Melissa: [aside to camera] Oh, I love Halloween. Best holiday... by far. Disguises, crime, lookin' hot? These are my specialties.

Melissa: See, this is why I never trusted any of youse. Now, get the cameras out of my face before I give you a colonoscopy with it.

Melissa: You know, Mr. Johnson's always the first to claim a player on the waiver wire. That's why he's been cleaning up. They should make him the new Mr. Clean. He's already bald.

Barbara: We need to show Legendary that we mean business.
Melissa: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Barbara: There's power in numbers. I need to write my congregation for a letter of support.
Melissa: Or I could write a note to Draemond, the untraceable kind. Get my kids to cut out letters from a magazine. That'll be fun.

Melissa: You okay?
Barbara: Fine. Okay, a little embarrassed.
Melissa: Ah, don't be embarrassed. You're aging with dignity. Meanwhile, I got to pack an extra pair of underwear if I plan on laughing that day.

Barbara: Nice to meet you, young man.
Gregory: Yeah, you too.
Melissa: Yeah, nice to meet you, Ryan.
Gregory: It's Gregory.
Melissa: Eh, let's see how long you'll be here. Then I'll remember your name, okay, Tim?

Melissa: [aside to camera] Oh, we love Action News. We get in early just to watch it. It just calms you down after wanting to take a wrench to someone's side mirror in traffic.

Barbara: Well, it looks like a classic Schemmenti good mood day.
Melissa: You know it! I got my favorite parking spot, my macchiato is on point, and my neighbor finally found her cat, so no more hearing her cry through the walls.

Janine: Oh, my goodness. Are these new?!
Melissa: You tell me.
Janine: Okay, um... No chocolate stains. No mildew. Look at this binding tension. Oh! How did you get these?
Melissa: I bought them.
Janine: With your own money? No favors?
Melissa: All me.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: Oh, yeah, I've been doing this project for 15 years. It's the first thing I did that the kids really loved. Um... This one was from my first year. It's Styrofoam. I get they're bad for the environment, but you try floating pigs in a blanket across a hot tub on a paper plate.

Janine: It's a simple, fun game where we write down a little fact about ourselves on these cards, something you think no one else knows. Then the cards are shuffled, and we try to figure out who each secret belongs to. It's so fun.
Melissa: When do we get the chicken?
Janine: When you tell a secret.
Melissa: My cousin turned down the hit on Bobby Kennedy.
Janine: Not that kind of secret, and we write it down.