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‘Spellbound’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Spellbound

515. Spellbound

Aired January 22, 1987

Loretta (Jean Kasem) drowns her sorrows at Cheers after learning that Nick Tortelli (Dan Hedaya) has cheated on her. Meanwhile, Frasier challenges the guys at chess.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Nick, will you give up on me? You and I are an impossibility. The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee. And then to be de-flea'd.

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Quote from Diane

Nick Tortelli: Say the word, blondie, and we can happen.
Diane: I'd rather be the love toy of a Greek army battalion.
Nick Tortelli: Who wouldn't? But dreaming gets you nowhere.

Quote from Diane

Loretta: Oh, Sam, you stood up for me. Nobody's ever done that for me before. [kisses Sam]
Sam: Oh.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, I'm aghast.
Sam: What?
Nick Tortelli: You of all people?! Have you no respect for our blessed union?
Sam: Oh, come on, Nick. There's nothing going on here. I'm not interested in Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, I got one thing to say to you, Sam. Two can play the same game. You took my woman... [looks at Diane] I'm gonna take yours.
Diane: Me? You're taking me? The only thing you should be taking is penicillin.

Quote from Sam

Carla: You know, Sammy, I know you kind of like Diane. But you're gonna have to face it. She's his now.
Sam: Oh, come on, will you stop it? I mean, Nick and Diane, they don't even belong on the same planet. The guy doesn't have any table manners. I mean, he thinks he's God's gift to women. And when was the last time he even picked up a book?
Carla: How's that different from you, Sam?
Sam: All right, there's a big difference... There's a big difference between thinking you're God's gift and knowing it.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: I ran across an interesting fact the other day. You know, if I took a, uh, ride in a spaceship at the speed of light for ten years, when I return, I'd be ten years older, but everybody else here would be 80 years older. Now, do you realize the ramifications of that?
Norm: Yeah, for once you'd be the best player on our softball team.
Cliff: I just can't discuss science with you.
Norm: Cliffie, Cliffie, give me a break.

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Are you, uh, are you going to make a move in our lifetime?
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Frasier: Oh, come on, Norm. Why don't you just give up? You're finished.
Woody: Well, not necessarily. He could move this piece over to here.
Frasier: My God, Woody, that's brilliant. You're suggesting that after two futile interpositions, he attempt to force unobstructed access to the eighth rank.
Woody: Well, no, I'm saying he should take your horsey with his little pointy-headed guy. [Norm makes a move] No, not that one.
Frasier: Too late! Checkmate!
[cackles]

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Good game, Norm. Okay, next victim.
Sam: Well, what's with this obsession with chess here, huh?
Frasier: Oh, it's just a hobby, Sam. You know, uh, relieve the tension.
Sam: Well, I got a better way to relieve tension. Her name's Tawny. You want her number?
Frasier: No, thanks, Sam. I prefer something with a little mental stimulation as well.
Sam: So read to her first.
Frasier: No, thanks. I'll stick to chess. You know, that and fencing were my two outlets during college. Oh, boy, fencing. I haven't had the old epe out in years.
Sam: Boy, that'd make me pretty tense, too.

Quote from Carla

Loretta: Excuse me, Carla, but I caught Nick cheating on me and I've decided to leave him.
Carla: So you finally found out my ex-husband is a jerk. Well, I told you that before you married the bum. I've done my part. [Loretta sobs]
Diane: Carla, don't ignore her in her time of need. Can't you tell when a woman is dying?
Carla: Sure. When the roots start showing. Like that.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Loretta, would you like to talk about it?
Loretta: Not really.
Diane: To come home and find out that a loved one has been unfaithful is a terrible blow. The best therapy is to tell how you feel about it.
Loretta: I'm against it.

Quote from Woody

Frasier: All right, Diane, you've got your catharsis. Now leave the girl alone.
Diane: Well, at least I'm trying to help. You're merely trying to figure out why your king's about to be mated.
Frasier: Oh, my God. Woody, you must be an idiot savant.
Woody: Yeah, but I cover it by smiling a lot.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Come on, Loretta. Don't hold it inside.
Loretta: Well, Nick, who is my husband, has been seeing another woman. I just realized it today when I found blonde hairs on Nick's shirt.
Diane: Loretta, you're a blonde.
Loretta: Sure. Take his side.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Now, what do you say? Will you do it?
Carla: Oh, all right. But only because no living thing should be subjected to a night alone with you.
Diane: That's the spirit.

