Nick Tortelli: You got a guy, Carla?
Carla: No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information, I am not seeing anybody, but the guy that knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you. Now get out of here.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, I know I have no reason to expect any kindness from you. I treated you like dirt. But I've come back to start over again. I would like to make it up to you and my previous children, if you give me a chance.
Carla: I don't know what to say, Nick. Part of me wants to laugh in your face. The rest of me wants to throw up.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, go with your heart.

Carla: Just how dumb do you think I am, huh? She kicks you out and you expect me to believe that you're a sweet, humble guy that wants to do right by me?
Nick Tortelli: It's true, Carla. What would it take to convince you?
Carla: Forget it.
Nick Tortelli: Wait. [lights a match and sets his drink on fire] Here, I'm going to hold my hand over this flame until you believe my sincerity.
Carla: Go ahead. I happen to be fond of the smell of roast pig.
Norm: Oh, yuck, he's going to do it.
[Nick raises his hand above the glass, albeit at arm's length from the flame]
Nick Tortelli: Say you believe me and end my torment.
Norm: Say, Nick, shouldn't you be putting it a little closer down to the flame?
Nick Tortelli: What, are there rules to this? It's plenty warm up here where it is.
Carla: Nick, you're roach droppings. I never want to see you again in my life.

Sam: Nick, I'm afraid I'm going to have to close up here.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, yeah, I know. Just one more thing, Sam, okay? Could I do a few odd jobs for you for a few bucks?
Sam: Uh... Boy, you know, I really don't need anything, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, you don't understand. I'll do anything. A man without a job isn't a man, Sam. I'll sweep, I'll clean, I'll get on my knees and scrub the place. The place will be spotless, Sam. Please...
Sam: Yeah, okay.
Nick Tortelli: Oh, Sam, uh, thank you. Thank you, Sam. Thank you. God bless you, Sam. God bless you.
Sam: Uh, the broom's right in the closet over there.
Nick Tortelli: Tonight?! That's a little short notice. I'll do it.

Nick Tortelli: Listen, tonight after work, me and you, what do you say, like the old times? All right, we'll go over to the White Castle, get some burgers and then catch some wrestling? There's a couple of great grudge matches tonight, huh?
Carla: Forget it, Nick. I'd enjoy that with a classy guy, but you and I aren't happening.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, what do I have to do? Don't you believe that people change? I'm telling you, you hit rock bottom, then you've got to change or there's no living with yourself otherwise. Sam understands that. He was a stinking drunk.
Sam: I had a problem, Nick.
Nick Tortelli: And good Miss Diane understands. She's hustling hooch now. It wasn't too long ago she was strapped to a bed in the drooling academy.
Diane: It was only once that I was restrained to my bed for my own safety when psychotropic drugs affected my sense of balance. And that was only for a week and a half, I was told. And anyway, what are we talking about me for?
Nick Tortelli: Carla, why will you not relent?
Carla: Because I don't believe you have it in you to be true to me. I think if Loretta came back and wanted you, you would go to her.
Nick Tortelli: Carla, you're going to believe me one day and I'm going to hang in until you do. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish oiling the coasters on Sam's office chair. Uh, fixing the big wheel's little wheels.
Sam: I appreciate it, Nick.

Nick Tortelli: Carla!
Carla: Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Long time, no see. You do somethin' to your hair?
Carla: No.
Nick Tortelli: Think about it. [wheezing laughter]
Carla: Nick, be a cannibal. Eat a rat.
Nick Tortelli: The magic is still there, Carla. Whatever happened between us?
Carla: You lied, you cheated, you neglected the kids, you never came home, and you drank too much.
Nick Tortelli: Nah. It'd have to be more than that.

Loretta: Nicky!
Nick Tortelli: Loretta. I've decided to forgive you for bursting in on me and Miss Romero in the shower.
Loretta: I'm sorry, Nicky.
Nick Tortelli: You oughta be. It was very embarrassing. Let's go home.
Loretta: Okay.
Diane: Be strong.
Loretta: I mean... No.
Nick Tortelli: That sounded negative to me.

Carla: This is great. Nick is gonna cast a love spell on Miss Goody Two Shoes, and I get to watch.
Nick Tortelli: Actually, I'm not gonna make my romantic approach tonight. It's getting too late for that. Ah, yes, goodness look at the time. [swings a pocket watch in front of Diane] Time. Time to lay back. Time to forget your inhibitions.
Carla: This is diabolical.
Nick Tortelli: From this day forward, there will be nobody for you but me. You will fall hopelessly in love and follow me to the ends of the earth. Oh, yeah and bring a six-pack. [exits]
Diane: God, the man is insane to think that anyone would be gullible enough to fall for that idiotic nonsense.
[Woody walks after Nick with a six pack of beer]

Nick Tortelli: Good evening, Miss Chambers.
Diane: Nick, you had better be here to tell me that you've given up your quest to win my favor.
Nick Tortelli: Please, Miss Chambers, this is for you and you alone, my sweet. [loud whistle] [violins play "As Time Goes By"]
Diane: God, you've got to be kidding!
Nick Tortelli: In matters of amore, Nick Tortelli never kids. Sit.
Diane: I am not a dog.
Nick Tortelli: Of course you're not. You think I'd spend this kinda dough on an uggo?

Nick Tortelli: Loretta, if I have caused you, uh, any heartache, I want to say I'm sorry. But I really do love you, and I know you love me, and it's crazy for us not to be together. You're the only woman on Earth for me.
Loretta: How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"?
Nick Tortelli: Excuse me?
Loretta: How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"?
Nick Tortelli: You know what a lousy speller I am.
Loretta: Oh, right. But, wait, that's pretty bad. This wasn't for me after all, was it? This was for some girl named Diane!
Nick Tortelli: No!
Loretta: It's no use. We're through forever. [to the band] If you ever need a singer, I'm available for any gig.

Carla: Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Carla! [violins play]
Carla: What's all this?
Nick Tortelli: This is for you, my sweet.
Carla: All this is for me?
Nick Tortelli: Yeah. And if this is not an attempt at reconciliation, uh, I don't know what is.
Carla: This is. [dumps the ice bucket in Nick's lap]
Nick Tortelli: You don't believe me?
Carla: Whose lipstick is on the glass?
Nick Tortelli: What? I'm gonna have the caterer flogged.
Carla: Right, Nick. [to the band] I hope you guys got your money up front.