Niles Quote #900
Niles: [answering his phone] Niles Crane. Maris! Where are you? Still at the beauty parlor? What? No, calm down. Calm down. Stop crying. It can't be as bad as all that. Exactly how much hair do you have left? Oh. Well, don't panic, we just have to find another character for you to be tonight. Uh, there's an Ionesco play called "The Bald Soprano!" [chuckles] No I'm joking, Maris. What? You've got to come. Maris, for God's sake, you have thirty-seven wigs, just go down to the wig vault and pick one. Maris, this evening means a great deal to me. I need you here with me. Do you care about my feelings at all? [call disconnects] Well, that answers that.
Features in the collection: The Maris Crane Files.
Frasier Quotes
‘The Maris Crane Files’
Quote from Frasier in The Good Son
Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.
Quote from Niles in The Seal Who Came to Dinner
Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.
‘Halloween’ Quotes
Quote from Daphne
Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention. I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea.
Daphne: Oh, it's not so bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
Frasier: Really? I had no- Really?
Quote from Bulldog
Bulldog: Hey, tell your brother I'm coming to his charity thing tonight. I just found the perfect costume.
Frasier: And as what literary character will you be attending?
Bulldog: Waldo! [Frasier looks at him blankly] From "Where's Waldo?" He's in, like, sixteen books! You call yourself well-read.
Quote from Frasier
Niles: Your boorish behavior is simply appalling. I can no longer hold my tongue.
Frasier: Replace "tongue" with "liquor," and I'll believe you. You're drunk, Niles.
Niles: Drunk like a fox! I know about the baby.
Frasier: You do?
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: Who told you?
Niles: I heard it from Daphne's own lips.
Frasier: Daphne. That blabbermouth. I'll wring her neck.
Niles: Listen to yourself. Have you no conscience?
Frasier: Niles, you're getting awfully exercised about this.
Niles: We're talking about a single woman with a baby. What do you intend to do about it?
Frasier: Well, I suppose I could give her a raise.
Niles: That's your idea of responsibility? Give her a raise?
Frasier: Well, what do you want me to do, marry her? Let's look at something here, buddy, she's the one that got pregnant! [noticing Roz next to them] Hello, Roz.
Roz: Beat it, Niles!