Brad: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you, Wilson?
Wilson: Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad. You put me in such a quandary. On the one hand, is it a neighbor's place to get his friend's son in trouble? On the other hand, I'm reminded of the Roman Quintus Horatius Flaccus, who said: "For it is your business if your neighbor's wall catches fire."
Brad: Yeah, but what about the words of a great American, Mister Rogers? He said: "Won't you be my neighbor?"
Wilson: Hm. Hm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, hm-hm.

Tim: What's in the bag?
Brad: Something that's going to cut time off my doctor's appointment.
Tim: What?
Brad: You know how the doctor makes you go pee in the cup?
Tim: That's my favorite part. Except the cup is too small. I'll go with a salad bowl for me, huh? Whew.
Brad: Yeah, well, my problem is, I can't go under pressure.
Tim: So you went in that bag?
Brad: Of course not. I put it in a yogurt container.
Randy: I think he just found a flavor that'll never catch on.

Jill: We're back.
Tim: What kept you guys?
Randy: Oh, the doctor found boysenberry yogurt in Brad's urine.
Brad: So I had to give him another sample without any fruit in it.

Brad: Coffee, anyone?
Mark: We don't drink coffee. We're kids.
Randy: And the word on the street is, so are you.
Brad: [adds heaps of sugar] Hey, as of today, I'm a working man. And a working man needs his morning coffee. [drinks]
Randy: A little more sugar, and the working man can fly to work.
Brad: Pass me the business section.
Tim: Well, there's the working stiff. You guys having a good day? Thanks for the coffee, buddy. [drinks] I'm not sure you put enough coffee in the sugar, did you?

Jill: Tell me something. Do you do anything for Angela?
Brad: I don't know. We don't keep score.
Jill: In other words, nothing? Look, honey, this sets a really bad precedent. It puts the female in a subservient position.
Brad: Mom, is this gonna be another one of your feminist lectures?
Jill: Brad, women have worked really hard to achieve equality.
Brad: I know. And the right to make their own choices.
Jill: Right. Exactly!
Brad: Yeah, well, Angela's choice is to do my laundry. And it's anti-feminist of you to judge her for that. You're destroying everything women have worked so hard to achieve.

Tim: First off, Lisa's coming back. And second of all...
Brad: Lisa? Your old tool girl?
Tim: That's not all. We're gonna have...
Brad: Wait. Will Heidi still be there?
Tim: Yeah, but that's not the best part.
Brad: Two tool girls?
Tim: Yes, Brad!

Brad: Who's Agatha?
Jill: She's that witch that Wilson was dating.
Brad: Mom, it's okay. I'm old enough. You can say the "B" word.

Brad: Well, the one good thing about Tool Time being over is no more accidents.
Tim: We still have a house. You know what they say. Every year, over 100,000 accidents occur in the home.
Brad: And 99,000 of those occur in our home.

Brad: So, you're pretty much treating me the way your parents treated you then.
Tim: You know, it just happens. Eventually you turn into your parents. I don't know what the deal is. And one day, you're gonna turn into me.
Brad: Oh, boy. I'm gonna need a lot of medical insurance.

Brad: Dad, you gotta face it. It's a fact of life, you know? People grow up.
Tim: How do you explain me?
Brad: I gave up a long time ago.