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‘Sex and the Sally’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

3rd Rock from the Sun: Sex and the Sally

507. Sex and the Sally

Aired November 30, 1999

After Tommy learns about the reproductive system in sex ed., he shocks Sally by telling her she could wind up pregnant by having sex with Don. Meanwhile, Dick discovers the practice of tipping waiters.

Quote from Sally

Sally: Well, I'm going to Don's. We're gonna have sex tonight.
Dick: That sounds like fun.
Tommy: Hey, Sally, are you ovulating?
Sally: No. Are you?
Tommy: No. But you ought to be careful tonight at Don's. You know, he's got millions of sperm.
Sally: Who told you that?
Tommy: I just learned it. I'm just saying you don't wanna get pregnant.
Sally: Pfft! You can't get pregnant like that. You get pregnant from... sitting on a toilet seat or swimming in a pool with some guys.
Harry: Oh, no.


Quote from Harry

Dick: This makes no sense. You're getting paid to do nothing. Meanwhile, I'm expected to pay tips to people for doing things that I'm already paying them to do.
Harry: It's only fair, Dick. It's a reward for good service.
Dick: You know about tipping?
Harry: Well, sure. That's how I make most of my money down at the bar.
Dick: But I never tip you.
Harry: And that's why your drink always has that funny taste.

Quote from Sally

Dr. Severson: Okay. Well, what method were you interested in exploring?
Sally: Well, I don't want him to know I'm using it, so I don't want anything loud.
Dr. Severson: Loud?
Sally: Yeah. I mean, it would just crush him if he knew I didn't want to have his kids.
Dr. Severson: Oh, right. Well, uh... this is the sponge. It's small and highly effective.
Sally: Sponge?
Dr. Severson: Oh, I get it. It's so small, that by the time you're done doing the dishes, you're too exhausted to have sex, right?
Dick: Do they come with a scouring side?
Dr. Severson: No, no. You see, the sponge, the diaphragm, these are barrier methods. You insert them before sex.
Sally: Ooh, mood killer.
Dick: It's not for us.

Quote from Sally

Sally: Don, I- I have to tell you something. I've been taking pills.
Don: Pills! I should've known. What are they? Uppers? Downers? Lubies? Beanballs?
Sally: Worse. Birth control pills. That's why I've been acting so crazy.
Don: You been taking birth control pills? Why didn't you tell me?
Sally: I just didn't want you to think I didn't want to have your baby 'cause I do... if I wanted to have a baby, which I don't.
Don: Well, that's all right, Sally. Neither do I. That's why I use protection.
Sally: You do?
Don: Of course. What'd you think was in those little foil packets?
Sally: I thought those were airplane peanuts.
Don: Airplane peanuts?
Sally: Yeah. And I used to wonder why, before sex, you'd go into the bathroom and eat peanuts by yourself, but I figured, you know, "Hey, whatever gets you in the mood," right?

Quote from Sally

Sally: Look, don't you have anything simple, easy, something like - I don't know-- a pill or something?
Dr. Severson: Well, of course, there is the pill.
Sally: Don't mock me.
Dr. Severson: No, no, the birth control pill. It's very safe and highly effective. There are a few side effects, however: bloating, anxiety, mood swings...
Sally: Mood swings? I can handle that. Bring it on. [Dr. Severson hands her a container] I can't swallow this.
Dick: Maybe if you mash it up with some bananas.
Sally: Oh, that's a good idea. I'll take it.

Quote from Sally

Mr. Mora: I'm in the middle of teaching a class here.
Sally: Yeah, but I need answers. You see, I went on the pill, but the pill's making me act crazy, and my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts 'cause he doesn't know that I'm on the pill, and I can't tell him, so I just really need your help.
Mr. Mora: Well, um... have you considered being honest with your boyfriend?
Sally: That's not an option.
Mr. Mora: How about abstinence?
Sally: Abstinence? What's that?
Mr. Mora: That's... that's not having sex at all.
Sally: Yeah! Honesty! Honesty will work!

Quote from Dick

Waitress: Hello. Would you like something from the bar?
Dick: Uh, yes. I'll have a glass of Merlot, and a Chardonnay for the lady who will be joining me. Oh, and, uh can we establish something first? You are, I assume, expecting a tip?
Waitress: Well... yes.
Dick: Yep. All right. Now, this pile of one-dollar bills represents your potential tip. Every time you please me, you'll see the pile grow. However, if I am unsatisfied - if you're slow, mouthy, or sneeze into your hands - you'll notice the pile shrinking. Agreed?
Waitress: Yes, I guess.
Dick: All right. Good luck. [shakes her hand]

Quote from Sally

Tommy: No, that's not how it happens. It's caused by sex.
Dick: Lieutenant, you are the security officer. If you got pregnant, it would seriously jeopardize our mission.
Sally: You never said anything before.
Dick: Well, you weren't getting the regular nookie before.
Tommy: Sally, getting pregnant goes against protocol.
Dick: Yeah, and it's an endless responsibility.
Harry: It'll make your feet swell up.
Sally: God, you guys are right. I can't get pregnant. I just got new shoes.

Quote from Mary

Mary: You know, I can't believe how flaky that sole was.
Dick: Mm. You know what I can't believe? That you've never been pregnant.
Mary: What?
Dick: Considering how many "gentlemen callers" you've had, it's kind of a miracle.
Mary: Dick, I can't have children.
Dick: Oh, Mary... why not?
Mary: Because I hate them.
Dick: Oh, well, we're okay then.

Quote from Dick

Mary: What are you doing?
Dick: I'm just taking the little extra money you always leave for me.
Mary: Oh, my God! No wonder we're treated like crap everywhere we go. How can you be so cheap?
Dick: I- I'm not cheap.
Mary: Then put the tip back on the table.
Dick: The what?
Mary: The tip. It was $10. Put it back.
Dick: Uh, of course. The tip.
Waitress: Good night. Thank you.
Dick: Oh! Mary! That waitress just stole our tip!

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