Michael Scott: Did you know herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley. What do they all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here to receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award!
Meredith: This is bull! [throws her Dundie]

Jim: Is there a birthday that you remember that you loved?
Dwight K. Schrute: Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord.
Jim: Stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count.

Pam: I've been working forever on Jim's present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He'll take a memory or a private joke, and he'll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes 'bear man'. Wreaks havoc on the office. It's really good.

Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

Dwight K. Schrute: Argh. You know what, fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. Done.
Jim: [answering his office phone] This is Dwight.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Oh. And I forwarded his desk phone to mine.
[back:]
Jim: Oh, hello, mater. Good news, I've married. Tell fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman.
[Dwight smashes his cell phone against the table.]

Michael Scott: Well, here we go, on our way to New York. New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

Meredith: Pam failed art school.
Dwight K. Schrute: Huh. Wow. Doesn't surprise me.
Jim: Excuse me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two different directions.
Phyllis: Dwight, stop it.
Stanley: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Are there two suns?
Meredith: Come on.
Stanley: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Last I checked, that's not an office building in the Andromeda galaxy.
Jim: I'm gonna grab a cup of coffee.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's totally unrealistic. No lines in the parking lot.