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Youth is Wasted on the Dick

‘Youth is Wasted on the Dick’

Season 5, Episode 15 -  Aired March 14, 2000

Dick tries to make up for his non-existent youth when he and Mary travel to a B&B during Spring Break. Meanwhile, Sally falls for a state police officer, Jack McManus (Miguel Ferrer), who takes over Don's investigation in the neighborhood.

Quote from Nina

Dick: Nina... you still pass for young. What do you do during spring break?
Nina: I like to use the time to relax and find my center again.
Dick: And how do you do that?
Nina: Well, I picture a 50-mile radius around you, and I go outside of that.


Quote from Mary

Mary: Sterling Lake is really special to me, Dick. I spent so many happy summers there with my family when I was young.
Dick: Wait a second. You had a youth, too?
Mary: Yes, Dick.
Dick: Well, what was it like, or can you still remember?
Mary: It was wonderful. We lived in log cabins we built ourselves. Oh! And when Mr. Lincoln came to town, we were all a-flutter. What do you think it was like, Dick?

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Mrs. Dubcek: Are those cops gonna be up here all night? 'Cause I'd really rather have them come down to my place.
Tommy: They're staking out this guy across the street who illegally pirates videos.
Mrs. Dubcek: Does he have any films starring... Chesty Doubloons?
Tommy: Uh, I'm not sure. Why?
Mrs. Dubcek: No reason.

Quote from Dick

Dick: I'm sorry, Mary. I just feel like like I never had a youth.
Mary: What do you mean?
Dick: While you were growing up, I was working as a color spectrum particle separator at the assemblage dome.
Mary: Boy, and I bitched about working at the Dairy Queen.

Quote from Dick

Don: Oh, and we suspect that your neighbor across the street is a video pirate.
Harry: Oh, you mean the guy with the peg leg and the eye patch?
Don: No, the guy right next door to him. I'm talking about the kind of scum that puts new movies on tape and then resells them illegally for a profit.
Dick: Don, when you nab this criminal, as I know you will, can you get us a copy of prince's much maligned and misunderstood film classic Under a Cherry Moon?
Don: Dick, you can get that at any video store.
Dick: You'd think so wouldn't you? But no.

Quote from Tommy

Don: Oh, why did they have to bring in the Feds? This should've been my collar.
Tommy: Why don't you break the case yourself?
Harry: Yeah. Get the guy to incriminate himself.
Tommy: Yeah. And get it on tape to make it stick.
Don: What, you mean like a wire?
Tommy: Well, look who just woke up!
Don: Wearing a wire. Nice. But who's gonna do it?
Tommy: I'll do it.
Don: Could be dangerous.
Tommy: Harry'll do it.

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: I don't know. I think youth is overrated. Greasy hair and pimples, constantly having to cover your lap with a three-ring binder.
Harry: Yeah, but without young people, we wouldn't have the Young Guns movie franchise.
Sally: Or The Young and the Restless!
Dick: Or the noted psychologist Carl Jung.
Tommy: No, that's with a "J." It doesn't count.
Dick: It does, too. It's a homonym.
Tommy: Homonyms don't count!

Quote from Dick

Dick: Oh, my God! Last night's game was brutal!
Harry: Oh, what happened?
Dick: "White queen's bishop 3 takes black rook's pawn 4 in 12 moves!"
Tommy: Aah! In your face, Andrei Pershnekov!

Quote from Don

Don: All right, fellas, set up in here. Move all this furniture out.
Sally: Hi, Donny. You want an omelette?
Don: I can't, Sally. I'm here on official business. And, yes, I would like that omelette.
Sally: What kind of official business?
Don: Mushroom and cheese.

Quote from Don

Don: Jimmy, get those 22 power binoculars. Put them on the tripod. Bob, get the night goggles for backup. And, Phil! Surprise me.
Sally: Man, I love it when you order people around. Order me around.
Don: Well, there's really nothing left to do. I was sort of running out of gas with Phil.
Sally: Order me around.
Don: Well, I, uh... I guess you could make me that omelette.
Sally: Are you asking me or telling me?
Don: And make it fluffy!

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