Cliff: I know what you're trying to do, Ma, and it's not going to work. You're trying to make me jealous. Huh. Well, I'm not going to be asking you to move back in with me. Don't you worry. I know your wily ways. You see, you're forgetting, I am a graduate student of the Esther Clavin School of Emotional Blackmail.
Esther Clavin: Well, that, and a nickel will get you a civil service job.
Cliff: Back off, Ma.
Esther Clavin: Clifford, I'm not trying to get you jealous. I don't have to. I found a wonderful companion in Woody. He's like the son I never had.
Cliff: Well, what about me?
Esther Clavin: You are the son I did have.

Esther Clavin: Well, is there room for me in that singles' paradise of yours?
Cliff: I'll, I'll make room.
Woody: Well, I made room for you, Mother Clavin.
Cliff: I'll make room in your face!
Esther Clavin: No, no, no, no. Now, now, boys, let's not get into a Cain and Abel situation here. I can love you both for different reasons. Woody, I can love you because you're generous and kind and strong. And Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother, and nature dictates there be a bond.

Esther Clavin: Now, boys, I've got plenty of love for both, and Lord knows I've got plenty of shelf paper. I'll tell you what, let's get cracking. We can do both of your apartments before dark.
Cliff: Got to do mine first.
Woody: Not if I get to the car first.
Cliff: Yeah, well, you're not going to do that until you beat me.
Woody: I can.
Cliff: No, you can't!
Esther Clavin: Boys, watch out for the hole! [Woody and Cliff yelling] [loud crash] Yes, they are my children all right. Both dumb as dishwater.

Cliff: Ma, you know, this is all happening so fast. I mean, here I am going to marry Margaret, I don't even remember proposing.
Esther Clavin: No. If we waited for you to propose, I'd never be a grandmother.
Cliff: What are you talking about?
Esther Clavin: Oh, dear. I was afraid of this. I think we'd better have a little talk. Woody! Two whiskeys, and leave the bottle.
Esther Clavin: Now, I don't want you to think that I'm looking forward to this but with your father out of the picture [breathes deeply], it's one of those crosses I'm going to have to bear, along with many others. Now, when a man and woman love each other very much, they share a very special kind of hug. [drinks] Ooh... ah!
Cliff: Ma, look, you don't have to tell me all this stuff. I already know.
Esther Clavin: All right, who's the dirty mouth who's been telling my son these things?
Norm: [raises his hand] Only, um... Only I used a different word for "hug."
Esther Clavin: Here's a pamphlet to fill in the many gaps left by lover-boy over there. Read it. Read it before your wedding night.
Cliff: "Howard's New Feelings".

Cliff: Well, here we are. Oh, Ma! Look at this! Even better than the picture in the brochure.
Esther Clavin: Yes, I expect I'll be perfectly delighted once I stop weeping and feeling carsick.
Cliff: Aw, come on, Ma, the ride wasn't that bad.
Esther Clavin: You drive too fast. All young people do. I've often said, "A lot of needless accidents could be avoided if they'd just raise the legal driving age to 50."

Esther Clavin: Oh I understand, Clifford. If this is the woman you've chosen to take my place I guess the only thing for me to do is die.
Cliff: Ma, what are you doing?
Esther Clavin: I'm dying.
Cliff: You're not dying. Will you stop it? Come on.
Esther Clavin: No need to take me to the graveyard, Clifford. Just set me next to your tubby friend there. And when I start to bloat, just toss me in the Dumpster.
Norm: Thanks for bringing your ma by.
Esther Clavin: It's the way I want to go, alone in a bar without my son. Anyone who is blood-type O is welcome to my organs. I don't recommend the heart. It's been broken. What's that, Grandma? Come toward the light?

Esther Clavin: Oh, I'd forgotten this one. This has got to be the handsomest picture of you I ever laid eyes on.
Cliff: Which? Oh, Ma, come on. My ears are even covered with acne.
Esther Clavin: I'm your mother, Clifford. I'm looking at your soul.
Cliff: Ah, there's me sliding down the old banister.
Esther Clavin: I always thought you spent entirely too much time doing that.
Cliff: Eh. Eh, it was fun.

Margaret: Command of trivia is one of the things that attracted me to Cliff. Uh, that and his manners.
Esther Clavin: Good heavens. His what?
Margaret: His manners.
Esther Clavin: Oh, my dear, I thought you said his manhood.

Esther Clavin: Anyway, it gives me a chance to catch up with my little boy. I'm looking forward to seeing what you're doing with your life and how we can go about fixing it.
Cliff: l, uh, appreciate the thought, Ma, but, I don't have anything that needs fixing. See, l, uh, I've got a new lifestyle. l, uh, I like it.
Esther Clavin: Clifford, is it really a new lifestyle, or is it just an excuse to walk around your apartment half naked?
Cliff: It's, uh, not an either-or situation, Ma.
Esther Clavin: [mouths to Norm] Naked.

Esther Clavin: I suppose there's no room in this playboy pad of yours for somebody's mother?
Cliff: Thank you for, uh, being so understanding, Ma.
Esther Clavin: Oh. Well, I certainly don't want to be a burden to you, Clifford. Lord knows you weren't a burden to me when I was in labor with you for 72 hours.
Norm: Whoa. 72 hours?
Esther Clavin: He had those wide hips.