Woody: Well, let's get you settled in, huh, Mrs. Cla-
Cliff: No, no, hey, hey, Woody, my mother doesn't want to impose on anybody.
Esther Clavin: Oh, suddenly he's an expert on my desires. I certainly do want to stay with Woody. I like him. He's sweet and thoughtful, and look at those nice, narrow hips. I'll bet you shot out like a bullet.

Sam: So, uh, what'd your ma say when you told her?
Cliff: Well, I'm gonna break it to her this afternoon. See, I came up with this great idea. I'm gonna tell her in a public place where I'm surrounded by my friends, you see? Then she'll have to control herself and she won't embarrass me.
Esther Clavin: [enters] Clifford, for the hundredth time, if you want to use my shower cap in the morning, will you put it back where you found it? Perhaps as a reminder, you'd like to wear it for the rest of the day?
Frasier: You know, suddenly I see Cliff as heroically well-adjusted.

Esther Clavin: Oh, I haven't looked at these in ages.
Margaret: Is that Cliff?
Esther Clavin: Oh, my, no. That's Clifford's father. You see where Clifford got his wide bottom.
Margaret: Mm. I've always wondered.
Esther Clavin: When Clifford was a baby, we'd set him down and gently push him over. And wouldn't you know, he'd pop right back up just like, just like one of those inflatable clowns!

Esther Clavin: I couldn't help noticing, dear, that all the wedding dresses you favored were pure white. Can I assume that's appropriate?
Margaret: Well, here we are!
Esther Clavin: All right. Message received. None of my business.

Cliff: Oh, come on, Ma. You know I'm just doing what's best for you. [groans] Come on, Ma. We've both got to be strong about this.
Esther Clavin: I suppose you're right.
Cliff: Well, you're darned tootin', I'm right. I mean, you're gonna have a lot of fun here, Ma. The brochure says the day's crammed with activities. You'll play bingo to your heart's content. You'll make new friends. These are your golden years.
Esther Clavin: Oh, bless your heart. You've given me what every mother dreams of... a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers.
Cliff: Ma, come on. We're, we're gonna be strong, remember? Now, is there anything you need?
Esther Clavin: Well, you could keep my garden up. I think there are a couple of bags left of that steer manure you gave me last Mothers' Day.

Esther Clavin: Hello, Clifford.
Cliff: Hey, Ma! Hey, look. Come on here. Ah.
Esther Clavin: My, everybody has filled out nicely.
Frasier: Well, say, Mrs. Clavin, if you don't mind my asking, uh, how did you, happen to negotiate that hole up at the top of the stairs?
Esther Clavin: Oh, I just hiked up my skirt and hopped across. No big deal. Although those construction boys told me some jackass actually fell in. Can you believe that?
Frasier: [laughs] I'm a boob. I'm a big, fat boob.

Woody: I'll be home at 7:00.
Esther Clavin: Don't be late. I'm stopping at the video store to pick up the rest of the Police Academy cycle. Oh, I love that handsome, young African American who makes those funny noises with his mouth.
Cliff: [chuckles] Yeah, he's a hoot, isn't he?
Esther Clavin: Yes, he is. And you can tell by watching him he's very respectful to his mother.

Cliff: Listen, I've got some, uh, lunch reservations up there at Melville's for, uh, me and my gals. What do you say?
Esther Clavin: Oh, I get to have lunch, and then it's off to the ice floe.
Margaret: Oh, you must be referring to the custom of the Inuit people, where they set their golden-agers on an ice floe to die.
Esther Clavin: How did you know that?
Margaret: Oh, I love trivia.
Esther Clavin: Good answer.

Cliff: Well, look who's here. Ma, I'd like you to meet a dear, dear, old, very close friend of mine. Mr. Fitzgerald, this is my ma, Esther Clavin.
Duncan: Nice to meet you.
Cliff: Duncan here's originally from Michigan, Ma.
Esther Clavin: Oh.
Cliff: Here, have a seat. Yeah, my ma's been to your home state.
Duncan: Oh, really?
Esther Clavin: No, I've been to Maine and Montana, but not Michigan.
Cliff: [forced laugh] Isn't that fascinating, huh?
Esther Clavin: Perhaps, if you live in a cave.
Cliff: [laughs] Isn't she a firecracker?

Sam: Uh, say, Mrs. Clavin, uh, did you know that Fitz over there invented a technical gizmo on jet airplanes?
Esther Clavin: Oh, really?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, what a coincidence, huh, Ma? You've, uh, you've ridden in jet planes before, haven't you?
Esther Clavin: No, I walked to Montana.