Hank: How long have you smoked?
Pat: 27 years.
Hank: Oh!
Pat: I'm sorry, Hank.
Hank: Smoking! Smoking! It's like you never listened to a word I said.
Pat: Oh, Hank, I listen to you all the time, and it's hard, because you're so overly certain about everything.
Hank: You mean like "Smoking is bad"? Well, why don't you just drink poison?
Pat: I have to tell you, Hank, I don't like that tone of voice. And I'll tell you something else: I think you're the reason I smoke. Now, you know I love you with all my heart, Hank, but I think if I didn't have my cigarettes, I would have to fight you. Oh, my goodness, that felt good to say. Thank you, Debra.
Hank: "Thank you, Debra"?
Debra: You're welcome.

Ray: Anyway, this section's all done. Shall we keep goin'?
Pat: Oh, I don't know. Well, why not?
Ray: Yeah, why not? So, what do you think of my dad?
Pat: I think we should finish the puzzle.

Hank: Well, here it is, Mother: Amy and Robert's wedding invitation.
Pat: Oh, all right. I guess we should look at it. It is a nice envelope.
Hank: "Attire optional"?
Pat: Hank! They're nudists!

Pat: You know what it could be? Maybe she doesn't read your column so much anymore because she's feeling a little jealous.
Ray: Jealous?
Pat: Well, I wouldn't blame her. You have such an exciting life, Ray. You meet a lot of interesting people, and you go to so many exotic places.
Ray: You mean like Tampa?
Pat: You've been to Tampa?
Ray: Couple times, yeah.
Pat: Well, there you go. You know, sometimes I feel a little jealous of Hank's work.
Ray: He's a high-school principal, right?
Pat: Vice-principal. But you'd think he was the principal the way he always comes home with such interesting stories. And I just want to say, "My gosh, what I would give to be a fly on the wall of that teachers' lounge." Excuse my language.
Ray: That's okay. I like how you talk.

Peter: So, that's it?
Pat: I'm sorry, Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus.
Peter: Jesus doesn't need a room! His dad didn't throw him out! I need my kitty! Where's Miss Puss? Miss Puss-Puss!
Hank: She's outside.
Peter: What?! Outside?! No! Miss Puss is an inside cat!
Pat: Not anymore.

Peter: Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
Pat: Peter, stop. I don't think it's cuckoo at all.
[When Pat does Robert's chin touch with her food, she ends with a lump of mashed vegetables on her chin]
Pat: May I have a napkin, please?

Pat: It's all right, Ray. We'll always have Sacred Death.

Pat: Hello, Ray. What a surprise.
Ray: Hi. Hi, Mrs. MacDougall. Uh, it was quite a long drive. Could I use your facilities?
Pat: Certainly. Come in. Right through there and to the left. There are cherubs on the door.

Hank: Pat!
Pat: I thought since it wasn't a secret anymore... [puts her lighter away] Okay.

Pat: And you look so beautiful today, and... [sobs]
Amy: What? What?
Pat: I'm sorry. I guess I pictured my little girl's wedding a certain way. I used to worry about telling you what to expect, you know, on your wedding night? But you and Robert have already...
Amy: Mother, please!
Pat: I'm sorry. You're right, sweetie. I know it's a different world. All fun, all the time. But look at you. You're like an angel dropped from heaven, and you've always been that for me and your father.
Amy: Thanks, Mom.
Pat: I better go. That phone book for Aunt Florence is a good idea.