Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Frasier: Gee, so what do you think of the place? Is it everything you imagined it would be?
Roz: Well, to be frank, Frasier, I don't spend my idle hours imagining how you live. But I did expect lots of beige. And look, I was right.

Martin: What are you doing to do now?
Frasier: Well, they forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
Martin: 555-3000.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. Hello. Oh, yes, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin: Have them put you through to the Fine Arts Forgery Department.
Frasier: Hello, yes, the Fine Arts Forgery Department, please. Dad! They're laughing at me.
Martin: Give me the phone. Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris! Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Yeah, bye.
Frasier: What was that?
Martin: Frasier, the boys downtown have got their hands full with murders and robberies. They don't have time for this artsy-fartsy stuff.

Martin: Forget it, Frasier. Five years of litigation and you'll end up paying eight times what you paid for the painting.
Niles: He's right about that.
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers!
Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.