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‘Diane's Allergy’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Diane's Allergy

310. Diane's Allergy

Aired December 6, 1984

After Diane moves in with Frasier, she insists she is allergic to his dog, but Sam and Frasier suspect a psychosomatic reason for her symptoms. Meanwhile, Carla is treated to an array of gag gifts on her birthday.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: So, Sam, listen. Fill me in. I'm hungry for news of little Pavlov.
Sam: Pavlov? Oh, you must mean little Diane.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Sam: Yeah, I renamed the puppy Diane. I figured you wouldn't mind. I mean, it's my puppy now. Yeah, well, I tell you, it's so wonderful. I come home, she gives me any trouble, I swat her on the rear end and say, "Shut up, Diane." And she does. It's heaven.
Frasier: Sam, I have to be honest with you, changing the dog's name hurts me a little. Don't you think two Dianes will be confusing?
Sam: Well, maybe you're right. Well, we'll just have to call your girlfriend Pavlov.

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Quote from Diane

Diane: Well, she's very sweet, obviously, but I'm a cat person. I obviously have some kind of an allergy to dogs.
Sam: Are you sure it's the dog?
Diane: Well, what else could it be?
Sam: You've been around that dog before. I mean, you must have. You know, moving in with Frasier is a big commitment. I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.
Diane: Oh, Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who has to write L and R on the bottom of his shoes.

Quote from Diane

Sam: So does that mean you agree with me or not?
Diane: Don't be ridiculous.
Sam: Gee, you know, I just had this thought. Could it possibly be that you still love somebody from your past?
Diane: You?
Sam: Well, not necessarily. It could have been Sumner or anybody, for that matter, but isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?
Diane: No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Maybe on some subconscious level, you don't want to be living with me.
Diane: Frasier, it's the dog. I keep telling you. [voice changes] It's the dog!
Frasier: The voice. Diane, the damn dog is gone. She's halfway across the city! I don't want to go on putting you through all this.
Diane: Frasier, we've made a commitment here.
Frasier: Obviously you're not ready yet for this kind of commitment. Perhaps some day you will be. Perhaps not. We'll just have to wait and see.
Diane: No, I'm going to make this work.
Frasier: Diane, please, don't hold on to this for me. I love you. But I think your health is more important.
Diane: Maybe you're right.
Frasier: I'm sure I'm right. Now, listen. Go and gargle and spray your throat. Use your inhaler, take your antihistamine and put your nose drops in. Use whatever else you find in that pharmacy you call a purse.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I want my doggy back!
Sam: Frasier, I've grown accustomed to the old girl.
Frasier: Well, my emotional need for her right now is stronger than yours.
Sam: Yeah, but she's mine. [Diane returns from the back]
Frasier: But I love her.
Sam: Well, you can find another one.
Frasier: Sam, I don't even want to talk about this anymore. There's nothing can say that would make me change my mind. She's mine and she always will be. You were never anything but a port in the storm. I want her and I'm going to have her. And nobody is going to stand in my way or else they'll suffer my wrath. Do I make myself clear, Mr. Malone?
Diane: [normal voice] Frasier, this is so exciting. You are the only man who has ever proclaimed his feelings for me with such eloquence.
Sam: Uh, I got a flash for you here, Diane. What we were talking about...
Frasier: Sam, she knows perfectly well what and who we were talking about. She's a clever girl and a beautiful one.

Quote from Sam

Norm: Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane and you get to go home to a dog.
Sam: Yeah, somebody up there likes me.

Quote from Sam

Boy: Hi, I'm looking for Sam Malone, the ex-Red Sox player.
Carla: That's him over there behind the bar.
Boy: Boy, has he gotten old.
Sam: Oh, no, no, son, I'm Sam Malone.
Boy: I know.
Sam: Does your mother know you hang around in bars?
Boy: Mr. Malone, my brother, Doug, is the biggest Red Sox fan ever and he's in the hospital having his tonsils out. It would mean a lot if he could have an autograph.
Sam: Sure thing.
Coach: Here you go, Sam.
Boy: Not yours. I figured you'd know where to find Carl Yastrzemski.
Sam: Well, no I don't know, but I'll certainly start you on your way. [gets ready to throw the ball]
Coach: Sam, hold it. Hold it.
Sam: Just kidding. Just kidding. Here's your ball. I'm sorry. I don't know where he is. We don't keep in touch.
Boy: Gee, Doug will be disappointed. I don't know what to do. Hey, could you sign it? It's almost as good.
Sam: You sure your brother's not going to mind?
Boy: Yeah. He doesn't know what Yastrzemski's handwriting looks like.
Sam: Good point. Good point.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Frasier, can't we put this off till tomorrow? It's such a lovely evening. Let's not despoil it.
Frasier: Diane, you only inflame violent emotional confrontations by putting them off.
Diane: Your intelligence inflames me.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, e = mc squared. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Diane: Ooh, baby!

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Sam, Frasier and I have something important to tell you.
Frasier: Sam, this may be rough going. I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity, Diane and I believe you may still be suffering some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship you had with Diane.
Sam: I'm sorry, Frasier, I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two. What was he saying?

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Sam, we know how much this has hurt you, but your defensiveness about it is becoming annoying.
Sam: Listen, I don't know what you expected me to do when you told me, but the truth is this does not bother me. I am very happy for you two kids.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Sam. We couldn't be happier. The only thing that could stand in the way of a total commitment now would be Pavlov's response. [laughs] You see, that's my little joke, Sam. Pavlov is my dog, you see, and, well, I couldn't resist the witticism.
Diane: Let me explain, Sam. You see, Pavlov...
Sam: That's okay. I know all about Pavlov. Pavlov's response: drooling at the sound of a dinner bell.
Coach: I've done that before, but I never knew what to call it.

