Brad: Hey, guys, get down here. Let's see what Grandma and Grandpa got us for Christmas.
Mark: Hear anything good?
Brad: [shakes box] No, I don't hear anything.
Brad & Randy: Clothes.

Jill: This is your cape. Just put this around you.
Randy: Mom, this is gold. I'm just an innkeeper.
Jill: Hey, you are a very successful innkeeper. Now, this is just great. That's gonna really look good with the hat that I got you. [laughs] Perfect.
Tim: Hi, Jill. Hello, Ali Baba.
Randy: Dad.
Jill: He's an innkeeper.
Tim: Well, what inn are Mary and Joseph staying at this year? Caesar's Palace?

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Thinks He's Getting A Christmas Bonus" Borland. Well, as you all can see, it's yule time on Tool Time. Before we get into our project today, we have a special feature for you.
Al: That's right, Tim. Binford stocking stuffers. There's nothing that says "Peace on Earth" better than a Binford power tool.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Doesn't Al just jingle your bell sometimes? Heidi, the stocking stuffers, please. ["Deck the Halls" instrumental plays]
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Now, stocking stuffers usually... [music continues] generally have... Ooh, boy. Klaus! Whoo-hoo! Thank you. Stocking stuffers sometimes are difficult to pick out for men. But Binford has made it easy this year with stuff like this. The new Binford mini propane torch. Huh? Stand back. Stand back. It's small, but portable enough you can fit it in a pocket. Whoa! Wouldn't put it in there, though. You can remove facial hair with it. You can do a little soldering on the house, melt glass tubing, or if your wife's out, melt her earrings down and make handy fishing lures out of them.
Al: Also, we have the Binford 6100 digital torque wrench.
Tim: It'll be the torque of the town this Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.
Al: That's right. They'll also be torquing about... [chuckles] the new Binford fiberoptic flexible flashlight.
Tim: Now, as odd as it seems, this is actually a great gift for guys. This thing can find auto parts strewn around the garage, look in dirty pipes or any dark, dusty area you have. [Al shines it in Tim's ear]
Al: In one ear, out the other.
Tim: Just like your job, Al. In one day, out the other. Now, finally, for the man without a vice, a vise. The Binford Bench Buddy 2000. It's got a swiveling base, serrated steel jaws and a clamping capacity of seven and one-half inches. [grunts "Jingle Bells"]
Al: Well, actually, Tim, the... The bench vise is too big to be a stocking stuffer.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, are you ever right. If you want to stuff that into a stocking, you need a special stocking, like this one. Like one of Al's mom's thermal hunting socks. Don't let her in here. [lights dim; loud thudding] It's your mom, Al.

Wilson: Hi-ho-ho-ho, good neighbors.
Jill: Merry Christmas, Wilson.
Wilson: Jill, I wanna thank you for that very lovely Smokey Farms gift box.
Jill: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that those little cheese logs were actual size.
Wilson: Well, don't be sorry. They went perfectly with the little bottle of rum I got from the airlines. And this is for you, good neighbors. Fresh from the oven.
Jill: Oh, thank you. What is it?
Wilson: That is a plum cake. On Christmas Eve, the people of Hertfordshire, England, take the cake, stick it on a cow's horn, then they throw cider in her face.
Tim: The malls close early over there.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. If the cow flips the cake forward, it means it's going to be a very good harvest.

Jill: Oh, honey, I hope you didn't get back into this whole competition thing with Doc Johnson again this year.
Tim: Please. I'm past it, OK? I've nothing to prove. This year, I'm going for, like, a low-key approach. All right. When I flick the switch, it's gonna be kinda bright, so you're gonna need these sunglasses.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: Don't look directly at the snowman. [electrical buzzing]
Mark: [reaching out] Mom? Dad? Where'd you go?
Jill: We're still here.

Mark: How does Santa get gifts for everyone in the world in one bag?
Tim: Jill?
Jill: Well, honey, he folds them.
Mark: Folds them?
Tim: Yeah, he folds them, then he has Mrs. Claus sit on the bag so he can tie it shut.
Mark: That doesn't sound right. How do you fold goldfish? How do you fold a pony?
Tim: Well, there's a quarter horse...

Tim: Thank you, Heidi and everyone. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "Be Quarantined for Christmas" Borland. Today, Al and I start out our week-long salute... to electricity.
Al: That's right, and that's why we're wearing the flash suits worn by professional electricians. You can take up to 20,000 volts and not get electrocuted.
Tim: Yeah. But, Al... But they look so darn cool, don't they? It's like the 90s way of saying, "Hey, I'm not gonna get fried!"
Al: Notice Tim's flame-resistant parka and color-coordinated insulated gloves. It boasts a safety helmet with UV face-shield and it's tastefully accessorized by this matching tote bag. You know, you might want to wear these when you put up your Christmas lights this weekend. [snorts]
Tim: Actually, I'm way ahead of you. With this outfit I can safely replace my measly seven-watt bulbs with these 500-watt bad boys right here, huh?
Al: You could light up an airport runway with that much wattage on your roof.
Tim: Well, maybe it's time for old St. Nick to trade in that old sleigh for the new Boeing 777 fly-by-wire.

Tim: Jill, what would you say if I told you that Doc Johnson has dancing elves up on his roof?
Jill: I'd say he'd better get those elf traps out right away.
Tim: I'm talking about the neighborhood decorating contest. I hate to say it, but I think I might lose.
Jill: You've lost nine years in a row. I'd think you'd be used to it by now.
Tim: This year, I had a really good feeling about winning. It's the oddest thing. Every decoration I put up, Doc Johnson's put up before me.
Jill: Ah, it's just a coincidence.
Tim: Coincidence? I went to put a plastic Santa up there today... and guess what old Doc Johnson's got up on his roof.
Jill: Chimney?
Tim: A plastic Santa.
Jill: Gosh, I wonder what made him think of using a Santa Claus as a decoration at Christmas.
Tim: [groans] I'll tell you what else he's got up there. My seven swans a-swimming and my six geese a-laying.
Jill: [sings] And a tool man in a nut tree.

Brad: Randy, he's making a list for Santa Claus.
Randy: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus. Kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Randy: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
Mark: You're lying. Who drinks the milk and eats the chocolate-chip cookies that I leave out for him?
Brad: Oh, Dad. He loves chocolate-chip cookies.
Mark: You guys are poopheads.

Jill: Hey, don't take it out on me just 'cause the neighborhood put the kibosh on your lighting display.
Tim: You say "ki-bosh," I say "pish-tosh". I got Wilson to be my partner.
Jill: Oh, is he going to help you do the roof?
Tim: No, no. He's gonna give me two 20-amp circuits. He's not decorating his roof, so I get his allotment of electricity. Means I get more wattage. It means I can make elves the size of Shaquille O'Neal.
Jill: I can't believe Wilson would go along with this after reading that flyer.
Tim: [throws crumpled leaflet in the trash] I'm not sure he read it.