Diane: Nick, will you give up on me? You and I are an impossibility. The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee. And then to be de-flea'd.

Loretta: Oh, Sam, you stood up for me. Nobody's ever done that for me before. [kisses Sam]
Sam: Oh.
Nick Tortelli: Sam, I'm aghast.
Sam: What?
Nick Tortelli: You of all people?! Have you no respect for our blessed union?
Sam: Oh, come on, Nick. There's nothing going on here. I'm not interested in Loretta.
Nick Tortelli: Uh, I got one thing to say to you, Sam. Two can play the same game. You took my woman... [looks at Diane] I'm gonna take yours.
Diane: Me? You're taking me? The only thing you should be taking is penicillin.

Carla: You know, Sammy, I know you kind of like Diane. But you're gonna have to face it. She's his now.
Sam: Oh, come on, will you stop it? I mean, Nick and Diane, they don't even belong on the same planet. The guy doesn't have any table manners. I mean, he thinks he's God's gift to women. And when was the last time he even picked up a book?
Carla: How's that different from you, Sam?
Sam: All right, there's a big difference... There's a big difference between thinking you're God's gift and knowing it.

Nick Tortelli: Say the word, blondie, and we can happen.
Diane: I'd rather be the love toy of a Greek army battalion.
Nick Tortelli: Who wouldn't? But dreaming gets you nowhere.

Cliff: I ran across an interesting fact the other day. You know, if I took a, uh, ride in a spaceship at the speed of light for ten years, when I return, I'd be ten years older, but everybody else here would be 80 years older. Now, do you realize the ramifications of that?
Norm: Yeah, for once you'd be the best player on our softball team.
Cliff: I just can't discuss science with you.
Norm: Cliffie, Cliffie, give me a break.

Frasier: Are you, uh, are you going to make a move in our lifetime?
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Frasier: Oh, come on, Norm. Why don't you just give up? You're finished.
Woody: Well, not necessarily. He could move this piece over to here.
Frasier: My God, Woody, that's brilliant. You're suggesting that after two futile interpositions, he attempt to force unobstructed access to the eighth rank.
Woody: Well, no, I'm saying he should take your horsey with his little pointy-headed guy. [Norm makes a move] No, not that one.
Frasier: Too late! Checkmate!
[cackles]

Frasier: Good game, Norm. Okay, next victim.
Sam: Well, what's with this obsession with chess here, huh?
Frasier: Oh, it's just a hobby, Sam. You know, uh, relieve the tension.
Sam: Well, I got a better way to relieve tension. Her name's Tawny. You want her number?
Frasier: No, thanks, Sam. I prefer something with a little mental stimulation as well.
Sam: So read to her first.
Frasier: No, thanks. I'll stick to chess. You know, that and fencing were my two outlets during college. Oh, boy, fencing. I haven't had the old epe out in years.
Sam: Boy, that'd make me pretty tense, too.

Loretta: Excuse me, Carla, but I caught Nick cheating on me and I've decided to leave him.
Carla: So you finally found out my ex-husband is a jerk. Well, I told you that before you married the bum. I've done my part. [Loretta sobs]
Diane: Carla, don't ignore her in her time of need. Can't you tell when a woman is dying?
Carla: Sure. When the roots start showing. Like that.

Diane: Loretta, would you like to talk about it?
Loretta: Not really.
Diane: To come home and find out that a loved one has been unfaithful is a terrible blow. The best therapy is to tell how you feel about it.
Loretta: I'm against it.

Frasier: All right, Diane, you've got your catharsis. Now leave the girl alone.
Diane: Well, at least I'm trying to help. You're merely trying to figure out why your king's about to be mated.
Frasier: Oh, my God. Woody, you must be an idiot savant.
Woody: Yeah, but I cover it by smiling a lot.