Eleanor: Hey, guys. Having fun? Great. So, little update. Um, the Good Place is a disaster. Everyone here is a happiness zombie, and no one is doing anything about it, because by the time they realize it's happening, everyone is too far gone to care.
Tahani: Oh, dear! Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.
Hypatia: Hi, I'm milkshake. Do you want a milkshake?
Chidi: Okay, we need to tell someone before we're too zonked out to remember why we're here. We need to find the Committee.
Michael: The Committee is me. I am Committee. It me.
Eleanor: What?
Michael: They tricked me. And put me in charge of the Good Place and then literally ran away.
Eleanor: And then what happened? The sorting hat put you in Hufflepuff? Roasted. Come on, I know we have problems. You can't expect me to ignore this.

Eleanor: Well, I'm not giving up. We worked too hard and went through too much. And I'm not just gonna sit back and turn into some slack-jawed sweatpant-wearing orgasm machine. Oh, my God, I'm describing my dream existence like it's bad. What is wrong with this place?

Michael: What if we do what I did to you in the original neighborhood? Erase their memory every once in a while? That way, paradise would seem fresh and new.
Chidi: You were doing that to torture us. Actual paradise can't use the same playbook as hell.
Eleanor: Okay, well, I have a solution. Remember what I said to you when you were going through your "midlife crisis, one earring, red convertible" phase?
Michael: "You look so stupid."
Eleanor: After that.
Michael: You said that every human is a little bit sad all the time, because you know you're gonna die. But that knowledge is what gives life meaning.
Eleanor: The way to restore meaning to the people in the Good Place is to let them leave.
Janet: Leave and go where? This is the last... Oh.
Michael: Can we just do that?
Eleanor: You're the head of the Good Place now. Seems to me, you can do whatever you want.

Eleanor: I think Chidi's gonna leave.
Michael: Really? Did he say he was ready?
Eleanor: He didn't say exactly that, but he's getting close. I can tell. I need to do something to shake things up, you know? Light a spark. Oh! Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Hi. I think Chidi's almost ready to walk through the door, and I need to keep him here, so, um, can you make me a bed shaped like a giant highlighter and, like, a sexy edible valedictorian robe?
Michael: No, I think this calls for something spiritual.
Eleanor: Ah, okay, but if I do this right, my man's gonna be talking to God. You know what I mean? Wait, what do you mean?

Eleanor: What's this called again, "Koulouvi"?
Chidi: Koulouri, and I lived on these when I was here.
Eleanor: I like to picture young Chidi Anagonye here, reading, nerding out, treating himself to a koulouri, if he had an astute insight into Aristotelian virtue ethics.
Chidi: Oh, that... is accurate. That is an accurate picture of 20-year-old me. This was so special. Thank you. Should we head home?
Eleanor: Nope, because... we're not done yet. There's more special trip. Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there. You enjoying your trip, Chidi?
Eleanor: Yes, we are, but it's not over yet. We are ready to head to destination number two. Remember?
Janet: Yes, of course. Head right this way.

Eleanor: So, what do you want to do? Turn into birds and fly to Notre Dame? Stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower and throw water balloons onto imaginary tourists? [both laugh]
Chidi: Whatever you want to do.
Eleanor: Okay, well, let's freshen up, have dinner at some schmancy restaurant, order a million-dollar bottle of wine, even though it tastes exactly like cheap, stupid wine, and sit in a room at the George V and watch Real Housewives of whatever city they're doing that in now.
Chidi: Love it. I'm gonna walk around my old neighborhood. See where I used to live. Meet you at the restaurant?
Eleanor: Yeah.
Chidi: All right.

Real Eleanor: And then at night, it was pretty classic torture. Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv, and there was always jazz music playing.
Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.
Chidi: Famously a piano player.

Eleanor: Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feeling all right?
Chidi: I feel fine.
Eleanor: Mm...
Chidi: I do have a stomachache. Why do I always have a stomachache?
Eleanor: Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chilli, bro, this one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak but I have a plan. Come with me. Nah-ah-ah! Leave that chilli, weirdo.

Eleanor: Chidi, Chidi! What's going on? Why are there giant animals everywhere? Do you hear Ariana Grande playing? Why is everyone wearing blue and yellow?
Chidi: You're not. You're... you're the only one who's not. Eleanor, this is all happening because of you.
Eleanor: Ah, fork me.

Fred: Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much.
Eleanor: It was nothing. [he inspects his wallet] Dude, I didn't take your money. I would never even think of doing that.
Fred: No, no, no, I'm not worried about that. Ah, here it is. I started a new job a few months ago and I got really nervous. So my daughter Carolyn drew this for me to make me feel better. Ah, it's my good luck charm. Every time I'm stressed at work now, I just have to look at this and I feel, you know, safe. Look, a lot of people wouldn't have tried so hard to get this to me. You are a good person, Eleanor. I really hope my daughter turns out like you when she grows up. [chuckles] Are you all right?
Eleanor: [sobs] No, you shut up. Sorry. It's been a weird day.