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‘Peterson Crusoe’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Peterson Crusoe

311. Peterson Crusoe

Aired December 13, 1984

After a health scare, Norm quits his new job and announces he's moving to Bora Bora. Meanwhile, Carla and Diane compete for tips.

Quote from Coach

Diane: You know, it took a great deal of courage for Norman to do what he did. I admire and envy him. He has heeded Thoreau who admonished us that, quote, "Life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify."
Coach: Why didn't he just say one 'simplify'?

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Quote from Coach

Coach: Norm, do you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream? I wanted to play baseball and maybe coach a little, you know. And then afterwards tend a bar in a nice place. And look what happened to me.
Sam: Coach, that's exactly what happened to you.
Coach: Oh, yeah. No wonder I'm such a happy guy.
Sam: Good try, Coach, good try.

Quote from Norm

[Norm enters Cheers with a small bird perched on his finger]
Norm: This is that bar that I was telling you about. These people sit in here night after night, wasting their lives away. But, no, don't hate them. Pity them, as I do. You see, they're chained here, unable to soar free like you and me. [goes outside] Soar, little guy, soar.
Sam: You want to sit down and have a beer or something?
Norm: Oh, no. No time for that. I just stopped in to say goodbye. You see, I'm sailing for Bora Bora.
Sam: Bora Bora?
Norm: Yeah. Ever since I was a boy, the South Pacific has been calling, "Come to me, Norm. This is where you belong." I've always ignored that call, till now. So I'm going to go to the beach and build a hut, send for Vera, and live there the rest of our lives.
Sam: Isn't that nice?
Norm: Yeah, I booked passage on one of those cargo ships where you just work light duties. We shove off at midnight, so...

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Norm, has any of this helped you?
Norm: [o.s.] Yeah, I'm doing a jig in here, Sam. Go away!
Cliff: All right, Sammy, clear the decks. It's up to me. Normie, it's your best buddy.
Norm: [o.s.] Go away, Frank.
Cliff: Even in pain he can make us smile. Norm? You know it's Cliffie. And l, too, once had a dream, Norm. No, more than a dream, really. It was an all-consuming passion. I wanted to be a trapeze artist.
Sam: Trapeze artist? Like in a circus?
Cliff: No, like in your finer restaurants, Sam. When I was a lad I went to see the movie Trapeze with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis.
Coach: No kidding, Cliffie. Did you sit between them?
Cliff: I must have seen it 20 times. I always imagined myself up there with them, high above the center ring. The spotlight shines upon me, sweat glistens from my body. Below me, the women's eyes glaze over with lust, the men grind their teeth with envy. I lunge at the bar with almost an insane daring. Flying through the air completing, one, two, three, oh, my God, four somersaults. The first quadruple in the history of the big top, Norm! But, I became a postal carrier and the rest is history. No, Norm, having a dream isn't stupid. It's not having them that's stupid.
Carla: What's stupid is the picture of you in one of those outfits. [all laugh]

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Trust me. These people are your friends, man. Just listen.
Cliff: Another toast. To Paul Gauguin, Robert Louis Stevenson and Norm Peterson. Three men cut from the same cloth, only they had to use a few more yards for our pal Norm.

Quote from Cliff

Carla: Did you find Norm?
Cliff: Yeah, boy, is he weirding out.
Sam: What do you mean?
Cliff: Well, by the time I caught up to him, he was sitting in the middle of a garden. He said he wanted to smell the roses.
Diane: Well, I don't think that's weird.
Cliff: Yeah, it was a vegetable garden.
Diane: That's weird.
Cliff: Yeah. Yeah, I mentioned it to him. He said, "So I want to smell the squash. Leave me alone." Then he got up and wandered on down towards the pier. I shudder to think what he wants to smell down there.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Hey, hey, hey. Stop laughing at my pal here, all right? This man had the only dream that was more ridiculous than mine.
Cliff: Oh, yeah?
Norm: A lot more, I might add.
Cliff: Is that right, Marco Rollo?
Norm: I've got to buy a drink here for the great Cliffini.
Cliff: Oh, the next round is on me for Ferdinand Magelly-belly.
Norm: Listen to the Flying Rear-enda here.
Cliff: Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Quote from Coach

