Jill: Look, Randy jokes about you, you joke about Randy. That's just your relationship.
Tim: This is behind my back.
Jill: What were you doing, eavesdropping on him?
Tim: No. The intercom in his room was on. I just heard him talking.
Jill: You mean it was actually working?
Tim: For a second or so, yeah.
Tim: He was talking about how I screw up all the time at work.
Jill: Well... Honey, it's not exactly a state secret.

Jill: Tim, when you talk, I listen.
Tim: Really?
Jill: Yeah!
Tim: Uh-huh. What kind of carburetors are on the hot rod?
Jill: Holley double pumpers.
Tim: Holley... What?
Jill: Holley double pumpers.
Tim: Well, I've told you about the engine. What kind of engine do I have in the hot rod, huh? Huh?
Jill: 350 small block, bored 30 over with a 400 crank.
Tim: Tires?
Jill: 185/60 R-14s.
Tim: Aha! They're 195s! And you say you listen to me. [looks at the car] Is it written on here somewhere?

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Jill: Hidey-ho, Wilson.
Wilson: Jill! What a pleasant surprise.
Jill: You're out late.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Just doing a little stargazing. You know, they say if you had a strong enough telescope, you could look back in time to very early man before his brain was fully developed.
Jill: Come over to our house. You can see the same thing without a telescope.
Wilson: Trouble in the Taylor galaxy?
Jill: Yeah. It's the Big Dip.

Jill: I can't believe you let them do this.
Tim: Before the steam starts coming out of your nose, let me explain.
Jill: You don't have to explain what happened. I know what happened. You all went to the store, you saw the car, you started drooling, the drooling led to grunting, the grunting led to buying.
Tim: You are so far off, it's not even funny. We grunted, drooled, bought.

Tim: What you got in this thing?
Jill: Clothes.
Tim: We're only going to DC for two days.
Jill: And two nights. That's four outfits. And they said it might snow.
Tim: So what did you do, pack a snow shovel and a plow?
Jill: No. A parka and boots. I'm not gonna walk in the slush in my high heels.
Tim: What you got in there?
Jill: My essentials. The makeup, the night cream, the day cream, the concealer, the cotton balls, magnifying mirror...
Tim: Why don't you just airmail the whole bathroom... Oh!
Jill: I wish I could.

Jill: OK, Al, I've got a few instructions for you here. Now, Mark has a birthday party to go to tomorrow at the ice rink. This is the address. He's a little bit nervous 'cause he hasn't skated in about a year. Brad has a girlfriend, Ashley, coming over to study. Make sure that he studies his books and not her. Now, Randy still has a little bronchitis. Do not let him go outside. And make sure he takes all this medicine. He gets one teaspoon of cough syrup twice a day, one teaspoon of antibiotic three times a day. This has to live in the refrigerator. Now, if his cough turns into a wheeze, you know, it's kind of like a little whistly sound, discontinue the cough syrup and give him two puffs of this inhaler four times a day. Unless it's like a big whistle, and then you should call the doctor, and then me. Now, I gave you all... the doctor's number, pharmacy number, hotel number and our flight numbers right here. Oh, Tim, do you have any instructions for Al?
Tim: Don't let anybody touch my tools.

Brad: But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time. It's gonna be great skiing conditions. A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Jill: Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas. Even that year when your father fell down the chimney, we were together. We were in the emergency room, but we were together.

Jill: Brad, where's your saxophone? You have a lesson in 20 minutes.
Brad: Mom, why do I have to keep taking these stupid lessons?
Jill: Brad, sit down.
Brad: Is this gonna be another one of those "When I was a little girl" stories?
Jill: No. Will you just listen? [long pause] When I was a little person about your age... I had to take flute lessons for five years, and it wasn't always fun, but I was really glad that I stuck to it.
Brad: Why? It's not like you ever play the flute now.
Jill: Well, that's true, but I take great joy in knowing that I could if I wanted to. Besides, if you get really good at it, we could have mother/son jam sessions.
Brad: There's a dream come true.

Tim: Shouldn't your dad be here?
Jill: Well, you know the colonel. If he says he'll be here at 1700 hours, he means 1700 hours sharp.
Tim: 1700 hours. What time is that again?
Jill: 5:00. I've been trying to teach you military time for 15 years. Now, listen to this. You subtract 12 if it's a double-digit number greater than 12. If it's a single-digit number, it's the actual time. If it's a double-digit number that's less than or equal to 12, then that's also the actual time. Have you got that?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Hmm.
Tim: I wish your mom was coming. At least she speaks civilian.
Jill: Me too. She said she needed a break from Dad. She wants to have one week where she doesn't have to get up before dawn and raise the flag.

Jill: Because I wasn't totally honest with you before. Daddy, this is really hard for me to say, but... the book is... is just really not very good.
Col. Patterson: Then why'd you say you loved it?
Jill: Because that's what you wanted to hear.
Col. Patterson: Don't tell me what I wanted to hear. I want to hear the truth!
Jill: Well, I'm telling it to you now.
Col. Patterson: Fine! You didn't like the book. I'm gonna get the boys. We'll be back at 1300 hours.
Tim: What time is that?
Col. Patterson: It's 1:00! Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day!
Jill: Daddy, I'm really sorry that I upset you, but...
Col. Patterson: I'm not upset! If I were upset I'd be yelling!