Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was flying with Big Bird, my father wanted the Jets to crash.
Julius: I need the Jets to lose.
Ryan: We're doing everything we can to put the mojo on the Jets.
Risky: I'm wearing my lucky socks.
Kill Moves: I ain't eating nothing but bananas and peanut butter.
Monk: I'm gonna call 'em up and I'm gonna threaten 'em.
Ryan: What about you, Julius? What did you do the last time the Jets lost?
Julius: It was weird 'cause I remember I was ironing because the Giants won and the Jets lost 20 to 6, and I remember thinking, "That's one extra point worth of loss."
Ryan: Well, you know what that means. You need to iron on Monday.
All: Yeah!

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kelly didn't realize that I was avoiding being seen with her. She just thought I was the greatest phone boyfriend ever.
[montage:]
Chris: [on the phone] I guess my favorite rappers are Run-DMC.
Kelly: I love Salt n' Pepa.
Chris: My favorite character from the Rocky movies is Clubber Lang.
Kelly: I love Captain Drago.
Chris: And I jumped off the top stairs, started flying and landed on the Mary Jane Girls.
Kelly: I had the exact same dream except I landed on Rick James.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] About the only thing we didn't talk about is when we'd get together again.
Kelly: So when do you want to do something again?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] 12th of never?
Chris: Um, there's a football game on today. Maybe we could watch that.
Kelly: Oh, my place or yours?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I prefer a secluded town on the outskirts of nowhere.
Chris: Um, I was thinking somewhere different.
Kelly: Uh, where?
Chris: Uh, let it-- Let it be my surprise.

Rochelle: Julius, did you see my...?
Julius: Hey, Rochelle. You ready for the Jets game?
Rochelle: [grunting] You no good, low-down...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Those are words you can't say on TV.
Rochelle: -dirty, good-for-nothing. T-t-to sneak down here and...
Julius: What's wrong with you? I'm just doing the ironing.
Rochelle: [throws clothes] [yells] I can't believe this. [throws a pan at Julius]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Good thing she wasn't near the toaster.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my mother had a giant problem with the Jets losing.
Tonya: Start cleaning, Drew.
Rochelle: You sit back down, Drew. You're not cleaning up anything.
Julius: What are you talking about?
Rochelle: I'm not talking to you. You wanna play dirty, stay dirty.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father won a bet, but he was about to lose a war.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at school, the early bird was about to get the worm.
Kelly: Surprise! I found you.
Chris: Kelly. Yeah, you did find me. Um, what are you doing here?
Kelly: I wanted to see you. It's like I never see you around school anymore. It's like I have to hunt you down.I'm almost starting to think that you're trying to avoid me.
Chris: Oh. What gave you that idea?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You.

Kelly: Well, I just wanted to give you something before I go.
Chris: What's that? [Kelly kisses Chris]
Jock #1: Hey! It's Big Bird.
Jock #2: Hey, were's Bert and Ernie?
Jock #1: I guess that makes you Snuffleupagus?
Jock #2: No, it makes him Roosevelt Franklin.
Jock #1: Cookie? Cookie! [all laugh] Cookie!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Who are they making fun of? They obviously watch a lot of Sesame Street.
Kelly: Chris, aren't you gonna say something? Or are you just gonna stand there and watch?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Stand here and watch. [Chris is silent]
Kelly: Fine. Now I know how you really feel.

Julius: Cheated? I never cheated.
Rochelle: Oh, really? So out of the blue, you just decided that you wanted to iron?
Julius: Well, no.
Rochelle: You no-good, low-down, dirty little...
Julius: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What does me ironing have to do with me cheating?
Rochelle: Because I always do the ironing and every time I iron, the Jets win. But no, you had to go steal my mojo and ruin our nine-game winning streak.
Julius: What?! I didn't know ironing was your thing, too. The guys told me to iron again, and I just did it.
Rochelle: Really?
Julius: Yeah. I play fair.
Rochelle: Oh. Well, me and Drew will clean upstairs, and you and Tonya will clean downstairs. [Julius holds out his arms] Don't touch me. [kisses Julius]

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father made things right with my mother. Now I needed to make things right with my Bird.

Chris: It's just that these football players were calling her Big Bird and stuff and I didn't really do anything about it.
Julius: Chris, even if a girl's eyes are too far apart, I thought I told you never to hurt a girl's feelings.
Chris: I know.
Julius: No, obviously you don't.
Chris: You think she'll forgive me?
Julius: I don't know. You'll have to work that out with her.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even if a girl's eyes are too far apart.