Robert: Hey, Debra, I'm glad you're here. Tomorrow, believe it or not, is Amy's and my three-month anniversary.
Ray: Oh! What time's the parade?
Robert: And we would like to have you, Debra, over to celebrate, and you can bring somebody.
Debra: Oh, that's sweet.
Ray: Can't make it.
Debra: We'll be there.
Ray: Nope.
Debra: Yup. Do the laundry.
Ray: How about I shrink your underwear and make you think your butt's going fat?

Debra: Ray, look at this. Why do you tell your father when things are broken? All he does is come over, bang on the thing, and then curse.
Ray: That's- That's old-man aerobics.

Ray: All right. Thank you. You got one of those seats that keeps falling down. Don't worry, though. It all worked out.
Peter: [to Hank & Pat] You're the worst parents in the whole world!
Ray: Okay. Good night. [heads for the door]
Peter: Wait, Ray! You know something? I don't need to live here anymore! I'll just go where I'm appreciated, okay? And I hope Jesus does a good job mowing the lawn! Ray, give me a hand with these, will you? Thanks.
Ray: What happened? What's going on? Where's he going?
[cut to a horrified Ray in the car with Peter and his cat]

Frank: You put the fruitcake back in the box?
Ray: Yeah, but turns out nobody likes fruitcake.

Amy: I can't believe it. They said that he's a grown man and he should get on with his life.
Ray: So now he's here to end ours.

Ally: Doesn't Santa bring all the toys?
Ray: To be honest...
Debra: Don't you dare.
Ally: What, Daddy?
Debra: Who wants cookies, huh?
Ally: Tell me about Santa, Daddy.
Ray: Well, the answer, I think, honey, comes down to the basic nature of reality. Hokey-dokey? [Ally shakes her head] No. Honey, I don't know how to tell you this but... [Debra grabs Ray's hair]
Debra: Of course Santa brings all the toys honey we're just gonna be Santa's helpers because he has so much to carry this year and he's out of shape.
Ally: Oh, that's nice.
Debra: Yeah. So why don't you just go and play with your toys from last year and I'm gonna have a nice long talk with your Daddy about the nature of his reality.

Debra: Ray, come on. Go to her. We're never going to get sleep this way, either.
Ray: She's just playing us. Believe me, this is for her own good, okay? If you coddle her now, she'll never move out.
Ally: [o.s.] Hello?
Debra: You know, there's a striking similarity between the tough-love plan and the dad-does-nothing plan.
Ray: I know, that's what attracted me to it at first. But now I think it all makes sense.

Debra: No, don't even act tired.
Ray: What? I am tired.
Debra: Oh, poor Ray, you got a queen-size bed all to yourself. I spent the night on the Swedish rack.
Ray: Well, I couldn't sleep without you. I've grown accustomed to your nose whistle.

Ray: Did you drink from this already?
Debra: No.
Ray: Well, the top didn't pop.
Debra: What?
Ray: Did you check it at the supermarket? 'Cause the top was popped up already.
Debra: It's fine, Ray.
Ray: You got to check them when you buy them.
Debra: Why don't you buy them? Then you can check them!
Ray: Yeah, if I bought them, I wouldn't buy one that had been tampered with.
Debra: Nobody tampered with it. I just had some.
Ray: You just said you didn't.
Debra: I forgot.
Ray: Well, when you opened it, did it pop up-
Debra: I don't know! I am tired!
Ray: I'm not drinking this. I'll wait and see what happens to you.

Robert: Hey, you're the one who came over to my place tonight.
Ray: Yes, and there were no army ants.
Robert: [mimicking Ray] "Oh, my house is empty. Debra's gone! Oh, no! I'm frightened."
Ray: Shut up, ass of the world!
Robert: You shut up, schmuck of the whole neighborhood!
Ray: That's smaller, you idiot!
Robert: I know it's smaller!
Marie: Stop, stop, stop! Stop! [Raymond grunts like a chimp] Raymond, your brother is not a monkey.