Tim Quote #1001
Quote from Tim in 'Twas the Blight Before Christmas
Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Thinks He's Getting A Christmas Bonus" Borland. Well, as you all can see, it's yule time on Tool Time. Before we get into our project today, we have a special feature for you.
Al: That's right, Tim. Binford stocking stuffers. There's nothing that says "Peace on Earth" better than a Binford power tool.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Doesn't Al just jingle your bell sometimes? Heidi, the stocking stuffers, please. ["Deck the Halls" instrumental plays]
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Now, stocking stuffers usually... [music continues] generally have... Ooh, boy. Klaus! Whoo-hoo! Thank you. Stocking stuffers sometimes are difficult to pick out for men. But Binford has made it easy this year with stuff like this. The new Binford mini propane torch. Huh? Stand back. Stand back. It's small, but portable enough you can fit it in a pocket. Whoa! Wouldn't put it in there, though. You can remove facial hair with it. You can do a little soldering on the house, melt glass tubing, or if your wife's out, melt her earrings down and make handy fishing lures out of them.
Al: Also, we have the Binford 6100 digital torque wrench.
Tim: It'll be the torque of the town this Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.
Al: That's right. They'll also be torquing about... [chuckles] the new Binford fiberoptic flexible flashlight.
Tim: Now, as odd as it seems, this is actually a great gift for guys. This thing can find auto parts strewn around the garage, look in dirty pipes or any dark, dusty area you have. [Al shines it in Tim's ear]
Al: In one ear, out the other.
Tim: Just like your job, Al. In one day, out the other. Now, finally, for the man without a vice, a vise. The Binford Bench Buddy 2000. It's got a swiveling base, serrated steel jaws and a clamping capacity of seven and one-half inches. [grunts "Jingle Bells"]
Al: Well, actually, Tim, the... The bench vise is too big to be a stocking stuffer.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, are you ever right. If you want to stuff that into a stocking, you need a special stocking, like this one. Like one of Al's mom's thermal hunting socks. Don't let her in here. [lights dim; loud thudding] It's your mom, Al.
Features in the collection: Christmas Quotes.
Home Improvement Quotes
‘Christmas Quotes’
Quote from Mark in Yule Better Watch Out
Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.
Quote from Randy in Yule Better Watch Out
Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.
‘'Twas the Blight Before Christmas’ Quotes
Quote from Tim
Brad: Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal.
Tim: Well, it is to your mom and to me and to me. I can't believe you'd be this selfish. Listen to me. Um... In a couple years, you'll be 18. You'll be off to college... or a good trade school. And we won't see you.
Brad: But, Dad, I'll come home.
Tim: Yeah, you'll come home a couple Christmases, but then you'll get married, and I'll never see you. I mean, look at your Mom and me. Your mom's family lives in Texas, mine's in Colorado. We never see our families for holidays. You just don't know how many Christmases we have together, right? I won't be around forever.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: Face the facts. You've seen the stunts I pull on Tool Time. I can't keep dodging the bullet.
Quote from Jill
Brad: But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time. It's gonna be great skiing conditions. A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Jill: Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas. Even that year when your father fell down the chimney, we were together. We were in the emergency room, but we were together.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Gee! I don't know, Tim. There's an awful lot of lights here. We'll have to take out a mortgage to pay the electric bill.
Brad: All right, Dad. Let her rip.
Jill: No, wait a minute. I think we should say a prayer first. Please, Lord, don't let our house blow up. Amen.
Tim: Amen.