Don: I don't know about this plastic surgery stuff, Dick. I heard about a woman who had a face-lift once. They pulled her skin so tight that she couldn't blink. One morning, her eyes dried up and fell into her raisin bran. She gobbled them right down with the flakes.
Tommy: Whoa. So she could, like, watch herself eating her own eyeballs?
Dick: What a horrible true story.

Sally: Don, this is so special... the wine, the candles the fish sticks.
Don: I know your weak spot.
Sally: Rrahhrr!
Don: [chuckles] You know we don't have to eat right now. Why don't I fire up the lava lamp?
Sally: The red one?
Don: Oh, yeah, baby.
Sally: Will you turn on the black light in the aquarium?
Don: Sure, baby.
Sally: Did you take out the dead angel fish?
Don: I will, baby.

Dick: Oh, Don. Mary's furious with me, and I don't know what I did wrong.
Don: Oh, don't sweat it, Dick. It'll blow over.
Dick: I told her I had a sexual fantasy about Nina.
Don: Good god, Dick! You couldn't make a dumber move than that.
Dick: And then I told Nina.
Don: I stand corrected.

Don: All right, fellas, set up in here. Move all this furniture out.
Sally: Hi, Donny. You want an omelette?
Don: I can't, Sally. I'm here on official business. And, yes, I would like that omelette.
Sally: What kind of official business?
Don: Mushroom and cheese.

Don: Jimmy, get those 22 power binoculars. Put them on the tripod. Bob, get the night goggles for backup. And, Phil! Surprise me.
Sally: Man, I love it when you order people around. Order me around.
Don: Well, there's really nothing left to do. I was sort of running out of gas with Phil.
Sally: Order me around.
Don: Well, I, uh... I guess you could make me that omelette.
Sally: Are you asking me or telling me?
Don: And make it fluffy!

Don: Phil? What is this? I ordered a pastrami on rye without mustard. This has... mustard! You call yourself a cop?
[Sally throws herself at Don]

Jack McMannus: I'm looking for an officer Don Orville.
Don: I am he.
Jack McMannus: Jack McMannus. State Crime Division.
Don: Well, what, like the Feds?
Jack McMannus: No. Feds are federal. I'm with the state. It's feds, state... you.
Sally: Don, is he serious?
Jack McMannus: Listen up, people! We've been chasing this video pirate for a long time, so I hereby commandeer this observation post.
Sally: But Don, this is your case. Tell him!
Don: Yeah, what am I supposed to do?
Jack McMannus: You can get me a sandwich.

Don: Come on, Sally, we're late.
Sally: Oh, gosh, okay.
Harry: Where are you guys going?
Don: Uh, we're going to see the Kenny Loggins Experience. Yeah, they're a Kenny Loggins tribute band.
Tommy: Oh, they sound just like him?
Don: Well, I hope not. I hate Kenny Loggins.

Sally: Hey, you guys, look! "Rutherford's Ten Most Powerful Men". What number are you, Don?
Don: Um... Number not-on-it.
Sally: What, have they just never heard of you? How could that be?
Don: Well, Sally, I'm just a cop. But I once stopped number 8 for speeding, though. He let me off with a warning.

Don: What's going on here? Sally, did you come all the way down here just to play "hide the salami"?
Sally: How dare you? [slaps Don]
Don: I'm sorry. I've--I've been under a lot of pressure. There are only three of those in the world, and I've already lost two of 'em. Harry, did you hide my salami? [Harry slaps Don]