on, Jill?
Jill: Oil light...
Tim: The oil light. Next to the speedometer. A little red light with an oil can on it.
Jill: Oh, that thing. I don't know, two or three days.
Tim: Two or three days? It's a warning light. Didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?
Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, that the light would get brighter or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer?! It's a car, not a game show.

Jill: Tim, the car is running fine.
Tim: It used to be running fine. Inside of a car is an internal combustion engine. Composed of many precision parts running at a high RPM. High RPM produces friction. Friction produces heat. Heat is dissipated by lubrication - oil. When the car didn't get the oil that it needs, it tends to seize up into a rock.
Jill: Are you saying the car's not running?
Tim: We now own a 4,000 pound, four-door boulder.
Jill: You mean I can't drive it?
Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone.

Mark: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
Tim: I don't think I... I don't think I'm ever gonna go to the bathroom again. Oh!
Mark: What happened?
Tim: I pulled my groin.
Mark: What's that?
Tim: My very favorite muscle.

Tim: Al has just cleaned this window with Binford's standard-size squeegee, perfect for daily jobs. For the big job, you might want to turn to Binford's mega squeegee. This can clean the windshield of a big rig in one stroke.
Al: And a storefront in under a minute.
Tim: And Al's mother's back in less than an hour. Now remember, if it doesn't say "Binford" on it, somebody else probably makes it.

Tim: I'm gonna run you down to the emergency room, get an x-ray for you, write a note to Mom.
Randy: Dad, I don't need to go to the emergency room.
Tim: [chuckles] That's what I usually tell Al.
Randy: Well, how does he get you to go?
Tim: I don't know. I'm usually passed out by then.

Jill: What did he decide?
Tim: What did he decide? He, um... Uh... He figured that since it burned down, it wasn't a good time to buy it.
Jill: Did you burn down Marv's shanty?
Tim: What is it with you? I walk through the door, you immediately accuse me of burning it down. Why? Why? Why?
Jill: Tim...
Tim: Right to the ground. Right... Ashes.
Jill: Oh, no.
Tim: I'm sure he's got an insurance policy that covers a shanty clause in there.
Jill: Tim, there is no such thing as Shanty Clause.

Tim: Why don't you go to a trade school?
Jill: Trade school?
Tim: Six months, you can be a turret lathe operator.
Jill: I don't want to be a turret lathe operator. I don't even know what that is.
Tim: That's why you go to the school. How about a certified arc welder?
Jill: Are you insane?
Tim: Diesel bus repair.
Jill: Tim, I was really excited about this idea. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you about it, and all you can do is throw out idiotic suggestions. Why don't you just tell me to go to clown college?
Tim: They'd never take you. You're not funny enough and your feet are too small.

Jill: OK, let me get this straight. First, you give me a hard time because I get a little teeny scratch on the door, then you let somebody drop a building on it. Not only do you not tell me about any of this, but you tell other people that it was my fault.
Tim: It could've been your fault.
Jill: What?
Tim: Maybe that scratch weakened the entire structure of this car.
Jill: That is such a crock.

Tim: What we have here, honey, is a simple case of sibling rivalry.
Jill: Exactly.
Tim: Which just proves, Ms. Straight-A Student, that I might know just about as much about psychology as you do.
Jill: Oh, really? What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim: Having more than one kid.