Woody: Oh, Mr. Peterson, I forgot. Some guy dropped by earlier and asked me to give this to you.
Norm: Oh, thank you, Woody. And thank you, God!
Cliff: Oh, well, what's that, Normie? A research grant from the National Beer Foundation?
Woody: No, Cliffie, just a measly little pair of sky-view seats for the Sox-Yankee doubleheader tomorrow.
Sam: Whoa, you're kidding me! I pulled every string I had and I could only score standing room. Come on. How'd you get that?
Norm: Sammy, it's not who you know, it's who I know, all right?
Sam: Yeah.
Norm: A client friend of mine, Jerry Donahue, sent those babies over to thank me for being such a fantastic financial counselor.
Sam: No, seriously, how'd you get 'em?

Norm: I'm tellin' you, I saved the guy a bundle on his taxes last year. He asked me to invest his windfall, you know? And in the space of six short months, I kinda doubled his money. We got lucky on a little convenience mart up in Worcester.
Carla: What'd you do? Hold it up? [laughs]
Norm: You guys are hilarious. But Jerry's laughing all the way to the bank, all right? I diversified the guy. We went into, uh, mutuals, and a very pretty little biotech company that just went public.
Sam: Boy, sounds like you got the Midas touch there.
Norm: You should hear some of the other great ideas we have cooked up.
Cliff: Yeah? Like what?
Norm: Mm... No, no, sorry, guys. My lips are sealed.
Sam: Buy you a beer.
Norm: It's called "Tan 'N Wash".

Cliff: Well, Normie, I gotta say it's the silliest, most harebrained scheme I've ever heard of. [chuckles] Yeah. Well, I gotta go. [quietly] Normie, walk me out.
Norm: I'm not leaving yet, Cliff.
Cliff: Neither am l. Ma and I want in.
Norm: In where?
Cliff: Don't be naive, Normie. Put me up for five shares.
Norm: No, no, no. Investments are risky, Cliff. Look, I never do business with friends, all right? Besides, it's 200 bucks a share.
Sam: Put me down for five, too, will ya?
Cliff: Oh, great, Norm, now the cat's outta the bag!

Diane: Besides, with my rendezvous with Chad coming up, I dare not risk freckling.
Sam: Why not? If it got boring, you could always play connect-the-dots.
Diane: God, how this must torment you.

Norm: Whew! Hey, hey! Check out Mr. Tan there, huh? Say, Sammy, did you just fly to the tropics and spend a week and thousands of dollars under the blazing, unhealthy sun?
Sam: [dismissive laugh] No, no, Norm. No, I just spent my lunch hour under some healthful, federally-approved UVA rays at the Tan 'N Wash.
Norm: Say, those clothes are really lookin' clean there, pal.
Sam: Well, thank you, Norm.
Norm: Yeah. Now is it true that with these coupons anyone can get 25% off on their first five visits?
Sam: Well, that's what I hear.
Norm: Great.

Diane: Well, it's just that it's such a lovely, sunny day out as your tanned faces will attest. Well, I guess I'm feeling especially girlish.
Woody: How come, Miss Chambers?
Sam: Nah, nah, nah, don't, don't.
Diane: You know, Woody, the usual thing that puts a bounce in a girl's step.
Woody: Ah! Support hose.
Diane: You're adorable. No, I'm referring to a very special evening.

Carla: Well, looky here. The paper predicts the same high for Boston as Honolulu. That is Honolulu, Hawaii, the state where you can get a free tan all year round.
Norm: Carla, if you're trying to say something, why don't you just spit it out, all right?
Carla: Tan 'N' Wash bites it.
Norm: Okay, I'll admit Indian summer's killing us temporarily, but this is Boston. It's gonna get cold.

Norm: You know, I predicted this. You guys are nervous Nellies and you're trying to blame it all on me.
Cliff: I want out, Norm.
Carla: Yeah, me, too.
Sam: Who wants a tan in the winter anyway?
Norm: Wait, wait. This is not the smart move. You gotta hang in there. You gotta roll with the punches, all right?
Carla: You're gonna roll with the punches if you don't get us outta this.
Sam: Nah, I just don't think that we're cut out for it.
Diane: No.
Norm: Apparently not, all right? Yeah, geez, have it your way, guys, okay? Look, all right, I tell ya what. Okay? I'll personally buy out your shares, all right? I'll have your checks in the mail within a week. Stupid mistake. Stupid. Stupid.

Cliff: Ooh, ooh, boy. It's still snowing out there.
Carla: Yeah, and every flake means another buck in Norm's pocket.
Paul: You- You guys still moaning because Norm hit the jackpot and you didn't?
Cliff: Hey, come on, Paul, give us some credit for being adults, huh? Hey, what do you say we toilet paper his house?
Carla: Nah, it'd only make it look better.

Diane: Norman, Norman. Please don't leave. We're taking it out on you, but we're really mad at ourselves. The hostility you're feeling is for our own stupidity at bailing out of this project. Right, everyone? [everyone is silent]
Norm: You guys are beautiful.
Sam: Oh, well, come on, wait a second. Come on back here.
Cliff: Yeah, we've been actin' like creeps, Normie.
Carla: I'll fluff up your favorite stool.
Woody: Yeah, I'll open a fresh bag of pretzels.
Sam: And I'll pour you a beer just the way you like it: within reach. What we're trying to say here is, we're sorry.
Cliff: Yeah.
Sam: You had the guts to stick it out, and we didn't, and you deserve all the success now.
Norm: Thank you, Sam. Guys. I'm really glad to hear that because, uh, I have a little surprise for you guys. I never took you out of Tan 'N' Wash at all. And here are your first dividend checks right here, huh?