Brick: What's wrong?
Mike: What do you mean?
Brick: You turned off the TV when a basketball game is on. Is Mom dead?
Mike: Why would you say that?
Brick: Well, the last time you turned off the TV when a game was on, Aunt Edie died.
Mike: Look, nobody's dead, okay?

Mike: But there's some stuff that maybe Axl didn't tell you. For example, you should always have respect for women, and make sure that you ask consent. You know, you got to ask permission before you...
Brick: Touch her ears?
Mike: Uh... Y... sure. Yeah. But my point is, whether it's ears or anything else... I'd stick to ears...
Brick: Mm-hmm.
Mike: "No" means "No." Got it?
Brick: Got it.

Mike: Okay. Oh, plus, there seems to be this issue where you're... making out a lot.
Brick: But making out's so enjoyable. It took me and Cindy a while to figure it out... watching couples in the park helped... but now I know what I'm doing. We move our lips now.
Mike: Congratulations on that, but you know how every time I kiss your mom, you guys say, "Ugh! That's disgusting!"?
Brick: Yeah.
Mike: Well, that's might be how other people feel about you. So, out of respect for other people, no kissing in front of them at school. Or at home. The woods is good. Or, uh, any alley, behind a Dumpster. You should feel a sense of shame. That's how you know you're doing it right.

Sue: There must be something in here that makes me look more mature. What about this?
Brad: We all love ice cream, but we don't have to wear it.
Sue: Oh, yeah.
Brad: Look, are you sure we're not jumping to conclusions? I mean, we don't even know who this woman is.
Sue: Maybe, but it made me realize... Sean's only gonna see me as Axl's little sister because I'm still dressing like Axl's little sister. You know, I'm 21 now. I need to start dressing in a way that shows I am a capable and confident woman.
Brad: Then we should probably get rid of the bumblebee sweater.
Sue: But it's the only thing that goes with my bumblebee pants.
Brad: Yeah, about those...
Sue: Oh, yeah. I know. I know. It's just... I don't know. I like being a little different. And I like that my outsides reflect the way I feel on the inside.
Brad: No one's saying you have to lose your Sue-ness. Polka dots are good. Just not "Put Me in the Zoo" polka dots.

Axl: Hey, Brick. What do you think of this? "Dear Uncle Ralph, thank you for the Spider-man lunch box. I found it quite useful in transporting my sandwich to my place of education. The thermos was especially useful in keeping my liquids chilled." How does that sound?
Brick: I think you know the answer to that.
Axl: Urgh! I'm trying to use a lot of words 'cause Mom says I have to "fill the page."
Brick: Well, Axl, it's not that hard. Just write the way you talk.
Axl: Okay. Here's how I talk... this sucks! I didn't ask for any of these stupid presents. They just came. Did baby Jesus have to write thank-you notes to the Wise Men? Was Mary all on him like, "Oh, thank you for the myrrh. I'll be sure to use it next time I put myrrh on stuff."
Brick: Actually, Jesus did the ultimate thank-you.
Axl: Yes, but he didn't have to write anything.

Brad: Okay, if you want to be more adult, it's not just about your clothes and makeup. It's also about how you conduct yourself in conversation.
Sue: Okay.
Brad: So, I'm gonna say key words and see how you react to them. Dolphins.
Sue: [gasps] I love dolphins!
Brad: We all love dolphins, Sue, but instead of gasping, you might talk about how they're endangered because they get caught in drift nets. Now let's try another one. Double rainbows.
Sue: [gasps] I love double rainbows! That is not fair. Even a single rainbow, I would get excited about. Some people say they're God's sneezes.
Brad: Or... you might say, "Rainbows are lovely, and we're lucky to enjoy them. And I also appreciate they stand for gay rights." Now one more. Glitter.
Sue: [stifles gasp] It... just gets everywhere, doesn't it?
Brad: Better.

Brick: Axl, how much longer is it gonna take you to finish those? Turns out I'm not a woods or alley kind of guy. I need a private place to bring Cindy now that the school won't allow us to make out anymore.
Axl: Thinkin' I'll be done by the end of the day.
Brick: [sighs] Great.
Axl: With the first one.
Brick: What?! That'll take forever!
Axl: Mm. Gonna let you in on a little secret here, Brick. Your brother, which you look up to like a god, has got one weakness... writin' things good.
Brick: Oh, boo-hoo. You're bad at one thing? I'm bad at a million things. But I have one girl in the universe who wants to kiss me, and I can't, because you can't write a thank-you note from when you were 8 years old?

Axl: Hey-oh! Booyah! Ba-bam. I crushed it. I was funny, I was heartfelt, I acted like I knew these people.
Frankie: See, doesn't that feel good, that sense of accomplishment?
Axl: So good. Signed, sealed, you deliver.
Frankie: What do you want me to do with them?
Axl: You got to take them to the thing... you know, where you take things?
Frankie: The post office? You don't know what the post office is?
Axl: I've heard of them. Do they still have those? [Frankie scoffs] Never mind. Just give me the address. I'll Waze it.
Frankie: Nobody knows the address of the post office. We just know where it is. And what is Waze?
Axl: [groans] Oh, my God.

Frankie: Hey, you got mail on the counter.
Axl: Oh, yeah? What's it say?
Frankie: How would I know? It's addressed to you.
Axl: Mm. Ooh. "Dear Axl, so nice to hear from you after all of these years. Your thank-you note brightened my day with laughter. You always were a charming fellow. Here's $2. Treat yourself to a video. Uncle Ralph."
Frankie: Aww. Uncle Ralph's a great guy. Don't forget to write him a thank-you note for that money.
Axl: [drops to the ground] Noooooo!
Frankie: [v.o.] Unfortunately for Axl, he got 10 more responses, totaling $8... all requiring thank-yous. Well, it's like they say... "No good deed goes unpunished."

Sue: Oh, I can't eat the bottom. But I can't bring myself to eat the head, either. That's too sad. Alright, I'll start at the bottom. Oh, no. 'Cause then they see themselves without a body. That's worse.