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Attack Ad

‘Attack Ad’

Season 2, Episode 7 - Aired November 2, 2022

The staff at Abbott Elementary are stunned when they feature in an attack ad against the school. Meanwhile, Janine wants Tariq to collect his belongings after their break-up.

Quote from Melissa

Melissa: Was there a bit about me gambling? 'Cause a parent said something that almost triggered my fight-or-fight response.
Gregory: Mm, you mean fight or flight.
Melissa: No. I'm not a flippin' bird, Gregory.

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Quote from Ava

Ava: Y'all not gonna believe this, but I was watching Gourders, that show about pumpkin hoarders, and a commercial about Abbott came on. It's bad. I had to watch two more episodes before it played again.

Quote from Jacob

Jacob: Oh, I hate to be the perpetual resident of Buzzkill, Pennsylvania, but, uh, we are meeting with the lawyer any minute...
Candace: I am the lawyer.
Jacob: Oh. Of course you are. I knew that. Erin Brockovich is, like, my favorite movie.

Quote from Melissa

Barbara: I do not agree with anything in that commercial. I just think that we need to find a different way to get what we want. If... If we stoop to their level, we're no better than they are. They go low, we go high.
Melissa: Yeah. Eyes, nose, throat.
Barbara: No.

Quote from Ava

Melissa: Cut the crap. You use kids in your attack ads. How much you really care about them?
Draemond: We just aired what we shot. You didn't make it tough on us. Look, the conditions of this place are abysmal. Not to mention you have a principal who knows more about the cast of Love Island than she does her own students.
Ava: Hey! Just as much.

Quote from Melissa

Melissa: See, this is why I never trusted any of youse. Now, get the cameras out of my face before I give you a colonoscopy with it.

Quote from Gregory

Gregory: Green light. [kids advance] Red light. [kids stop]
Jacob: Gregory. There you are, my guy. Hey, did you hear this whole thing about Chris in Ms. Williams' class, his mom?
Gregory: Green light. The lady with the lip ring?
Jacob: Yeah, she got arrested.
Gregory: What?! Red light. Go on. Oh, this is bonkers. Arrested for what?
Jacob: Mm. Protesting workplace conditions.
Gregory: Oh. Green light.
Jacob: No, no, no, no. It gets good. It was at that strip club, Virgo's.
Gregory: Red light.
Jacob: Well, technically, just outside the strip club.
Gregory: Yellow light. [kids move slowly forward]
Jacob: Red light. The cops throw her in the back of the car. One of them was her cousin, though, so I think they just drove her home.
Both: Green light.

Quote from Janine

Janine: Eight-year anniversary. It's Medieval Times. He wouldn't stop speaking in a British accent. Freed all the knights' horses, which caused a little traffic thing, so...
[aside to camera:]
Janine: Tariq is in town, so I asked him to grab the rest of his stuff. I decided that when your relationship is 100% over, your ex shouldn't be keeping, like, 90% of his things at your place. His Pokémon plush toy, Charmeleon. He said it was the only thing that understood him. Dragon Ball Z, Gundam figures, Attack on Titan. A lot of anime. Wait, I think the last one was manga? He would always get sad when I confused the two. It's all gotta go.

Quote from Ava

Ava: Is this a diss track? Let me get in the booth.
Jacob: I don't even sound like that, dawg.
Barbara: This buffoonery will not stand.
Gregory: How did they even get this footage?
Janine: Yeah.
Ava: A camera crew came in. I thought it was one of them. [points to camera crew] Oh, like y'all can tell these moderately attractive white men with beards apart. What's even under there?

Quote from Janine

Jacob: Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.
Janine: And now you've made me an accessory.
Jacob: She's got a friend who's a lawyer.
Janine: Oh, fun.

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