Esther Clavin: Shall I make a general announcement?
Margaret: Oh, well, shouldn't we wait for Cliff to get back from the restroom?
Esther Clavin: Oh, let's not hurry him. That's his alone time. [spoon rapping glass] Everybody, I have an announcement to make. This beautiful, young lady, Margaret Catherine O'Keefe, has agreed to become my daughter-in-law.
Cliff: Hey, what's going on?
Esther Clavin: Why, your wedding, Clifford.
Cliff: Uh, beg your pardon?
Margaret: Isn't this great?! I'm going to be the next Mrs. Clavin!
Esther Clavin: He has the same look he had when he took me to the prom.

Esther Clavin: Well, let's get busy. We have so much to do. We have to shop for a dress and get a marriage license. Oh, and the bakery! We're going to have a great big chocolate wedding cake.
Cliff: Whoa! Hold on there, Ma. You know, I'm allergic to chocolate, don't forget.
Esther Clavin: Then you may have graham crackers.
Cliff: [excited] Really?

Esther Clavin: Norman, I want to thank you.
Norm: For what?
Esther Clavin: Well, I know Clifford doesn't have many friends. I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him and you were the only one who showed up.
Norm: Yeah. Where were you, anyway?
Esther Clavin: I just forgot.

Johnny Carson: [on TV] Esther, how did your son get this joke on in the first place?
Esther Clavin: [on TV] A friend of Clifford's arranged that. In fact he's here tonight. Norman, come on down, and bring my purse. [applause and cheering over television]
[Back in the bar, as everyone watches the TV with mouths agape, Carla drops a tray of glasses]

Sam: [wearily] I'm so sorry to come so late like this, Cliff. It's just that I'm so very, very exhausted. Oh, thank you! You know, with the key and everything?
Esther Clavin: No apologies needed, young man. You poor thing. So cold and no muffler! You could have caught your death.
Sam: Oh!
Cliff: Yeah, you're always welcome here, Sammy. You should know that, buddy.
Sam: Oh, Cliffie, man, you're the best. And you, too, Mrs. Clavin.
Esther Clavin: Oh, what a dear. Now, I'll bet you're anxious to get some sleep.
Sam: [giddily] Oh, yeah! Yeah! Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Cliff: Good. Well, that's a pretty comfy bed there, isn't it, Sammy, huh? [takes off robe]
Sam: Am I sharing the same bed with Cliff?
Esther Clavin: Well, of course, silly. You didn't expect to sleep with me! [laughs]

Esther Clavin: Oh, I almost forgot. Clifford, wake your friend for prayers.
Cliff: Oh! Sam, Sam, wake up.
Sam: Huh? Oh, yeah.
Esther Clavin: Dear Lord, bless Clifford and me, unworthy wretches that we are. Bless the postal system and keep it from harm, by helping it to detect the real loonies. Bless our friends, and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight. Bless the late Mr. Clavin. I know he's not in your vicinity, but rather roasting in hell, on a spit- on a spit reserved for those who desert their families. Amen.
Cliff: Amen.
Esther Clavin: Sam? Hmm? Is there anyone special you would like the Lord to remember?
Sam: No, not particularly.
Esther Clavin: Well, don't be surprised if he doesn't remember you.

Sam: Oh, please, please. Can't we just go to sleep? I'm so very tired. Please!
Cliff: Great, Ma, you made my friend mad. Any wonder I don't have anybody over? Any wonder I don't have any friends?
Esther Clavin: Oh, you don't have friends because of me? Me who spent 36 hours of the most painful labor the hospital had ever seen?
Cliff: There she goes.
Esther Clavin: If you think you're better off without me, you're welcome to live by yourself. Just see how long you can last.
Cliff: Fine!
Esther Clavin: A day. I give it a day. And that's during daylight hours. Night falls and it's, "Where's my mommy?" Cliff: Oh! Oh, is that right? Well, let me tell you, missy, that it takes two to be codependent!
Esther Clavin: You're the enabler! You're the enabler!
Cliff: Oh! I'm the enabler am I tonight, huh? Like last night and the night before?! Well, you know why I'm the enabler?! Because you demand it!
Esther Clavin: Everything I do is wrong! Is that it, Clifford?!
Cliff: Oh, Ma, I'm sorry. Oh, now, don't be upset. I just, I just push too hard.
Esther Clavin: No, I'm too domineering.
Cliff: Oh, Ma, Ma, it's me. l, you know, Ma, it's me. Sam.
Sam: Hmm?
Esther Clavin: Sam, which one of us is worse?

Cliff: Well, I was just in a hurry to get you to this beautiful retirement community.
Esther Clavin: I'll say.
Cliff: Talk about luxury, huh? Oh! That bed, that's... That's practically king-sized.
Esther Clavin: King Richard III, wasn't he the dwarf?
Cliff: Oh, what do we got here? Whoa, look at this, Ma! You've got a beautiful view of the woods here. Boy, oh, boy. You know, when I see a place like this, I... I almost wish I was retired.
Esther Clavin: Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, but don't worry, your insurance policies will cover it.
Esther Clavin: Oh, that's convenient. You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.

Esther Clavin: [crying]
Cliff: Ma, will you stop that?
Esther Clavin: All right, good-bye. [sobs]
Cliff: Ma!
Esther Clavin: What? I'm just standing here.
Cliff: You're making those noises.
Esther Clavin: I don't hear any noises. It must be your guilty conscience. You run along. I expect they'll be here any minute to prep me for my lobotomy.
Cliff: Ma, you're not going to make me feel guilty. Now, I'm gonna leave, and I'll see you next visitors' day.
Esther Clavin: Bring cigarettes. They're money in these places, you know.

Cliff: Normie, I'm sinkin' fast.
Norm: Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you two share a war together?
Cliff: Hey, yeah. That's, that's right. Uh, Ma, where were you during the big one?
Esther Clavin: Clifford, you know I was in New York. I worked at the USO on 42nd Street. I was in charge of table games.
Duncan: Universal checker championships, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9:00 p.m.
Esther Clavin: Oh, my goodness! Ladies red, gentlemen black.
Duncan: Right.
Esther Clavin: Your host
Both: Bobby Holloway.