Frankie: I still can't get over what an amazing speech that was. Who knew you had it in you? See, you should talk more.
Mike: Every so often, I have something to say, and I say it.

Frankie: I have got to fix this. Sue has to stand up for herself. If this isn't worth the fight, Mike, I don't know what is. Hey, Sue! Get in here! You know what this is? A teachable moment. I saw that on Oprah. Or Project Runway or something. I don't remember, but it's teachable.

Reverend TimTom: Hey, you know, uh, before you do that, would you all mind giving a listen to my new song? I'd love to get some feedback on it.
Mike: Sure.
Reverend TimTom: [plays guitar and sings] Moms are people, too She had hopes and dreams before she had you Like maybe The Virgin Mary wanted to play soccer Or travel the world on a whim But when Jesus came along, it all became about him And all the angels sang, "Moms are people, too" And how often do we say thank you? She could've been a shepherd or a fisherman Or maybe starred in a Broadway show But her family came first and she let it all go To drive you to school through the rain, sleet, and snow And use her own sleeve to wipe your runny nose

Frankie: [v.o.] Even unannounced, it's always nice to have family home. Well, sometimes.
Mike: So, Rusty, what brings you by?
Rusty: Well, I suppose you're wondering what brings me by.
Mike: Yes, that's...
Rusty: I've got a business opportunity, and I want to get my big brother in on the ground floor.
Mike: Well, I appreciate you thinking about me, Rusty, but, uh, I didn't really get your last idea.
Rusty: Oh, pancake cup? It was a coffee mug made out of pancakes. When you finish drinking it, you just ate the cup. But Mike pointed out that pancakes don't hold liquid on account of they're made mostly out of pancakes.
Mike: Fatal flaw.

Brick: So that's the thing about divorce. Some couples rush into marriage without really thinking about the pros and cons. Others just grow apart. In the case of Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, it was distance... and egos.
Boy: Thanks, but I actually came to tell you I misheard my parents when I was listening through the wall. They're not getting a divorce. They're getting me a horse.
Brick: Arabian or quarter horse? Because Arabians need a much bigger paddock. [whispers] Paddock.

Sue: I am a finalist for the scholarship!
Frankie: [gasps] Oh, my God.
Mike: What scholarship?
Sue: They're interviewing the top 25 people, and I'm one of them. They think I have a "quality." Can you believe it? I have a "quality"! So, the CEO guy is going to be Skyping me tomorrow night our time because he's overseas. [gasps] Oh, I am Skyping someone overseas! Yeah. Things are happening for me! Oh, how could I ever doubt myself? How could I doubt my posters? You know, I will reach for the stars. I will hang in there, kitty. I will go out on a lim... [falls] Aah!
Frankie: Ooh!
Sue: I'm okay.

Axl: What? Sick at school and then a party that night? Who could be this awesome? Funny you should "Ax".
Darrin: You are my God.
Sean: Nicely done. But wait, what are you gonna do about tomorrow? We only took the written part of the test today. Tomorrow's the oral exam.
Axl: What? Uh... Okay, okay, let's see. Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be sick again. I'm just gonna have to do the "sick, not sick, sick."
Darrin: But we have a game tomorrow.
Axl: Let me finish. I mean the "sick, not sick, sick... Not sick."
Darrin: [points at Axl] God.
Axl: Yes.