Esther Clavin: Oh, all right. Clifford, we'd be delighted to have you join us for Police Academy tonight.
Cliff: Oh, no, that's okay, Ma. I'm just gonna have a lot of fun right here. I'm as happy as a lark.
Woody: Well, actually, Mr. Clavin, the lark is a very depressed bird. It has one of the highest suicide rates in the entire ornithological kingdom. Interestingly enough, its song is...
Both: more of a dirge.
Cliff: You've been teaching him bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?
Esther Clavin: Woody is the best student I've had, bar none.

Cliff: Well, that was Ma. Her flight got in a little bit early, and, uh, she'll be by as soon as she grabs a cab.
Norm: Your mom's in town?
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: Why don't you go pick her up?
Cliff: Oh, Normie, that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. You know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. Well, she can just forget it, I tell you. She's not gonna be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s, no, sirree, sir. No, no. I'm a new Cliff Clavin, new man. Oh, hey, yeah, I'd be happy to see her. I'd take her out to dinner, give her a perm, but that's about it.
Woody: I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your mom a lot.
Norm: A whole lot.
Frasier: Too much to be healthy, really.

Rebecca: No, you see Sam, no, no, you made me the manager. You gave me the authority to handle these problems. So let me just do it my own way.
Sam: Okay, Manager, what are you gonna do?
Rebecca: Well, I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.
Sam: Oh, you've got to be kidding. What are you gonna do, bust a hole in my wall?
Norm: Well, actually, Sam, you know that window, the leaded stained glass window is in a single wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out fairly easily with a crowbar. I think the opening's like four by eight, which is perfectly good for a standard entrance. You build a little staircase and you've got yourself a nice little doorway.
Sam: Well, you've put a lot of thought into this.
Norm: It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire and build a little apartment back there.

Cliff: So, uh, Ma, what made you decide to blow into town all of a sudden?
Esther Clavin: Well, you know how much I enjoy the historically rich sport of dog racing.
Cliff: Who doesn't?
Esther Clavin: It turned out I enjoyed it a bit too much last Friday, and, uh, let's just say I owe some people some money.
Norm: Whoops.
Esther Clavin: Well, the dog I put all my money on, apparently had a parasitic condition. He scooted the last 75 yards. He got the most laughs, but they don't pay on laughs.

Woody: Thanks for giving me a lift, Ma Clavin.
Esther Clavin: My pleasure, Woody. Here's your lunch. I cut the grapes in half, but should one lodge in your esophagus, remember the international sign for choking is this.
Cliff: Uh, how come you never taught me that, Ma?
Esther Clavin: Oh, Clifford. With that windpipe of yours, it would take a knockwurst to cut off your air.

Cliff: I know what you're trying to do, Ma, and it's not going to work. You're trying to make me jealous. Huh. Well, I'm not going to be asking you to move back in with me. Don't you worry. I know your wily ways. You see, you're forgetting, I am a graduate student of the Esther Clavin School of Emotional Blackmail.
Esther Clavin: Well, that, and a nickel will get you a civil service job.
Cliff: Back off, Ma.
Esther Clavin: Clifford, I'm not trying to get you jealous. I don't have to. I found a wonderful companion in Woody. He's like the son I never had.
Cliff: Well, what about me?
Esther Clavin: You are the son I did have.

Esther Clavin: Well, is there room for me in that singles' paradise of yours?
Cliff: I'll, I'll make room.
Woody: Well, I made room for you, Mother Clavin.
Cliff: I'll make room in your face!
Esther Clavin: No, no, no, no. Now, now, boys, let's not get into a Cain and Abel situation here. I can love you both for different reasons. Woody, I can love you because you're generous and kind and strong. And Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother, and nature dictates there be a bond.

Esther Clavin: Now, boys, I've got plenty of love for both, and Lord knows I've got plenty of shelf paper. I'll tell you what, let's get cracking. We can do both of your apartments before dark.
Cliff: Got to do mine first.
Woody: Not if I get to the car first.
Cliff: Yeah, well, you're not going to do that until you beat me.
Woody: I can.
Cliff: No, you can't!
Esther Clavin: Boys, watch out for the hole! [Woody and Cliff yelling] [loud crash] Yes, they are my children all right. Both dumb as dishwater.

Woody: You can stay with me.
Esther Clavin: Are you sure you don't have a lifestyle I'd be intruding on?
Woody: Not that I know of.
Esther Clavin: Well, then I'd be glad to. What's your name?
Woody: Woody.
Esther Clavin: Woody. Oh, that's the name of a boy whose mother raised him right.
Woody: Really? 'Cause I looked it up and all I could find was "treelike."

Sam: Boy, you really are wedged in there.
Frasier: Is that Norm? Geez, you know, I didn't recognize you without the bar stool attached. [laughs]