Mark: Wilson, did you hear what we were saying?
Wilson: Just the part about not seeing the board and needing glasses.
Mark: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you?
Wilson: Mark, that isn't my place. But I hope that you will.
Mark: I can't. They'll make me get glasses, and I'll look like a dork.
Wilson: Mark, might I remind you that Benjamin Franklin, Sigmund Freud, Mahatma Gandhi all wore glasses? And I don't think that anyone would consider them dorks.
Brad: I would.

Al: I'm not leaving here until we get ten good ideas. Hey, you know, maybe what we need is a young, fresh perspective. Brad, what would you like to see on Tool Time?
Brad: A salute to Heidi.

Brad: You know what your problem is? You're jealous of me.
Randy: Oh, please, what would I possibly have to be jealous about?
Brad: That people like my article better than yours, or maybe people just like me better.
Jill: Brad.
Tim: Jill.
Brad: No, no, no. I'm more popular, I'm more athletic, and it looks like now I'm a better writer.
Randy: You are such a deluded egomaniac.
Brad: No, no, you're the one that's deluded. I mean, you think people want to read your boring, intellectual crap?
Jill: Knock it off!
Tim: Guys, guys, guys, stop! What is the problem here?
Randy: Oh, no. The problem is, Dad, is your oldest son is so stupid he should be writing an article called, Hey Duh.
Brad: Hey, I'm taller than you too!

Brad: Here you go, Mark. Until Dad puts in the bunk bed, I'm lending you my good sleeping bag.
Mark: In other words, you get the bed.
Brad: Yeah, of course. The older brother always gets the bed.
Mark: That's not fair.
Brad: Okay. Stronger brother, better looking brother. Hey, I've got a million of them.
Mark: Yeah? Well, I'm smarter.
Brad: Then how come you're sleeping on the floor?

Brad: Yeah, I know. But, Wilson, I mean, soccer's always been part of my life. You know, it's, like, who I am. If you go to my school, you can ask anybody. I'm Brad the soccer dude.
Wilson: But you can also be Brad the nuclear-physicist dude. Or Brad the animal-husbandry dude.
Brad: Yeah. But I don't know anything about physics. And I really don't want to know what it's like to be an animal's husband.

Jill: You just don't get it, do you? That money was supposed to go to the Oak Lane Children's Center. You stole money out of the hands of kids who have next to nothing for Christmas.
Brad: We weren't gonna take all of it, just some of it.
Jill: Some of it or all of it, it was still stealing.
Brad: We'll do extra chores to work off the money.
Tim: You're darn right you'll do extra chores to work off the money. Then you can go back to the stores, take this stuff back and get the money for it.
Jill: And then you're gonna go back to the shelter, you're gonna take in the money, and you're gonna tell them that you stole it.
Brad: But, Mom, they're gonna think we're thieves.
Randy: Good, Brad.

Jill: What did you decide on? College fund, savings account, another bond?
Mark: Baseball cards.
Jill: Baseball cards?
Randy: Well, look at this card. Honus Wagner. It originally sold for a penny. Now it's worth $450,000.
Brad: So we figured if we put our money together and we buy a card for $150, someday it could be worth six billion.
Jill: Brad, I'm not sure that every card gives you a 40 million percent return.

Jill: Have you seen my abnormal psychology book? I need it for my test. I can't find it anywhere.
Brad: Huh. Don't try telling the teacher that. Believe me, it never works.

Brad: [to the mirror] We'll be using a number nine medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw. Oh, man. I'm gonna be awesome.
Heidi: Hi, Brad.
Brad: Oh, uh, hi, Hodi. Um... Ho, Heidi. I mean, hi, Heidi.
Heidi: You a little nervous about being on Tool Time?
Brad: Um... Tool Time? Oh! Oh, yeah. That's it.
Heidi: There's a little trick I use to calm myself down before a show. I just picture everybody in their underwear.
Brad: I don't think that's gonna work.

Brad: I'm way behind. I've got this paper on the Franco-Prussian War due tomorrow.
Randy: Well, what do you have so far? "The Franco-Prussian war was..." That's it?
Brad: Yeah, and I copied that out of the encyclopedia.
Randy: Well, you know, if you make the margins wider, it might make it seem longer.