Tim Quote #1002
Quote from Tim in 'Twas the Blight Before Christmas
Tim: Jill, what would you say if I told you that Doc Johnson has dancing elves up on his roof?
Jill: I'd say he'd better get those elf traps out right away.
Tim: I'm talking about the neighborhood decorating contest. I hate to say it, but I think I might lose.
Jill: You've lost nine years in a row. I'd think you'd be used to it by now.
Tim: This year, I had a really good feeling about winning. It's the oddest thing. Every decoration I put up, Doc Johnson's put up before me.
Jill: Ah, it's just a coincidence.
Tim: Coincidence? I went to put a plastic Santa up there today... and guess what old Doc Johnson's got up on his roof.
Jill: Chimney?
Tim: A plastic Santa.
Jill: Gosh, I wonder what made him think of using a Santa Claus as a decoration at Christmas.
Tim: [groans] I'll tell you what else he's got up there. My seven swans a-swimming and my six geese a-laying.
Jill: [sings] And a tool man in a nut tree.
Features in the collection: Christmas Quotes.
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Christmas Quotes’
Quote from Mark in Yule Better Watch Out
Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.
Quote from Randy in Yule Better Watch Out
Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.
‘'Twas the Blight Before Christmas’ Quotes
Quote from Tim
Brad: Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal.
Tim: Well, it is to your mom and to me and to me. I can't believe you'd be this selfish. Listen to me. Um... In a couple years, you'll be 18. You'll be off to college... or a good trade school. And we won't see you.
Brad: But, Dad, I'll come home.
Tim: Yeah, you'll come home a couple Christmases, but then you'll get married, and I'll never see you. I mean, look at your Mom and me. Your mom's family lives in Texas, mine's in Colorado. We never see our families for holidays. You just don't know how many Christmases we have together, right? I won't be around forever.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: Face the facts. You've seen the stunts I pull on Tool Time. I can't keep dodging the bullet.
Quote from Jill
Brad: But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time. It's gonna be great skiing conditions. A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Jill: Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas. Even that year when your father fell down the chimney, we were together. We were in the emergency room, but we were together.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Gee! I don't know, Tim. There's an awful lot of lights here. We'll have to take out a mortgage to pay the electric bill.
Brad: All right, Dad. Let her rip.
Jill: No, wait a minute. I think we should say a prayer first. Please, Lord, don't let our house blow up. Amen.
Tim: Amen.