Diane: I challenge you to a waitressing contest. Whoever gets the most tips between now and closing time wins.
Carla: You're on, sucker. I'll even give you a ten buck head start.
Diane: That's an insult! And thank you. We'll need a judge to make sure this contest is conducted on the up and up.
Carla: It's Sam's bar, we'll let him be judge.
Sam: Oh, ladies, I'm honored, but don't you think it would be better to find someone who gives a rat's behind?
Coach: Well, I do, make me the judge.
Diane: Oh, we couldn't have a more impartial judge.
Coach: Well, thank you, Diane. Now, if either one of you suspects any wrongdoing, you come to me and I'll make an immediate and final decision.
Carla: Do we have any appeal?
Coach: Well, I think you're both cute as a button, but that's not going to affect my decision.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Oh, oh, get ready for the good times. The big guy doth approach.
Norm: [enters slowly] [weakly] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm?
Diane: Norman?
Sam: Why don't you sit down, Norm?
[Norm sits down on the spot in front of the door]
Sam: What's the problem?
Norm: You know that job I landed over in Braintree? I had to take a company physical this afternoon and apparently there was something on the chest X-ray.
Coach: Something bad, Normie?
Norm: No, a happy face. Sorry, Coach. Yes, something bad. A spot of some sort. They sent it over to a specialist to take a look.
Sam: Well, now, come on, Norm, these things happen sometimes and they turn out to be nothing, They just come to nothing.
Norm: Yeah, we all come to nothing, Sam. I'm just going to get there a little sooner.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Norman, you're jumping to conclusions. Now stop being so morbid.
Norm: Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
Diane: Well, you've got all of us, your friends. And we're going to be with you all the way through this.
Sam: You bet.
Coach: You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane? I'm not saying I won't do it!
Diane: I'll explain it later, Coach.
Coach: Everybody says, "l'll explain it later."

Quote from Norm

Carla: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi. Yeah. Norm, it's Vera. She says she needs to talk to you right away.
Norm: She's heard from the doctor. [takes the phone] Hi, honey. Yeah, that's what I figured. So what did he say?
Oh!
All: Ohhh!
Norm: Ohhhh! That's the greatest news. I can't believe it. Yes, you're right, we do have something to celebrate. So what are you going to do? Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds good. No, I don't know what I'll do, but I can't think about it right now, I have a lot of other things on my mind. Yeah, I'll talk to you later, honey. [hangs up] A flaw on the X-ray. [all sigh]
Cliff: Oh, let me buy you a drink, Normie.
Norm: No, no, no, not right now, Cliff. Right now I think I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't paid attention to lately... Norm Peterson.
Diane: I think I understand.
Coach: Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Coach, a twenty dollar tip. [Carla gasps]
Coach: That's it! Diane wins it!
Diane: Really? [screams] This is so exciting!
Sam: Yeah, who's going to sleep tonight?
Diane: [to Carla] Oh, don't hurt me! I didn't mean to gloat, Carla. I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me.
Carla: I just wanted to shake your hand, but if you don't want to shake my hand, I'll just say congratulations.
Diane: Sometimes there is no pleasure in conquest.
Sam: Yeah, I haven't forgotten our first night together either.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Norman, wait a minute. What about a passport? What about shots?
Norm: Well, I already have my passport. And believe it not, you don't need any shots for Bora Bora, there's no disease there.
Carla: Lunacy is on its way.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Norm? What about that great new job you got, huh?
Norm: Oh, right. I should really call that guy, shouldn't l?
Cliff: Sammy, you see what he's doing, right? The old jokemeister, just tugging at our ankles? Hold onto your socks, kids, here he goes.
Norm: [on the phone] Hi, Mr. Feldman, sir? Hi, Norm Peterson here. Oh, awfully sorry to wake you, sir. You see, I just wanted to call in to let you know, I'm not coming to work tomorrow. I'm sailing to Bora Bora and going to live in a hut. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am in a bar. Oh, no, no, no, my head's quite clear, sir. I'm quitting. Yes, I realize I'm burning my bridges here, sir, but there's no hard feelings on this end. As a matter of fact, if you're ever in Bora Bora, stop on by the old Peterson hut and we'll share a cup of grog, sir. Maybe I'll take you out... Right, I realize it's late, sir. Very sorry. [hangs up] I pity that man. [removes tie and jacket] Sammy, I want you to give these to some poor soul who may need them.

