Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Tan 'n' Wash’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Tan 'n' Wash

506. Tan 'n' Wash

Aired November 6, 1986

Against his better judgment, Norm allows his friends at Cheers to invest in a tanning/laundromat start-up.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Paul: Hey, Norm, how's the world been treatin' ya?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.

Rate

Quote from Woody

Carla: Hey, Wood, do you want in?
Woody: I don't think so. You know, when I left home, my father gave me some very sound advice. "Never trust a man who can't look ya in the eye. Never talk when you can listen. And never spend venture capital on a limited partnership without a detailed, analytical fiduciary prospectus."

Quote from Woody

Norm: Tell you the one I hate. You know, you're back in college, right? And you haven't been to class the entire semester, and the teacher's about to give the final exam.
Carla: Oh, yeah, that one's the worst.
Cliff: What're you talkin' about, Carla? You never went to college.
Carla: It's a dream, stupid.
Woody: Well, how about the one where you go to this fancy restaurant, and before they let you in, they make you leave your legs at the door? Then the girl gives you claim check number six. So you go in, but instead of food, everyone's eatin' their silverware. Only you can't really enjoy your fork because you're so worried that whoever got claim check number nine might finish first and pick up your legs by mistake.
Carla: Yeah.
Sam: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Diane

Carla: I think you're all crazy. But if Clavin makes big bucks and I don't, I won't be able to live with the shame. Give me a share.
Diane: Oh, me, too! Me, too!
Carla: You, Diane? Laying bets on a laundry?
Diane: Well, in my case, it's not a gamble, but rather a show of faith in our great free enterprise system. Yes, even Diane Chambers is not immune to the renaissance of American patriotism in the 1980s. Although I hasten to remind you this does not imply any shifting of my support toward the current administration.
Sam: I hope nobody was looking for a silent partner.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Frasier, a sunburn?
Frasier: No, I'm doing my impression of a blood blister.
Carla: Hey, Frasier. You know, there's something I've always been meaning to ask you. What was your reaction the first time you saw Diane naked? [Carla slaps Frasier on his sun-burnt back]
Frasier: [screams in agony]

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Well! Hey I tell ya, is that Cliff Clavin or is that Don Ho, huh? Where ya been, buddy, some, uh, faraway island resort?
Cliff: Oh, easy mistake, Norm, but, no, I got this tan right here in Beantown.
Norm: Is that at the new Tan 'N Wash I've been hearing so danged much about?
Cliff: That's right, Normie. And, by the way, did you realize that the tan first gained popularity in what is now known as the Bronze Age?
Norm: Great, great. Well, I'm sold.
Cliff: Oh, and, by the way, look how white I used to be. [pulls down his sock]
Sam: You wore your socks in the tanning booth?
Cliff: Well, l, I gotta be careful, Sammy. The Clavin men have, uh, feet like a baby's bottom.
Carla: With faces to match.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Now, "Tan 'N Wash", guys. The ultimate marriage of luxury and convenience. A combination tanning salon and coin-operated laundry.
Carla: Get real.
Norm: Come on. The timing's right on this. Summer tans are fading. Winter's coming. It's always dirty clothes season. It's gonna be the hottest place in town.
Sam: I'm glad you're already thinking about arson.
Cliff: [laughs] Yeah, arson.
Diane: Don't listen to them, Norman. And never be deterred by the mindless jibes of the ignorant masses.
Norm: Those ignorant masses are gonna be our customers.
Woody: Hey, I'll be there will bells on.
Norm: Everyone'll be there, buddy, fluffing, folding, relaxing happily beneath the healthful rays of a federally-approved UVA bronzing unit.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, Diane, you shouldn't be investin' in a tanning salon. You oughta be usin' one. You got skin the color of Elmer's glue.
Diane: I happen to have what Restoration poets refer to as "alabaster skin."
Sam: Well, at least your hair looks nice.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: No, no, no, come on, Norm. You gonna let us in or not?
Norm: Let's just change the subject, all right?
Carla: Hey, he's tryin' to sidetrack us. This thing must be a gold mine.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, hey, Normie, uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but yesterday you had a letter you needed mailed. I did it, and you can at least return the favor.
Norm: Cliffie, that's your job.
Cliff: Well, all right. Then, as one professional to another... Come on, Norm!

Quote from Carla

Carla: So what's the deal with the, uh, "Tan 'N Wash"?
Norm: For a new business, I'd say Tan 'N Wash is doing as well as could be expected.
Carla: Oh, yeah? I dropped by this morning and the only customer in the place was a lonely woman kicking the hell out of a jammed change machine.
Norm: Oh, come on.
Carla: By the way, you owe me a quarter and a new pair of shoes.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Will you back off, Carla? I don't see you pitchin' in for the cause here.
Carla: Yeah, yeah? Well, all I know is I wouldn't stick a fork in a toaster, never mind my valuables.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You try to help out a few newly enterprising friends and what do you get for your trouble? 45 minutes in hell.
Sam: Sit. Keep it down, will ya? Keep it down here.
Frasier: Keep it down? I've got the worst sunburn of my life, thanks to a faulty thermo-regulator on tanning machine number three, the Bahama Mama.
Norm: Frasier, you're supposed to start off slowly, all right? But I must say, you do have one heck of a fantastic base coat there, Fras.
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, and your, uh, your shirt sure smells fresher.
Frasier: Really? It's not too lemony?
Sam: Not for you.

