Previous Episode Next Episode 
House of Horrors with Formal Dining and Used Brick

‘House of Horrors with Formal Dining and Used Brick’

Season 5, Episode 5 -  Aired October 30, 1986

After Carla buys a house that Cliff recommended to her, she finds out it's built on a 17th century prison graveyard.

Quote from Norm

Carla: Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do, but it's not necessary. I'm fine.
Cliff: Oh, sure, you're fine. It's a terrific place, Carla. It's got a really nice feeling in here. It's, uh, warm and cozy.
Norm: Have you checked out the rest of the place yet?
Cliff: No, I thought it might be a good idea to have a beer first.
Norm: Yeah, I find that pretty much applies to just about everything.


Quote from Carla

Carla: The house, it's different now. It likes me. It wants me. You know what? I think I'm gonna put the couch right over here. And the oil painting of me and Elvis on that wall. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And the easy chair... [rumbling] What's that?
Cliff: I don't know.
Carla: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! They're coming to get us. They're gonna drag us back down to the grave with them! [gasps] [screams] [jet engines roar] [screams]
Cliff: No, wait, no, Carla, know what that is? It it's- It's not the dead coming out of the grave to feast on human flesh. It's an L-1011 wide-body. You know, the sounds are very similar. Yeah. And I understand that during foggy weather, they have to reroute those babies to runway two-niner. It must be near here.
Carla: Do you mean that this house, my house, is at the end of a runway?
Cliff: [whimpers] Uh-huh.
Carla: And that was a wide-body jet landing ten feet from my backyard?
Cliff: [whimpers] Yeah.
Carla: And this house is not cheap because it's haunted, but because it is right next to the airport?
Cliff: Yeah.
Carla: I'm home! Yay!

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: What's shakin', Mr. Peterson?
Norm: What isn't?

Quote from Norm

Norm: I do not have a good feeling about this place, Cliff.
Cliff: All right, Normie, look, I said we're going to stick it out, and that's exactly what we're going to do, eh?
Norm: All right, if the going gets tough, you can count on Norm Peterson.
Carla: Well, that was Sam. Vera called. She wants you to come home.
Norm: Yep. I'm out of here.
Carla: Norm, Norm, come on! I mean, since when are you in such a rush to get home to Vera?
Norm: Since you moved in over a graveyard, Carla. Guys, look, I-I'm sorry. I just I don't know. Scary stuff just scares me.
[Norm puts his beer can down on the counter and leaves. He opens the door again, grabs the can and goes]
Carla: Hey, hey, Normie, you're driving!
[Norm opens the door, puts the beer can back on the counter and leaves again. He then returns, leaving his car keys and taking the beer instead.]

Quote from Norm

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, I'm a Leo. What's my horoscope say?
Norm: The young bartender should refill mug of thirsty patron at corner of bar.
Woody: Those things are so vague, they could apply to anyone.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Sammy! Sammy! Listen, I went to see that house, and it was perfect. I mean, listen to this. Me and the older kids could have rooms of our own.
Sam: Oh-ho!
Carla: And there's this big kitchen with Formica as far as the eye could see. And there's grass, Sammy. I mean, can you imagine having grass of your very own to water and mow and lie down in naked anytime you want.
Sam: That's the American dream, all right.
Carla: Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, there's a fireplace. Finally the kids are going to have a place where they're supposed to start a fire. I'm so excited, I don't know what to do.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: What was that?
Norm: Hound from hell.
Cliff: No, no, no, no. That's, a that was a Dalmatian. I'd say probably six, seven years old. Definitely neutered. Yep I've, uh, never been bitten by that breed, but, uh... [phone rings]
Norm: What was that?
Carla: It was the telephone. Keep an eye on lndiana Jones here, huh?

Quote from Woody

Norm: Yeah, it says here there's another sighting of the Loch Ness monster.
Cliff: Yeah?
Norm: Do you believe that? There's even a picture of him.
Woody: Whoa! Looks kind of like President Reagan.
Norm: That is Reagan. The other picture's the monster.
Woody: Oh, I see.
Cliff: Wonder if they'll ever catch that thing, huh?
Frasier: Well, l, for one, hope they never do. I mean, none of us really want to see that poor beast hauled out of the water and put on display in some sideshow.
Woody: Well, I sure would. You know, we could all go together. I don't mind driving.
Norm: Yeah, but, uh, you see, Woody, they...
Woody: You know, it'd be kind of fun. We could pack a lunch.
Norm: No, Woody, they...
Woody: All right, who wants peanut butter and jelly and who wants bologna?
Norm: Woody, they... I'll have one of each, all right?

Quote from Carla

Norm: Hey, Carla, how's that house-hunting going, huh?
Carla: [stuffs Norm's tie in his mouth] Does that answer your question?
Norm: [muffled] Yes, very nicely.
Carla: Boy, I'll tell you, it's hopeless. I've looked everywhere in the Boston area, and I just cannot find a house in my price range. After scrimping and saving for years, I think I got finally enough set aside for a little place, and find out I ain't got squat.
Sam: Well, what's the big rush? Your apartment's fine.
Carla: No, it's not. My kids get bigger, my apartment gets smaller. I don't know what it's like to be alone in a bathroom anymore. What's it like, Sam? Is it everything people say it is?
Sam: More. Much, much more.
Carla: I knew it.

Quote from Diane

Diane: If you're trying to make me jealous, you can stop. I want you to date these women. While they may look better in leotards-- then again, they may not-- they can't compare to the total package you've experienced with me.
Sam: Oh, I see. We're talking brains. Listen, I'll have you know that Tiffany happens to be a very exceptional young woman.
Diane: Ah, yes, Tiffany. The girl with the IQ of a lamp. Let me describe her for you: spandex wardrobe. Spends all of her time in a gym. Breasts that would provide shade for a small boy.
Sam: You, you're not even close. You, you're so far from being close. [Diane walks off] She makes me crazy.

Page 2