TV Quotes

Nancy: Um, o-o-okay, well, if anybody else wanted to talk about our town or...
Mike: I'll do it. Hi. Mike Heck. Uh, born and raised in Orson. Uh, listen, when I first heard about this whole, um, 200th thing, I thought it was dumb. But the more I thought about it... the more I thought about it... I started to think maybe it isn't such a bad idea. 'Cause this town deserves to be noticed. But not by some magazine, by us. Now, I'm a guy who gets up and puts on the same thing every day... a plaid shirt and jeans... just so I don't have to think about it. And we all do that... we get up, we go to work, we make dinner, put the kids to bed, and we forget... how lucky we are, how fortunate we are to live in a town where, uh, Maricela stands out in front of her store with a plate, asking if you want to try a butter cookie. Or... Or... Or Joe at the stereo store... Well, that's what they called it when I was growing up. You go in there, he always says hi, you ask him how his day's going, he always says, "Great." Or how 'bout Lee? She's the... She's the heart and soul of this town. I think she was here when it was founded. [light applause] And Bill... When my roof was leaking, Bill came over and helped me patch it, and he left his hammer at my house. So I returned it to him, but he said, "It's not even my hammer." Somebody else had left it at his house when we were all there fixing the fence. So, that's why, yesterday, I put that hammer in our family's time capsule. 'Cause I think people in the future should know that this is a town where people help each other out. 'Cause you do for family. And that's what we are. So, you know, uh, we're... we're, uh... we're lucky. We're really lucky. Uh... okay. I guess that's all I got. [cheers and applause]

Frankie: "Three acts of bravery"?
Brick: Yep, and I have to have them done by the cow rededication ceremony. So, I jotted down a few ideas on the bus, and I want to run 'em by you guys.
Brick: Rank them one to five, with five being the bravest.
Frankie: Brick, this Frugal Hoosier chicken's on the clock here.
Brick: First one... foiling a bank robbery.
Mike: Five for bravery, one for how the hell are you gonna make that happen?
Brick: Hmm. Walking through a hail of gunfire like Wonder Woman?
Frankie: Please don't dress like Wonder Woman.
Brick: Holding in my poop all day?
Mike: Solid three.
Brick: Hmm. How upset would you be if I set fire to the house if I was reasonably sure I could put it out?
Mike: [sighs] Could you make it look like an accident?

Mike: How you doing balancing the checkbook?
Sue: Well, I must have done it wrong. I have your balance at minus $11.
Mike: No, you did it right. It's us who did it wrong. [Frankie and Mike high-five]

Mike: You know when I was happiest? I mean really happy? When I was driving everybody. When they were small, and I'd be driving. Didn't matter where. It was just me at the wheel and you next to me and those three idiots in the back. And I knew everything was okay, 'cause I was driving. And I had it. I had everybody.