Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.

Randy: Hey, Mom. Are you and Dad gonna be here tomorrow, say, around 2:00?
Jill: Well, let's see, Dad's gonna be at the office, and I was thinking about going shopping. They're having a sale at a boutique I love.
Randy: Great. Fantastic. Best thing you can do.
Jill: Although... I don't know. I may just stay home. I mean, sales are really a big pain in the butt. All these women elbowing each other out of the way just to save 40 cents on a bra.
Randy: Well, you know, you should go shopping. You could use a new bra.
Jill: Really? How would you know that?
Randy: Dad told me. He also told me that the last time you bought a bra, it didn't look too good. So you should take your time and try 'em all on.
Jill: You know, I really don't think your father should be talking about stuff like that with you.
Randy: Well, you know, he seemed pretty disturbed by it. But I guarantee you, if you find the right bra, the problem will be solved. Good luck, Mom.

Wilson: "Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."
Jill: Well, I guess I'm the one that's no longer a Capulet. Apparently, I've been replaced.
Randy: No, you haven't. I was just out here rehearsing with Wilson so I'd be good enough to rehearse with you.
Wilson: Jill, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was usurping your role.
Jill: Oh, come on. You've had your eye on this part all week.
Wilson: Now, that is not true! Young Randy came out here and beseeched me to step into the role.
Jill: You beseeched him?
Randy: I didn't beseech anybody! I don't even know what "beseech" means.

Randy: I don't know. One of those kids has been the lead in all the school plays.
Jill: But I'll bet that he doesn't come from a theatrical family.
Randy: I hate to break this to you, Mom, but Tool Time isn't exactly great theater. Even though it does usually end in tragedy.

Tim: You notice I'm not laughing.
Jill: Yeah, we'll be good. Come on, come on. Right. Randy, set the table.
Randy: Okay. Dad, bend over.

Randy: Well, are we gonna do something special for her birthday on Saturday?
Tim: Yeah, Saturday, yeah! Oh... We'll have a big party. We'll cater some food, her favorite restaurant, balloons, everything.
Randy: Won't she be disappointed?
Tim: Why?
Randy: Her birthday is Friday.

Randy: Guess I'd better get my books.
Jill: Not so fast. Why doesn't Brad wanna go to school?
Randy: Uh... 'Cause he and Jennifer broke up.
Jill: They did? Why? What happened?
Randy: I don't know.
Jill: Well, she must have dumped him, or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Randy: Yeah, that's it. You know how sensitive Brad is.
Jill: His little heart is broken.
Randy: And his little tongue is burned.

Randy: Are you gonna call before you come home?
Jill: Why are you asking me that?
Randy: No reason.
Jill: Yeah, right. I think that you should know that I could be home at any moment. Now, Wilson is gonna be next door the whole time if you need anything. And here are the emergency numbers right here.
Randy: We know. We know. We call them all the time for Dad.

Tim: I thought you guys weren't supposed to watch that Goosebump Theater. Doesn't it give you nightmares?
Randy: Well, Tool Time gives us nightmares, and you make us watch that.
Tim: Hey, he's going after those guys with a Binford 5100 chain saw. That's a chain saw and a half. Good choice, ghoul.

Randy: Hey, come on, we better get upstairs. This thing could blow at any minute.
Jeremy: Wait a minute. How can you blow up an intercom?
Randy: You don't know my dad. He blew up a dishwasher, a blender and seven toasters.
Tim: Two blenders, five toasters.
Randy: He's had so many accidents, the hospital gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Two more head injuries, we get a free trip to Hawaii!