Cliff: Boy, oh, boy. Don't you just love this Yorkshire pudding, Ma? That's a real delicacy.
Esther Clavin: The English didn't think so. Actually, Yorkshire pudding was invented in the late 1770s during a beef shortage. A person could be given a little bit of beef and soak up the gravy with the pudding, thereby fooling his stomach into thinking he was having a fuller dinner than he actually was.
Cliff: And you wonder why nobody asks us out anymore.

Woody: So I guess Mr. Clavin's told you a lot about us, huh?
Esther Clavin: No, actually, Clifford doesn't talk much around the house.
Norm: That Cliff?
Esther Clavin: That's right. Some days, not a peep. Of course, the same thing occurs in nature, too. It's a little-known fact that arctic wolves that remained in the den too long exhibited a tendency to be reticent in their howling.
Norm: Ah.
Esther Clavin: Now, when I read that...

Esther Clavin: Oh, all right. Clifford, we'd be delighted to have you join us for Police Academy tonight.
Cliff: Oh, no, that's okay, Ma. I'm just gonna have a lot of fun right here. I'm as happy as a lark.
Woody: Well, actually, Mr. Clavin, the lark is a very depressed bird. It has one of the highest suicide rates in the entire ornithological kingdom. Interestingly enough, its song is...
Both: more of a dirge.
Cliff: You've been teaching him bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?
Esther Clavin: Woody is the best student I've had, bar none.

Esther Clavin: Hi, there.
Cliff: Ma, what took you so long to get down here?
Esther Clavin: Well, I wanted to look my best for your friends.
Cliff: And this is two hours' worth? Uh, Ma, this is Cheers.
Esther Clavin: Yeah, this is the odor I'm always washing out of your shirts.

Esther Clavin: So, you see, the entire region might more accurately be described as "The Bermuda Rhombus".
Cliff: Well, thanks, Ma.

Esther Clavin: Excuse me. With all due respect, Mr. Carson, you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.
Johnny Carson: You're his mother?
Esther Clavin: Yes. And I want you to tell it again and this time put a little life into it.
Johnny Carson: Audience, can you stand to hear this joke again? [applause] Doc is so old...
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groaning]
Esther Clavin: No, no, now tell it again and this time hit the word "have." And it wouldn't kill you to turn on the applause sign.
Johnny Carson: Hit, hit, hit the word "have"?
Esther Clavin: Have.
Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [cheering and applause]
Esther Clavin: You see, they heard that joke three times and they still laughed. Now, don't tell me my son doesn't know comedy.
Johnny Carson: You- You're a pretty funny lady yourself. Would you like to come down and join me?
Esther Clavin: Ooh, I'd love that. [cheering and applause] Here, hold my purse. Oh, this is so exciting. [giggles]

Esther Clavin: [to Duncan] Oh, what lovely buttons. Did you know that buttons on a man's jacket sleeve have absolutely no purpose? They originated on the uniforms of Napoleon's army when he discovered that his soldiers were using their sleeves to wipe their noses.
Cliff: [to the guys] Oh, she's gonna flap her gums all the way to the poorhouse.

Esther Clavin: Oh, well. Life goes on. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm not the type that good things happen to.
Cliff: Well, I don't know, Ma. I mean, there was, uh, one good thing that happened to you about, uh, well, 37 years ago.
Esther Clavin: There certainly was. Not many women get to shake hands with Bing Crosby.
Cliff: [clears thorat] Well, there you are, huh?
Esther Clavin: Oh, Cliff, you know I mean you. You're my pride and joy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Gee, think of that.

Cliff: So, uh, Ma, what made you decide to blow into town all of a sudden?
Esther Clavin: Well, you know how much I enjoy the historically rich sport of dog racing.
Cliff: Who doesn't?
Esther Clavin: It turned out I enjoyed it a bit too much last Friday, and, uh, let's just say I owe some people some money.
Norm: Whoops.
Esther Clavin: Well, the dog I put all my money on, apparently had a parasitic condition. He scooted the last 75 yards. He got the most laughs, but they don't pay on laughs.

Woody: Thanks for giving me a lift, Ma Clavin.
Esther Clavin: My pleasure, Woody. Here's your lunch. I cut the grapes in half, but should one lodge in your esophagus, remember the international sign for choking is this.
Cliff: Uh, how come you never taught me that, Ma?
Esther Clavin: Oh, Clifford. With that windpipe of yours, it would take a knockwurst to cut off your air.