Vanessa: Well, all I know is the Giants are gonna lose before the Jets.
Monk: I'll tell you what. If the Giants lose before the Jets, the barbershop will pay for you ladies to have a night out on the town.
Vanessa: Oh-oh, well, start saving.
Monk: But what if we win?
Vanessa: That- That is not going to happen.
Rochelle: Since it's not gonna happen, say anything. Buy everybody a new car. Cook dinner for all the men for a month. Better yet, go out with Kill Moves.
Vanessa: All right, little Miss Naysayer, I'll do that. If we lose, I'll go out with Kill Moves.

Greg: Man, she is a fly.
Chris: Not a fly, is fly. She's fly.
Greg: I just wish I knew what to do to get a girl like her.
Chris: Easy. Be a guy like him.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In high school, you learned that the type of girl you are determines the type of guy you go out with. Nerdy girls hang out with nerdy guys, smart girls hang out with smart guys and dumb girls hang out with jocks. And then there are the girls that didn't hang out with anybody and the guys that made fun of them. We were those guys, and she was that girl.
Greg: Man, look at that. She looks like her family gave the baby back and kept the stork.
Chris: Her name is Kelly, but everybody calls her "Big Bird."
Joey Caruso: Hey, Big Bird.
Boy #1: Yo, Big Bird.
Boy #2: What's up, Big Bird? [they laugh]
Greg: I wonder what'd have to go wrong for you to end up with a girl like that?
Chris: It's like being on The Planet of The Apes, and all the apes said, "No."

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't have anything against Big Bird, and unfortunately for me, she didn't have anything against me either.
Kelly: You're Chris, right?
Chris: Yeah.
Kelly: I've seen you around, and I really think you're kinda cute. Do you want to hang out sometime?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No!
Chris: Sure.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where's an ape when you need one?

Chris: I told her yeah.
Greg: Why?
Chris: 'Cause she asked. Girls don't ask me out all the time.
Greg: Yeah, that's the beauty of the situation. You had a chance to boost your low self-esteem by turning someone else down for a change.
Chris: Yeah, but when the girl asks, you don't just say no. Plus, my dad said never to hurt a girl's feelings. Besides, they don't take rejection well.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] How are they gonna learn if they don't get any practice?
Greg: Attractive girls don't take rejection well. Girls like Big Bird, they're used to it.
Chris: You know what? Fine. It's done. I'm gonna go out with her once. Trust me. I'm gonna make sure we don't have fun, so she doesn't want to go out again.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I usually did that without trying.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was betting I could get rid of Big Bird, Vanessa was betting big on the Jets.
Monk: Here you go. Sorry it took so long.
Vanessa: Five weeks, you should be sorry. You should have saved your money. I told you the Jets were gonna win.
Rochelle: Vanessa, you gonna get enough of this gambling, I keep trying to tell you.
Vanessa: No, this is a sure thing. The New York Jets have been on a winning streak like you've never seen.
Monk: They just got lucky. I'll bet you they don't win next week.
Rochelle: The Giants play the Jets?
Monk: No, they're just both on winning streaks.
Rochelle: Wait a minute. This is the dumbest thing I ever heard. Your team is winning and your team is winning, but you both figured out a way to lose money on it.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After the bad food, there was a bad movie.
Kelly: What's this called?
Chris: Leonard Part V. Nipsy Russell's best movie. They're doing a sequel with Bill Cosby.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After the bad movie, we took a bad walk.
Jerome: Hey, little dude on a date, let me hold all your money! [Chris runs away]
Kelly: Chris, come back!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No!
Kelly: [sighs]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The only date worse than me was Phil Spector.

Rochelle: Well, I don't know what you want me to do.
Vanessa: What do you normally do during the game?
Rochelle: Well, other than serving beer and chips, I'm usually ironing.
Vanessa: Did you do that week two when the Jets lost?
Rochelle: Now, how am I supposed to know what week is what in your mojo world?
Vanessa: Well, think, Rochelle, this is important. Remember, I lost all that money and you gave me that lecture on "gambling is evil."
Rochelle: That's when Julius burnt my shirt.
[flashback to Julius ironing while watching TV as Rochelle talks on the phone:]
Julius: Giants win 20 to 7, Jet's lose 20 to 6.
Rochelle: Julius, my shirt! [on the phone] What do you mean, you lost $30?
[present:]
Rochelle: And every week after that, I've been ironing.
Vanessa: And every week the Jets have been winning, so I don't care what you do on Monday. You make sure you iron those clothes.

Tonya: That's what I said. The Giants are gonna win the Superbowl, and Phil Simms is gonna lead them to the promised land. Right, Daddy?
Julius: That's right, sweetie. [they high five]
Drew: You're crazy. Wesley Walker and Al Toon are having record years. The Jets are going to the Superbowl. Ain't that right, Mom?
Rochelle: No doubt about it. [they high five]
Julius: Tonya's right. The Giants are unbeatable.
Rochelle: All right, Julius, I'll tell you what. I hate betting, but since you want to run your mouth, and call me names, if the Giants lose before the Jets do, you and little Miss That's What I Said have to clean up after everybody else for a month.
Julius: And if the Jets lose before the Giants, you and Drew have to do it.
Rochelle: You have a bet.
Julius: All right. [chuckles] You're gonna lose.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Everyone called Kelly "Big Bird," but call me cuckoo: I was actually starting to like her. [Kelly kisses Chris on the cheek] That kiss from Big Bird made me feel like Superfly.