Frasier: So, Sam, listen. Fill me in. I'm hungry for news of little Pavlov.
Sam: Pavlov? Oh, you must mean little Diane.
Frasier: I beg your pardon?
Sam: Yeah, I renamed the puppy Diane. I figured you wouldn't mind. I mean, it's my puppy now. Yeah, well, I tell you, it's so wonderful. I come home, she gives me any trouble, I swat her on the rear end and say, "Shut up, Diane." And she does. It's heaven.
Frasier: Sam, I have to be honest with you, changing the dog's name hurts me a little. Don't you think two Dianes will be confusing?
Sam: Well, maybe you're right. Well, we'll just have to call your girlfriend Pavlov.

Diane: Well, she's very sweet, obviously, but I'm a cat person. I obviously have some kind of an allergy to dogs.
Sam: Are you sure it's the dog?
Diane: Well, what else could it be?
Sam: You've been around that dog before. I mean, you must have. You know, moving in with Frasier is a big commitment. I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.
Diane: Oh, Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who has to write L and R on the bottom of his shoes.

Sam: So does that mean you agree with me or not?
Diane: Don't be ridiculous.
Sam: Gee, you know, I just had this thought. Could it possibly be that you still love somebody from your past?
Diane: You?
Sam: Well, not necessarily. It could have been Sumner or anybody, for that matter, but isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?
Diane: No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Frasier: Maybe on some subconscious level, you don't want to be living with me.
Diane: Frasier, it's the dog. I keep telling you. [voice changes] It's the dog!
Frasier: The voice. Diane, the damn dog is gone. She's halfway across the city! I don't want to go on putting you through all this.
Diane: Frasier, we've made a commitment here.
Frasier: Obviously you're not ready yet for this kind of commitment. Perhaps some day you will be. Perhaps not. We'll just have to wait and see.
Diane: No, I'm going to make this work.
Frasier: Diane, please, don't hold on to this for me. I love you. But I think your health is more important.
Diane: Maybe you're right.
Frasier: I'm sure I'm right. Now, listen. Go and gargle and spray your throat. Use your inhaler, take your antihistamine and put your nose drops in. Use whatever else you find in that pharmacy you call a purse.

Frasier: I want my doggy back!
Sam: Frasier, I've grown accustomed to the old girl.
Frasier: Well, my emotional need for her right now is stronger than yours.
Sam: Yeah, but she's mine. [Diane returns from the back]
Frasier: But I love her.
Sam: Well, you can find another one.
Frasier: Sam, I don't even want to talk about this anymore. There's nothing can say that would make me change my mind. She's mine and she always will be. You were never anything but a port in the storm. I want her and I'm going to have her. And nobody is going to stand in my way or else they'll suffer my wrath. Do I make myself clear, Mr. Malone?
Diane: [normal voice] Frasier, this is so exciting. You are the only man who has ever proclaimed his feelings for me with such eloquence.
Sam: Uh, I got a flash for you here, Diane. What we were talking about...
Frasier: Sam, she knows perfectly well what and who we were talking about. She's a clever girl and a beautiful one.

Norm: Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane and you get to go home to a dog.
Sam: Yeah, somebody up there likes me.

Boy: Hi, I'm looking for Sam Malone, the ex-Red Sox player.
Carla: That's him over there behind the bar.
Boy: Boy, has he gotten old.
Sam: Oh, no, no, son, I'm Sam Malone.
Boy: I know.
Sam: Does your mother know you hang around in bars?
Boy: Mr. Malone, my brother, Doug, is the biggest Red Sox fan ever and he's in the hospital having his tonsils out. It would mean a lot if he could have an autograph.
Sam: Sure thing.
Coach: Here you go, Sam.
Boy: Not yours. I figured you'd know where to find Carl Yastrzemski.
Sam: Well, no I don't know, but I'll certainly start you on your way. [gets ready to throw the ball]
Coach: Sam, hold it. Hold it.
Sam: Just kidding. Just kidding. Here's your ball. I'm sorry. I don't know where he is. We don't keep in touch.
Boy: Gee, Doug will be disappointed. I don't know what to do. Hey, could you sign it? It's almost as good.
Sam: You sure your brother's not going to mind?
Boy: Yeah. He doesn't know what Yastrzemski's handwriting looks like.
Sam: Good point. Good point.

Diane: Frasier, can't we put this off till tomorrow? It's such a lovely evening. Let's not despoil it.
Frasier: Diane, you only inflame violent emotional confrontations by putting them off.
Diane: Your intelligence inflames me.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, e = mc squared. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Diane: Ooh, baby!

Diane: Sam, Frasier and I have something important to tell you.
Frasier: Sam, this may be rough going. I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary, and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity, Diane and I believe you may still be suffering some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship you had with Diane.
Sam: I'm sorry, Frasier, I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two. What was he saying?

Diane: Sam, we know how much this has hurt you, but your defensiveness about it is becoming annoying.
Sam: Listen, I don't know what you expected me to do when you told me, but the truth is this does not bother me. I am very happy for you two kids.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Sam. We couldn't be happier. The only thing that could stand in the way of a total commitment now would be Pavlov's response. [laughs] You see, that's my little joke, Sam. Pavlov is my dog, you see, and, well, I couldn't resist the witticism.
Diane: Let me explain, Sam. You see, Pavlov...
Sam: That's okay. I know all about Pavlov. Pavlov's response: drooling at the sound of a dinner bell.
Coach: I've done that before, but I never knew what to call it.