Quote from Diane

Loretta: Oh, Carla, I still love him.
Carla: Nothing you can do. We're talking about Nick Tortelli. He wants you, you got no choice.
Diane: This is the part I don't get. Here's a man that quicksand would spit up... and yet he has this strange Svengali-like power over you.
Loretta: Oh, yes. From the moment I first saw him, I knew I'd follow him to the ends of the earth.
Diane: Where he's obviously spent a lot of time.

Quote from Diane

Carla: You know, there's, there's something about him. I mean, he knows women. Like a jeweler knows jewels. Like a meat cutter knows meat.
Loretta: Like a marine biologist knows marines. Knowing me as well as I do, I'll probably end up crawling right back to him.
Carla: Yeah, and he'll be there waiting with that cute look on his face and those three little words, "She's my cousin."
Diane: You're not crawling back to him. We're gonna fight this together. You don't need that reptile. You can take care of yourself.
Loretta: But what'll I do?
Diane: Well, you must be good at something.
Loretta: Well... I'm great at singing.
Diane: Okay.
Loretta: In fact, before I married Nick, I was on my way to becoming a taller, blonder, less Mormon Marie Osmond.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Nick Tortelli: Carla!
Carla: Nick.
Nick Tortelli: Long time, no see. You do somethin' to your hair?
Carla: No.
Nick Tortelli: Think about it. [wheezing laughter]
Carla: Nick, be a cannibal. Eat a rat.
Nick Tortelli: The magic is still there, Carla. Whatever happened between us?
Carla: You lied, you cheated, you neglected the kids, you never came home, and you drank too much.
Nick Tortelli: Nah. It'd have to be more than that.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Loretta: Nicky!
Nick Tortelli: Loretta. I've decided to forgive you for bursting in on me and Miss Romero in the shower.
Loretta: I'm sorry, Nicky.
Nick Tortelli: You oughta be. It was very embarrassing. Let's go home.
Loretta: Okay.
Diane: Be strong.
Loretta: I mean... No.
Nick Tortelli: That sounded negative to me.

Quote from Nick Tortelli

Carla: This is great. Nick is gonna cast a love spell on Miss Goody Two Shoes, and I get to watch.
Nick Tortelli: Actually, I'm not gonna make my romantic approach tonight. It's getting too late for that. Ah, yes, goodness look at the time. [swings a pocket watch in front of Diane] Time. Time to lay back. Time to forget your inhibitions.
Carla: This is diabolical.
Nick Tortelli: From this day forward, there will be nobody for you but me. You will fall hopelessly in love and follow me to the ends of the earth. Oh, yeah and bring a six-pack. [exits]
Diane: God, the man is insane to think that anyone would be gullible enough to fall for that idiotic nonsense.
[Woody walks after Nick with a six pack of beer]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Expecting someone, Diane?
Diane: No, not really.
Carla: Sure you are. He's out there somewhere. Waiting.
Diane: I've heard so much about Nick Tortelli's magic, but it's been a week, and I haven't seen any evidence of it.
Carla: Don't you see what he's doing? It's all part of his plan. You know, like when the drums stop in a jungle movie? You sit and wonder what are the natives doing? And then you start to sweat. He's a genius.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Woody, I refuse to continue playing if every time you take one of my pieces, you go... [makes whistling, explosion sounds]
Woody: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane; I thought it added a little bit of excitement to the game.
Frasier: Well, it doesn't! Okay, Woody. You know, I think it's time we took off the gloves. I have allowed you to defeat me several times because I was going easy on you, so as not to crush your natural enthusiasm. But I think it's time you took a giant step toward maturity. There are a great many lessons to be learned in defeat. Chief among them is how to lose gracefully.
Woody: Checkmate.
[Frasier growls as he shoves the chessboard off the table]
Woody: You missed my king.
Frasier: [growling]
Woody: [makes bomb whistling and explosion sounds] Dr. Crane!

Quote from Sam

Carla: You know, Sammy, l, uh, think Nick is getting to you.
Sam: Why? You think I'm worried about this? Are you kidding?
Carla: Uh-huh, well, look at this. You added these receipts all wrong.
Sam: I did not.
Carla: Then you're saying we took in $32 million tonight?
Sam: Well, there was that party of ten in the corner table there.

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