Rose: God, I hate fog.
Sophia: Why? You've spent most of your life in one.
Rose: I meant if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see. There was Alf Landen, Wendell Wilkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice. Oh, God, it's making sense!

Rose: Nils Felander attempted to harass me repeatedly.
Blanche: What do you mean, he attempted to?
Rose: He worked at Lars Erikson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop. He was a soda jerk. Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk. Every Saturday afternoon, I'd go in and have a sundae. Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way. I could never prove it, because by the time I would take it home to show my father... the evidence had-
Rose, Dorothy & Blanche: [in unison] melted.
Rose: To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush.

Rose: I cringe at some of the stunts I pulled when I was going through my rebellious stage.
Dorothy: Like what, Rose, squeezing the cows too hard?
Rose: No like climbing out my bedroom window and stealing my father's truck to drive into a bar in the city to meet Clel Lightener.
Blanche: Clel Lightener? I think I used that on my hair once.
Rose: Oh, Clel was the cutest boy at our high school. He was also the only sophomore old enough to get into a bar.
Dorothy: So what did you do when you got there?
Rose: I sat in the truck for hours, paralyzed with fear. I kept thinking to myself, "What is a simple Protestant farm girl doing in the parking lot of a gin mill in a flashy, fast-paced city like Tyler's Landing?"
Blanche: So did you get out of the truck or what?
Rose: Of course. I marched up to the door, and I ran right into Reverend Mackenzie coming out of the bar on the arm of Millie Beasley, wife of Emmett Beasley, our town's most decorated war hero. Emmett received three Purple Hearts, all for head wounds. He ran the feed store in our town. 'course, if the truth be known, Millie was the one who had to make change for the customers.
Dorothy: Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?
Rose: Oh, sorry. Anyway, Reverend Mackenzie made a deal with me. He said if I didn't tell on him, he wouldn't tell on me. So, I went home.
Blanche: Well, did he keep your secret?
Rose: Till the day he died. Which was two days later. Emmett found Millie and the Reverend skinny-dipping in the church's fountain and he shot the both of them. A week later, we became Lutherans.
Blanche: Rose, that isn't a "teenage rebellion" story. That is a "changing religions" story. That is a "who cares?" story. That is a "why-in-the-hell-tell-it-in-the-first-place?" story!

[flashback:]
Rose: This is exactly what happened during the Great Herring War.
Blanche: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Yes. Between the Lindstroms and the Johanssons.
Dorothy: Oh, that Great Herring War!
Rose: The two families controlled the most fertile herring waters off the coast of Norway, so naturally, it seemed like it would be in their best interest to band together. Oh, boy, was that a mistake. You see, they couldn't agree on what to do with the herring.
Dorothy: Oh, well, that's understandable. I mean, the possibilities are overwhelming.
Rose: Exactly. The Johanssons wanted to pickle the herring and the Lindstroms wanted to train them for the circus.
Blanche: Weren't they kind of hard to see, riding on the elephants?
Rose: Oh, not that kind of circus. A herring circus. Sort of like SeaWorld, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.
Dorothy: Tell me, Rose, um did they ever shoot a herring out of a cannon?
Rose: Only once. But they shot him into a tree. After that, no other herring would do it.
Blanche: You're making this up!
Rose: I am not! My grandfather told me that story. Of course, he also used to call me by my sister's name. And sometimes, he'd wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. I guess he wasn't a very reliable source.

Blanche: Dorothy, just a word of caution. I almost lost my Becky when I stuck my nose into her business. Now, believe me, it is not worth it.
Rose: Blanche is right. The same thing happened to the Vikbotters back in St. Olaf. You see, Gretchen had this thing for Buddy, but Mr. Vikbotter didn't approve. He did his best to keep them apart. But one day he came home early and he found Gretchen and Buddy in... How will I say it? A most indelicate situation.
Dorothy: What did he do?
Rose: Well, he yelled at them to stop, but they wouldn't, so he turned the hose on them.
Blanche: He turned the hose on them?
Rose: Well, they were in the front yard.
Blanche: Oh!
Dorothy: Wait. Wait. Wait a minute, Rose. Buddy and Gretchen weren't people, were they?
Rose: Of course not. They were dogs. Gretchen was a Dalmatian, and Buddy was a schnauzer. And Mr. Vikbotter wasn't too happy when he ended up with a litter of schnalmations.
Blanche: You know, Rose, sometimes I wish somebody had turned the hose on your parents.

Rose: Look, there's the old tree house. Gee, when I was a kid my best friend Ingrid and I used to go up there all the time. Oh, gosh, I miss her. I haven't talked to her in ages.
Blanche: Why don't you give her a call?
Rose: Maybe I will.
Blanche: Sure.
Rose: [loudly] Hey, Ingrid!
Woman in the distance: Is that you, Rose? Well, how are you?
Rose: Fine, Ingrid! How are you?
Woman in the distance: Oh, fine. Well, nice talking to you. Bye, Rose.
Rose: Bye, Ingrid! [normally] Oh, boy, thank you, Blanche. That was a great idea.
Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Rose: Please, Blanche, please. I'm too scared to go back to my room. This kind of thing has always frightened me, ever since I was a little girl, when I first heard my parents whispering about the St. Olaf slasher.
Blanche: Slasher?
Rose: Yes. Oh, he terrorized St. Olaf for months. In the dark of night, he'd sneak into an unsuspecting farmer's field and mercilessly slash his scarecrow to shreds.
Blanche: He was a scarecrow slasher?
Rose: Primarily. Although he was suspected in the disfigurement of several whisk brooms. Oh, I was so scared at night, I'd sleep in the closet so he couldn't find me.

Rose: I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia. All our children were conceived on special St. Olaf holidays. Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Jeanella was conceived on Hay Day. That's the day we St. Olafians celebrate hay.
Dorothy: Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labor?
Rose: Then there was the Day of the Wheat when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches. Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.

Rose: Dorothy, in times like these, you have to hold onto your faith, just like Hans Gluckenflunken, St. Olaf's greatest explorer.
Dorothy: Rose, please, let me have a little recovery time before you start a St. Olaf story.
Rose: You see, Hans Gluckenflunken set out for Florida to find the Fountain of Intelligence. Unfortunately, when he got to Duluth, he took a left instead of a right and he wound up back in St. Olaf. That's how he got his nickname, Wrong Way Gluckenflunken.
Dorothy: Rose, how is this a story about faith?
Rose: Well, when he got back, it was the dead of winter. Tired and hungry, but still clinging to his belief that he would find the Fountain of Intelligence, he saw the miracle water trickling out of the ground, and he fell to his knees and tasted it. Unfortunately, it was a broken sewer main. Two days later, he died of cholera.
Dorothy: What is the point, Rose?
Rose: He was positive he had found the Fountain of Intelligence. In fact, his dying words were, "I think I've learned something from this."

Rose: You know what I do when I'm scared?
Sophia: You toss your cookies.
Rose: I mean besides that. I sing.
Dorothy: You what?
Rose: A lullaby my mother used to sing to me when I was a little girl. So, when I'm scared or alone, I sing it and it gives me courage.
Blanche: No song is gonna help me.
Rose: [singing] Over there Over there Send the word, send the word over there That the Yanks are coming-
Dorothy: That is the lullaby that your mother sang to you?
Rose: Well, it was the only song she knew. During World War I she gave out donuts and coffee to the doughboys before they boarded the trains for Europe. It works, truly. She said no one can be scared when they hear that song, except maybe the Kaiser.