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‘Bedtime Story’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Bedtime Story

217. Bedtime Story

Aired February 7, 1987

As the girls worry about having to share beds when their family members come to visit, they reminisce about some uncomfortable nights they've had together.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Please, Blanche, please. I'm too scared to go back to my room. This kind of thing has always frightened me, ever since I was a little girl, when I first heard my parents whispering about the St. Olaf slasher.
Blanche: Slasher?
Rose: Yes. Oh, he terrorized St. Olaf for months. In the dark of night, he'd sneak into an unsuspecting farmer's field and mercilessly slash his scarecrow to shreds.
Blanche: He was a scarecrow slasher?
Rose: Primarily. Although he was suspected in the disfigurement of several whisk brooms. Oh, I was so scared at night, I'd sleep in the closet so he couldn't find me.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, girls, girls, can I please share your electric blanket?
Dorothy & Sophia: No.
Blanche: Oh, come on. I can't sleep. My bed's never been so cold. Especially on a Saturday night.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: What are you doing?
Blanche: I am contouring my eyebrows. I use Miss Christie Brinkley as a guide 'cause we have the exactly same bone structure. I just hope she doesn't go to pot after that baby comes. I don't want that big-eyed husband of hers coming after me.
Rose: I never do very much with my eyebrows.
Blanche: That's why, from the nose up, you look like Wilfred Brimley.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: What a terrible night that was.
Blanche: Oh, it wasn't so bad. Something good did come out of it. I dated Floppo the clown for several months after that. You know, his feet really were that big. Which, of course, as I'm sure you're both aware, means...

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I'm not going to be able to sleep. I'm on the wrong side of the bed.
Blanche: Well, I usually sleep on the right side and I wanna be on the right side.
Sophia: What the hell is everyone so particular about? In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat. It means half your family is on vacation. I slept with my two brothers until I was 17. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time. But that's a separate story.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: What are you doing?
Rose: I've been tinkering with the heater trying to get it to work.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, you're a genius.
Sophia: Boy, that's a sentence you don't hear every day.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Sophia, what are you doing up?
Sophia: I'm cooking. I couldn't sleep.
Blanche: Me neither. What are you making?
Sophia: Sausage and peppers, pasta pesto, and ziti with oil and garlic.
Blanche: Ooh. Ooh. And what's this?
Sophia: Garbage. Rose cooked it.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Besides, everything'll work out fine as long as I do not have to sleep with Rose.
Rose: Me? Why don't you want to sleep with me?
Dorothy: Well, honey, for starters, you talk in your sleep.
Sophia: And let's face it, you're no Dick Cavett awake.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I do not talk in my sleep.
Blanche: Oh, yes, you do too. And you snore.
Rose: No, I don't.
Rose: Dorothy snores.
Blanche: Oh, that's right. Dorothy, you snore worse than a sailor passed out at an adult motel after a night of unbridled passion while I called a cab to take me ho... Never mind. The point is, you snore.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Salvadore, if you wanna fool around, take off your T-shirt. You're gonna get linguine all over me.
Dorothy: Ma. Ma, go back to sleep. It's just me. Dorothy.
Sophia: Get the hell out of my bed.
Dorothy: Ma, have a heart. The heat went out again. I'm freezing to death. You're the only one who has an electric blanket.
Sophia: I'll die under here with you. Your body is like a heat sponge. You'll suck up the heat and I'll get up in the morning a frozen fish stick.
Dorothy: Ma, don't be ridiculous. Just turn up the heat.
Sophia: It's already on nine. On ten you can cook a Lean Cuisine.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: You know, Ma, this reminds me of the time the heat went out in our old apartment back in Brooklyn. I was about, oh, seven years old, 'cause I was still sleeping with my rag doll Mrs Doolittle. I remember I woke up in the night with my teeth chattering. I got out of bed and tiptoed to your bedroom door. I opened it a crack and I whispered, "Mommy, Mrs. Doolittle is cold." "Mommy, Mrs Doolittle-"
Sophia: Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yes, Ma.
Sophia: Cut the crap, I'm not in the mood.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Darn, I forgot something.
Blanche: Go in your pyjamas.
Rose: No, it's not that. I forgot to say my prayers.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night. He's very busy these days. Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Hello, God, it's me. Rose Nylund. I'm sorry to getting in touch so late tonight. I hope I didn't wake you.
Blanche: Oh, God.
Rose: One at a time, Blanche. Anyway, I just wanted to say I think you're still doing a terrific job.
Course, there's some things I don't understand. Like poverty. And the spokesmodel category on Star Search. But then again, you work your wonders in mysterious ways. A couple of years ago, on a night like this, I'd have frozen to death 'cause I was by myself. And now I have Dorothy and Blanche and Sophia to keep me warm. Not just on a cold winter's night, but all year long. Take care of them, God. If anything happened, I just-
Dorothy: [even deeper voice] Rose, thanks for the lovely prayer. Now shut up and get into bed.
Rose: Amen.

Quote from Blanche

[After Dorothy's booming voice got Rose to wrap up her nighttime prayer]
Blanche: Nice work, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Wasn't me.
Blanche: Sweet Jesus, am I in trouble. Now I lay me down to sleep...

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You know, I'd almost forgotten about that night.
Dorothy: With all of us cramped into that bed, I had to sleep in positions I never thought possible.
Rose: Me too.
[Blanche is silent]

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Tell me a story. It always worked when I was a little girl.
Blanche: I don't know any stories.
Rose: Make one up.
Blanche: Oh, all right. Once upon a time, there were three bears.
Rose: Not that one.
Blanche: Pigs.
Rose: No.
Blanche: Elephants and they lived with a girl named Rose.
Rose: The elephants lived in the house?
Blanche: They were elephant dolls. And every night when Rose went to bed, she'd take the elephants with her because they made her feel so safe and secure.
Rose: Elephant dolls?
Blanche: Right. Elephant dolls. Until finally one night, they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went to sleep someplace else. And two big, old escaped convicts snuck in through the window and murdered Rose in her sleep.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, give me a break. I'll take my medicine later.
Sophia: You're a lousy patient, you know what?
Dorothy: What do you want from me? I'm sick.
Sophia: I don't know that? You think I've been sitting here for three nights just to look at you? Believe me, you're no oil painting. I've been sitting here because I thought you needed me. You needed me when you had the mumps, the chickenpox, whooping cough, rubella. Or was Rubella our cleaning lady? It doesn't matter. The point is, it hurts me to see my baby sick. But if I'm only being a nuisance, I'll be happy to leave you alone.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I'm sorry, I'm just cranky. You're right. I am a lousy patient. I always have been. I remember when I was a little girl and I used to get those terrible chest colds. And you'd whip up a batch of that homemade liniment to rub on my chest. Ooh, that was nasty stuff. Cod-liver oil, garlic, petroleum jelly, parsley. I remember once I asked you, "Why parsley?" You said, "Presentation is very important." Oh, whenever I saw you coming down the hall with that ceramic bowl and a paintbrush, I'd run and hide under my bed and cry. Then you'd rub some on my doll, Mrs Doolittle, to show me that it didn't hurt. And I'd come out from under the bed and you'd put it on my chest. Next day I'd always feel better. You remember, Ma? [Sophia is asleep in Dorothy's bed] Good night, Ma. Thanks for everything.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I heard every word that you said. I wasn't asleep. I was just resting my eyes so you'd leave me alone. I used to do that with your father. It only worked about half of the time. Asleep, awake, it didn't matter to him. Men are built that way. No, it's a fact. I saw Dr. Art Ulene explain it on the Today Show with a plastic model.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, it couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard, wooden bench in the middle of a railway station.
Sophia: Boy, you do it anyplace, don't you, Blanche?
Rose: Blanche is talking about coming back from Edna McCarthy's funeral.
Sophia: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh, my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see.

Quote from Blanche

Stationmaster: The 9:15 to Miami left at 8:45.
Dorothy: How could our train have left a half hour early?
Stationmaster: Oh, all the trains out of Apalapachoby leave early. That's what our town's famous for. Now, y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.
Rose: You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?
Stationmaster: No, but he'll balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first.
Blanche: This is like The Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, I don't believe this. This has to be the most depressing day of my life. First, Edna McCarthy's funeral, now this.
Blanche: You know, being at her funeral today made me start thinking about how quickly life can pass you by. Maybe I ought to be more adventurous in my life.
Dorothy: More adventurous? The Kamasutra had to publish a supplement because of you.
Blanche: I'm not talking about men, I'm talking about things I've always wanted to do, but never got around to trying. Dorothy, didn't you ever have something you wanted to do, some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?
Dorothy: I always wanted to try a nudist camp.
Stationmaster: Some big pots belong on the back burner.
Dorothy: Don't you have a cousin you should be dating?


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