Quote from Frasier

Diane: Oh, Frasier, we left Carla's present in the car.
Frasier: Oh, I'll get it. I hope I remember where I parked the thing. I'm so inebriated with joy over this situation. Or else the sake made me crocky. [laughs]
Cliff: Hey, hey, nobody told me he was funny.
Norm: Now you know why.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Well, I wish you all the luck in the world.
Diane: Because we'll need it?
Sam: No. Gosh, no. I think you two are a pair made in heaven. I don't care what the skeptics say, I say the two of you will last... Let's see, what time is it now?
Diane: Sam, you're hurting now, aren't you? Admit it. It's not in the least surprising that you're bitter because I never took this step with you, but what Frasier and I have together is more substantial. What you and I had was exciting, tempestuous at times, but there was no future in it.
Sam: Yeah, you've got to be careful about that excitement stuff. I mean, too much of that and soon you're starting to expect life to be enjoyable. Then one day you wake up and all those years of pleasure have gone by and what have you got to show for it? Happiness.
Diane: How true.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Afternoon, everyone. Golly, isn't it a beautiful day?
Sam: How are the new living arrangements going?
Diane: Oh, like a charm. [hums] I don't know why we didn't do it from the start.
Sam: Is that right?
Diane: Yeah. I couldn't be happier. Absolutely. [hums]
Sam: Say, Diane-
Diane: Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sorry. You'll have to excuse that. I have some... ah. Some kind of an itch, sort of in the back of my throat, but not exactly. Have you ever had one of those? Boy, it's almost as if it's inside my ear, but not there either. You know?
Carla: Gee, that must be maddening. Let me get you the ice pick.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: [whispering] I did it. I did it. I went out. I got her a great birthday present.
Coach: You mean it's Carla's birthday already again? I tell you, the older you get, the time goes...

Quote from Carla

Carla: OK, cut the crap. Today's my birthday. You all know that. So if you're planning a party for me, and you damn well better be, let's get the show on the road here, huh?
Sam: Boy, if that's not a cue for merriment, I don't know what is?
Cliff: Just a small token of my appreciation.
Carla: A very small token.
Cliff: Well, you know what they say, good things come in small packages.
Carla: No, little things come in small packages. Oh. Perfume.
Cliff: No, toilet water. [laughs]
Carla: Gag gift. Gag gift, I went for it. OK.
Norm: [carrying a large, heavy box] All right, Carla. Maybe this will make it up to you.
Carla: Now, this is more like it. All right. [opens the box and peers inside] A jelly bean. Thank you, Norm. Another gag gift. Oh, you guys are too much. [gasps] And garlic flavored. Nice touch, Norm.

Quote from Sam

Sam: All right, you guys. Come on, stop. I tried to stop them, Carla, but you know how these clowns have to get their gags in. Anyway, we saved the best for last. This is from me and from Coach.
Carla: [gasps] Silverware.
[Carla removes a mask]
Cliff: Uh, the Lone Ranger?
Sam: Yeah, you wear it to ride on Silver. [laughs]
Coach: Don't you get it, Carla? You wear it to ride on Silver.
Sam: Silverware.
Carla: Hilarious. Thanks a bunch, guys.
Norm: Hey, don't thank us, it's the thought.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: Sam, how about a couple of brandies?
Sam: Where were you, guys? You missed Carla's birthday party.
Diane: Oh, we discovered this wonderful, little French-Japanese restaurant. Very chic, dark, romantic.
Sam: Oh, yeah? You've got to be careful about those unlighted joints. You never know what grubby-looking food they're gonna slip you.
Frasier: Oh, not Chez Fujimoto.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, Frasier and I came to an important decision tonight after dinner.
Frasier: Sam, brace yourself. Diane and I are going to cohabitate.
Sam: Is that... right here in the bar? Well, I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.
Diane: This is predictable. Making jokes to mask the pain.
Sam: No, I don't understand what you two are talking about.
Diane: Sam, I'm going to move into Frasier's fashionable townhouse.
Sam: And where's Frasier going to move to?
Frasier: Sam, I believe you're being deliberately opaque in a situation where-
Diane: Frasier, he's making a joke.
Frasier: Oh, shoot.
Sam: So you two will be shacked up together?
Frasier: Yes, I decided it was time. The only thing that spoiled an evening with Diane was having to say good night to her.
Sam: Really? That was one of my highlights.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I had a puppy once. My ex-wife took her. Little bitch. About this high.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Carla, Frasier and Diane here have a gift for you.
Carla: Be still, my heart.
Frasier: Many happy returns, Carla.
Coach: Beautiful wrapping.
Carla: Oh, yes, Coach, exquisite wrapping. Now, let's get to the joke. [gasps] Oh, Diane, these are beautiful.
Diane: Frasier picked them out.
Carla: Thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: Don't mention it. Sam, how about a little vino to break them in?
Carla: Yeah, yeah, I want to make a toast. I want to toast the two people who had enough class to get me a real gift. To Diane and Frasier.
[Everyone laughs as Carla sips her drink and the red wine dribbles down her white shirt]
Frasier: No matter how many times I give fine-dribble crystal, I never tire of it.

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