Quote from Woody

Woody: [hums "Isn't it Romantic"] Hey, Sam. I found out all about Miss Chambers' date. I mean, uh... beautiful night of magic.
Sam: Just spill it, will ya, Woody?
Woody: Well, the ballet was exquisite, but it paled by comparison to the enchanting coach ride under the stars. Chad held her porcelain like hand lightly, tracing tiny circles on her alamander-
Sam: Alabaster.
Woody: ...alabaster skin, and then, fearing that the spell might be broken, she invited him up to her pied-de-teer for some quiet conversation and warm brandy, and then...
Sam: What?
Woody: Miss Chambers said if you want to hear the rest, you gotta ask her yourself. [laughs]
Sam: Oh, forget it! Forget it, man!
Woody: Oh, ask her, Sam. Sounds like you won't be disappointed.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Normie, I can't hold out any longer. Ma's getting antsy. The last time she spent a thousand dollars was on a house.
Norm: Cliff, I'm sorry. I- I really am, but you guys begged me to let ya in. It's not like I didn't warn you.
Carla: Oh, sure. "Don't do this. I pray to God you don't do this." You call that a warning?

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, excuse me. May I have your ear for a moment?
Sam: Sure. Just don't leave any bite marks.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, I've decided to break off my relationship with Chad.
Sam: Who?
Diane: What an actor you are. You know, if you hadn't chosen bartending, you could well have had a career in the theater.
Sam: Or as a model.
Diane: Anyway, you needn't continue this charade of nonchalance. I'm ending my affaire de coeur because I can sense how it's secretly gnawing away at you.
Sam: Okay. All right. I'm glad. All I've been able to think about is you and Chad. In your apartment. In his car. On the stairs. Doing things even we never did. I mean, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Diane: Oh, Sam. Really?
Sam: Gee, maybe I could have been an actor.
Diane: Oh!

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody. [silence] Norm! Norman. How're you feeling today, Norm? Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
Woody: Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson. Boy, you sure have gotten successful, huh?
Norm: Well, Woody, you know what they say about success. It's one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.
Carla: So is your shirt.
Cliff: Yeah, and you know what else they say about success there, Mr. Rockeflounder? It's lonely at the top.
Norm: Yeah, but the food's better, Cliff.
Sam: Hey, you don't have to rub our noses in it, man. I mean, we're your friends, after all.
Norm: Friends? You call yourselves friends? The last four or five times I've walked in here, you treat me as if I've done something wrong. You know, not one of you guys has bothered to congratulate me for my success. Which, I might add, you all had a chance to share in. Maybe I should just take my refreshment business elsewhere. When I think of all the hours I wasted in here when I could have been wasting them somewhere else.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Boy, did I have a crazy dream last night.
Carla: What was it?
Sam: I was at this party with a bunch of strangers. The food was great. The music was loud. All of a sudden, everybody in the place stopped and was lookin' at me, and I realized that I wasn't wearing any pants.
Norm: Oh, yes, yes. I've had that dream a million times.
Cliff: Yeah, me, too, and boy, is it ever embarrassing, huh?
Sam: Why is that?
Cliff: Uh... Uh, Norm?

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, I need to ask a big favor.
Sam: All right, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Diane: Okay, then, I need to ask a huge favor. Would it be possible two weeks from this coming Wednesday for me to leave work early about ten minutes?
Sam: Sure, why not?
Diane: Oh, thank you, Sam. Thank you very much. And thank you for not prying further into the matter. Especially since, well, I've no valid excuse for my early departure. Sam, I must be frank.
Sam: Sounds good. I'll be Bob.

Quote from Diane

Diane: I mean, it's not as if I had a dental appointment or had to pick up some relative at the airport.
Sam: Okay, Diane, why do you have to leave early two weeks from this Wednesday?
Diane: Well, if you must know... I have a date.
Sam: Oh, yeah, I've heard of those. Have fun.
Diane: Oh, sweet transparent bravado. Could there be a soul dearer than the little boy lost, trembling on the edge of despair, yet struggling manfully to maintain his stiff upper lip?
Sam: Thank you for noticing.
Diane: Oh, wait, Sam, wait. One more thing.
Sam: What?
Diane: After our five-star-dinner and-season-premiere-of-the-ballet date, Chad - Dr. Stark, may desire a kiss. Would you mind - should he ask - if I let his lips touch mine?
Sam: Touch your what?

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode