Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Frasier: Just read it. Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?
Daphne: Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.
Frasier: Nancy Kearns.
Daphne: Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.
Frasier: Ah, a cure for cancer. Won't they be green with envy when I trump them all with this little story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning!

Niles: Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier: I was fine before you screamed. What the hell's wrong with you?
Niles: Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.
Frasier: I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric. If I was going to end my life I'd choose something quicker than broiling.

Daphne: Am I glad you're home.
Martin: What's wrong?
Daphne: It's Dr. Crane. Ever since he came back from his job interview he's seemed awfully depressed. In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him.
Niles: Oh, I guess it didn't go well.
Daphne: I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Niles: And you left him alone?! [running] Frasier!
Daphne: He's in the kitchen.
[finding Frasier with his head in the oven:]
Niles: Oh, my God!