Sally: Well, I'm going to Don's. We're gonna have sex tonight.
Dick: That sounds like fun.
Tommy: Hey, Sally, are you ovulating?
Sally: No. Are you?
Tommy: No. But you ought to be careful tonight at Don's. You know, he's got millions of sperm.
Sally: Who told you that?
Tommy: I just learned it. I'm just saying you don't wanna get pregnant.
Sally: Pfft! You can't get pregnant like that. You get pregnant from... sitting on a toilet seat or swimming in a pool with some guys.
Harry: Oh, no.

Dick: This makes no sense. You're getting paid to do nothing. Meanwhile, I'm expected to pay tips to people for doing things that I'm already paying them to do.
Harry: It's only fair, Dick. It's a reward for good service.
Dick: You know about tipping?
Harry: Well, sure. That's how I make most of my money down at the bar.
Dick: But I never tip you.
Harry: And that's why your drink always has that funny taste.

Dr. Severson: Okay. Well, what method were you interested in exploring?
Sally: Well, I don't want him to know I'm using it, so I don't want anything loud.
Dr. Severson: Loud?
Sally: Yeah. I mean, it would just crush him if he knew I didn't want to have his kids.
Dr. Severson: Oh, right. Well, uh... this is the sponge. It's small and highly effective.
Sally: Sponge?
Dr. Severson: Oh, I get it. It's so small, that by the time you're done doing the dishes, you're too exhausted to have sex, right?
Dick: Do they come with a scouring side?
Dr. Severson: No, no. You see, the sponge, the diaphragm, these are barrier methods. You insert them before sex.
Sally: Ooh, mood killer.
Dick: It's not for us.

Sally: Don, I- I have to tell you something. I've been taking pills.
Don: Pills! I should've known. What are they? Uppers? Downers? Lubies? Beanballs?
Sally: Worse. Birth control pills. That's why I've been acting so crazy.
Don: You been taking birth control pills? Why didn't you tell me?
Sally: I just didn't want you to think I didn't want to have your baby 'cause I do... if I wanted to have a baby, which I don't.
Don: Well, that's all right, Sally. Neither do I. That's why I use protection.
Sally: You do?
Don: Of course. What'd you think was in those little foil packets?
Sally: I thought those were airplane peanuts.
Don: Airplane peanuts?
Sally: Yeah. And I used to wonder why, before sex, you'd go into the bathroom and eat peanuts by yourself, but I figured, you know, "Hey, whatever gets you in the mood," right?

Sally: Look, don't you have anything simple, easy, something like - I don't know-- a pill or something?
Dr. Severson: Well, of course, there is the pill.
Sally: Don't mock me.
Dr. Severson: No, no, the birth control pill. It's very safe and highly effective. There are a few side effects, however: bloating, anxiety, mood swings...
Sally: Mood swings? I can handle that. Bring it on. [Dr. Severson hands her a container] I can't swallow this.
Dick: Maybe if you mash it up with some bananas.
Sally: Oh, that's a good idea. I'll take it.

Mr. Mora: I'm in the middle of teaching a class here.
Sally: Yeah, but I need answers. You see, I went on the pill, but the pill's making me act crazy, and my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts 'cause he doesn't know that I'm on the pill, and I can't tell him, so I just really need your help.
Mr. Mora: Well, um... have you considered being honest with your boyfriend?
Sally: That's not an option.
Mr. Mora: How about abstinence?
Sally: Abstinence? What's that?
Mr. Mora: That's... that's not having sex at all.
Sally: Yeah! Honesty! Honesty will work!

Waitress: Hello. Would you like something from the bar?
Dick: Uh, yes. I'll have a glass of Merlot, and a Chardonnay for the lady who will be joining me. Oh, and, uh can we establish something first? You are, I assume, expecting a tip?
Waitress: Well... yes.
Dick: Yep. All right. Now, this pile of one-dollar bills represents your potential tip. Every time you please me, you'll see the pile grow. However, if I am unsatisfied - if you're slow, mouthy, or sneeze into your hands - you'll notice the pile shrinking. Agreed?
Waitress: Yes, I guess.
Dick: All right. Good luck. [shakes her hand]

Tommy: No, that's not how it happens. It's caused by sex.
Dick: Lieutenant, you are the security officer. If you got pregnant, it would seriously jeopardize our mission.
Sally: You never said anything before.
Dick: Well, you weren't getting the regular nookie before.
Tommy: Sally, getting pregnant goes against protocol.
Dick: Yeah, and it's an endless responsibility.
Harry: It'll make your feet swell up.
Sally: God, you guys are right. I can't get pregnant. I just got new shoes.

Mary: You know, I can't believe how flaky that sole was.
Dick: Mm. You know what I can't believe? That you've never been pregnant.
Mary: What?
Dick: Considering how many "gentlemen callers" you've had, it's kind of a miracle.
Mary: Dick, I can't have children.
Dick: Oh, Mary... why not?
Mary: Because I hate them.
Dick: Oh, well, we're okay then.

Mary: What are you doing?
Dick: I'm just taking the little extra money you always leave for me.
Mary: Oh, my God! No wonder we're treated like crap everywhere we go. How can you be so cheap?
Dick: I- I'm not cheap.
Mary: Then put the tip back on the table.
Dick: The what?
Mary: The tip. It was $10. Put it back.
Dick: Uh, of course. The tip.
Waitress: Good night. Thank you.
Dick: Oh! Mary! That waitress just stole our tip!