Quote from Sam

Man: Here you are, miss. The service was excellent.
Carla: Oh, that was nothing. You should have seen me in the old days. I was something then. I'm telling you, people would come from miles away to see me schlep drinks. That was before... The Troubles.
Diane: [to Sam] She should be over this by now, it's been weeks. I robbed her zest for life.
Sam: You do have that effect on people.

Quote from Sam

Coach: Sam, we got another letter from Normie.
Sam: Oh, good. Good, good, good. Another Norm letter here, everybody. Okay, let me see here. Well, he says he's found the beach he was looking for and he's built a hut. Wait, listen to this, "l'll send for Vera when I've built hers, ha ha! Whoops, I've lost my hammer, ha ha!" He put the "ha ha's" in.
Carla: Good thing.
Sam: "Every morning, a native girl leaves a coconut outside my door. l'm a little shaky on the local tribal customs, so either we're married or I'm going to be sacrificed next Tuesday, ha ha!"
Coach: Boy, he sure knows where to put those "ha ha's".
Sam: "Parahe, or goodbye. Norm."

Quote from Carla

Carla: Two Scotch rocks, Coach. No hurry. I'll wait till the good waitress gets her order.
Diane: Carla, you are the better waitress. It's been proven time and time again. What does it matter who won that meaningless contest?
Carla: It matters.
Diane: Well, what would it take to make you feel better?
Carla: Hearing you admit that you cheated.
Diane: Carla, I didn't cheat.
Carla: Would it kill you to say you did?
Diane: I did not cheat.
Carla: Two words to restore my will to live. It doesn't seem like that much to ask.
Diane: OK, Carla, I cheated.
Carla: You cheated?! Why? That contest meant that much to you? You are a very sick woman. Does anybody in this bar realize how sick this woman is? She cheated on that silly little contest.
Diane: I did not cheat!
Carla: First she says she cheated, then she says she didn't cheat. Now, what are we supposed to believe? Pfft.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Evening, Sammy.
Sam: Hey, Norm. Norm?! Why aren't you in Bora Bora?
Norm: Funniest thing. I chickened out, just like everybody said I would. Never even got on the damn boat. [laughs] These are getting stale, though. Do you have any beer nuts in here?
Sam: You... You've been hiding in here?
Norm: Just for a week.
Sam: Why?
Norm: You kidding? I made such a flaming jackass out of myself, I'd be a laughing stock if I went out there.
Sam: So you plan to stay in here forever?
Norm: Yeah, is that a problem? Because the way I figure it, Sam, you can just let me in in the morning when you come to work, and then, at night, when everyone's gone home, just let me out.
Sam: Just like I always did.
Norm: "Just like I always did." You! Ha ha, no. You get a bar stool, right? You set it up right nice and close like this. Every now and then you slip me a beer. Come on, it'll be just like it used to be! Come on.

Quote from Norm

Sam: I know how you feel, man. You had this wild, crazy dream, and you announced it to everybody, and you didn't live up to it. But these people love you. They're your friends. They don't care. Come on.
Norm: All right, all right. It probably meant more to me than it does to them anyway.
Sam: Maybe you ought to... [Norm removes his hat as Sam opens the office door]
Cliff: A toast to the man who South Pacific natives are probably calling the Great Tanned Beast. An inspiration to us all, Norm Peterson! [cheers]
Sam: The sofa opens out into a bed there, and...
Norm: And laundry day is?
Sam: Tuesday.
Norm: Tuesday.

Quote from Diane

Sam: He's afraid that you are going to laugh at him because he chickened out.
Diane: Norman? Everyone has had a dream that they let slip away.
Norm: [o.s.] Yeah, but not one everyone knew about.
Diane: Would you like to know about mine?
Norm: [o.s.] Not particularly. No.
Diane: When I was a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. I had... [the guys sigh] I had years of private lessons, but when the time finally came to audition for the Julliard School, with my first step I fell down and bloodied my nose. And before I could do anything else, they politely said, "Thank you very much." And I never heard from them again.
Norm: [o.s.] Thank you very much.

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