Melissa: Was there a bit about me gambling? 'Cause a parent said something that almost triggered my fight-or-fight response.
Gregory: Mm, you mean fight or flight.
Melissa: No. I'm not a flippin' bird, Gregory.

Ava: Y'all not gonna believe this, but I was watching Gourders, that show about pumpkin hoarders, and a commercial about Abbott came on. It's bad. I had to watch two more episodes before it played again.

Jacob: Oh, I hate to be the perpetual resident of Buzzkill, Pennsylvania, but, uh, we are meeting with the lawyer any minute...
Candace: I am the lawyer.
Jacob: Oh. Of course you are. I knew that. Erin Brockovich is, like, my favorite movie.

Barbara: I do not agree with anything in that commercial. I just think that we need to find a different way to get what we want. If... If we stoop to their level, we're no better than they are. They go low, we go high.
Melissa: Yeah. Eyes, nose, throat.
Barbara: No.

Melissa: Cut the crap. You use kids in your attack ads. How much you really care about them?
Draemond: We just aired what we shot. You didn't make it tough on us. Look, the conditions of this place are abysmal. Not to mention you have a principal who knows more about the cast of Love Island than she does her own students.
Ava: Hey! Just as much.

Melissa: See, this is why I never trusted any of youse. Now, get the cameras out of my face before I give you a colonoscopy with it.

Gregory: Green light. [kids advance] Red light. [kids stop]
Jacob: Gregory. There you are, my guy. Hey, did you hear this whole thing about Chris in Ms. Williams' class, his mom?
Gregory: Green light. The lady with the lip ring?
Jacob: Yeah, she got arrested.
Gregory: What?! Red light. Go on. Oh, this is bonkers. Arrested for what?
Jacob: Mm. Protesting workplace conditions.
Gregory: Oh. Green light.
Jacob: No, no, no, no. It gets good. It was at that strip club, Virgo's.
Gregory: Red light.
Jacob: Well, technically, just outside the strip club.
Gregory: Yellow light. [kids move slowly forward]
Jacob: Red light. The cops throw her in the back of the car. One of them was her cousin, though, so I think they just drove her home.
Both: Green light.

Janine: Eight-year anniversary. It's Medieval Times. He wouldn't stop speaking in a British accent. Freed all the knights' horses, which caused a little traffic thing, so...
[aside to camera:]
Janine: Tariq is in town, so I asked him to grab the rest of his stuff. I decided that when your relationship is 100% over, your ex shouldn't be keeping, like, 90% of his things at your place. His Pokémon plush toy, Charmeleon. He said it was the only thing that understood him. Dragon Ball Z, Gundam figures, Attack on Titan. A lot of anime. Wait, I think the last one was manga? He would always get sad when I confused the two. It's all gotta go.

Ava: Is this a diss track? Let me get in the booth.
Jacob: I don't even sound like that, dawg.
Barbara: This buffoonery will not stand.
Gregory: How did they even get this footage?
Janine: Yeah.
Ava: A camera crew came in. I thought it was one of them. [points to camera crew] Oh, like y'all can tell these moderately attractive white men with beards apart. What's even under there?

Jacob: Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.
Janine: And now you've made me an accessory.
Jacob: She's got a friend who's a lawyer.
Janine: Oh, fun.