Peter: Uh, Mama, what are you working on here?
Pat: Oh, just tidying up a bit.
Peter: Yeah, Mama, but these are all my Foghat albums. What are you doing touching these?
Hank: Pat, you won't believe the filth he's got down there. Have you ever heard of something called "Mad Magazine"? [looks up] Oh, Peter.
Peter: My stuff! What are you doing touching my stuff?!
Hank: Well, you see, Peter, we're sort of reconsidering the layout of the basement.
Peter: What do you mean?
Pat: How it would lay out if you were... gone.

Marie: You killed the bird?
Pat: Well, I had to put it out of its misery.
Frank: You mean you actually put it to death?
Pat: It was very quick.
Frank: How could you do that?
Hank: Oh, she's very good at it.

Amy: Night, Mom and Dad.
Hank: Good night.
Pat: Sweet dreams, honey.
Hank: That's it for me, Mother. I've got quite a bit of flossing to do.
Pat: Good night. I'll be there just as soon as I finish this flaming skull.

Pat: Here, Ray. This looks like it's part of the snake crawling on that poor young lady's bottom.
Ray: Yeah, that fits. You've got a good eye for this.
Pat: I think we're a good team. We're like Kareem and Magic Johnson.
Ray: Kareem and Magic? You know basketball?
Pat: Only what I've learned from your column.
Ray: Really? You read my column?
Pat: Oh, yes. Ever since we became family. They have "Newsday" in the library.
Ray: You go to the library to read my column?
Pat: It's only a 20-minute drive. You're very good.
Ray: Thanks.

Pat: I'm sorry, honey. It was just something to bring the family together.
Robert: Well, it certainly brought her and Raymond together.
Peter: What were you two talking about?
Pat: Oh, many things. We talked about family. We talked about the idea for a book Raymond's going to write.
Peter: Ho ho ho! Well you talked to him about a book idea? You never talk to me about my comic-book ideas!
Pat: Peter, I would like to. It's just that I have a problem relating to characters who eat human flesh.
Peter: Mama, this is my art! And it's obvious you have no problem talking to Ray about his art! [goes inside]
Pat: Maybe I should give his "Zombies" another chance.

Ray: Me? Well, about what..?
Hank: Perhaps you could encourage him to get out there and meet someone.
Pat: Yes, we all know how much he looks up to you. He's over there right now.
Ray: You know, I would, but it's Sunday, and I'm very busy with my... worship.
Pat: But Peter's running out of time. I'm afraid his manly charms are starting to fade. I'm sure the Lord wouldn't mind if you were to miss just one Mass if you were to save one of his lost lambs.

Hank: You know, Robert, we went to a great effort to try to get closer to you, but I can't see how that can happen with you behaving this way.
Ray: Pat's the one who smokes! [to Debra] Great. I've become you.
Hank: What exactly are you saying, Raymond?
Pat: Hank, Hank.
Hank: Pat, please, I'm defending your honor. I won't allow you to drag my family into the muck and mud anymore.
Pat: I smoke!
Amy: Mom?
Peter: Mama?

Hank: What is Robert doing here?
Pat: That's Grandma Trudy's afghan.

Amy: Hey, Mom. So you're having a good time, huh?
Pat: Oh, yes. It's a wonderful shower. It looks like the wedding is really going forward.
Amy: Yes, Mom, it is.
Pat: Good. [rubs her head and walks away]

Pat: And children, we also have the MacDougall family Thanksgiving pageant.
Frank: The- The MacDougall... what?
Robert: Oh, did I forget to mention that? This is fun. Listen to this. This is great.
Amy: When Peter and I were kids we used to put on a play about the first Thanksgiving. And we thought
that since Ally and the boys were coming this year, we could try it again. Doesn't that sound like fun, kids? [the twins are silent]
Ray: You don't even have like a little emergency TV?
Hank: The kids can play most of the parts, and Peter will reprise his role as...
Peter: Squanto.
Pat: All right, children, if you want to follow me, I have costumes and decorations. [the kids are still] And candy. [the kids run off with Pat]