Martin: Well, I don't care what you think. It's not for you, it's for Frederick.
Frasier: God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six. By the time I was seven I started to have questions. When I was eight I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins.

Frasier: May I have a latte to go, please? And I hope they aren’t paying you extra to wear that.
James: No, but I was hoping it would help with my tips.
Frasier: Ah, well, as you know, my tipping policy stands firmly on the twin pillars of courtesy and efficiency, but today, I shall include whimsy. Merry Christmas.
James: God bless you, sir.
Frasier: Well.

Frasier: Well, as we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit. Although, Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you, and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen. Roz, who's next?
Roz: We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about the time he was filled with the Christmas spirit.
Frasier: It's about time. Hello, Don.
Don: "Hello, Dr. Crane. Something happened to me yesterday that kind of sums up why we call this the season of giving."
Frasier: Well then, swaddle me in Christmas cheer.
Don: "Okay. Well, you see, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenly realized I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on the roof of the car. So, I look back and there's this homeless guy, and he'd already picked them up, and he's putting 'em on. So I just thought, what the hell, and kept on driving."
Frasier: So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well, Roz, this is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line!

Frasier: Well, Merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick.
Martin: What? Why not?
Frasier: Well, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria.
Martin: What's the matter with the good old U.S.A.?
Frasier: Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed "The Sound Of Music" in, and that happens to be Freddie's favorite movie.
Martin: What?
Frasier: Well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon trip through the Alps. Oh, yes, and apparently on their way back they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland.

Niles: Daphne, you should come. We have the most wonderful traditional Christmas. It's an actual log cabin. With actual deer grazing in the snow on our front yard. Of course, Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time to scare them away from our garbage, but still, it's enchanting.

Frasier: Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home. We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there... gone. Daphne... gone. If I let him have Christmas, I’ll have nothing left. Just end up some doddering old bachelor. Sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy 78 degrees!
Roz: And how is that different from now?

Frasier: Niles, what do you think? Should we start with the caroling or should we hold off until we've played a spirited game of "The Minister's Cat?"
Niles: Start with the game. Then the caroling. Then perhaps the guests will be ready for another game.
Martin: Yeah, Russian Roulette.

Roz: This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me. I never know what to give the men in my life.
Frasier: Since when?