Rose: That's a St. Olaf war bond. Charlie bought us those in '42. I didn't realize I still had those.
Blanche: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that St. Olaf printed its own war bonds?
Rose: Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war. Attack cows.
Blanche: Take me now, Lord.
Rose: No one expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly trained killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't till they were airborne that we realized a cow can't pull a rip cord. Well, the project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess.

Rose: Sophia, wills are no joking matter. Charlie tried to be funny with his and left everything to Henrietta, our prized cow. Well, some lawyer got a hold of the will and represented Henrietta on contingency. There I was presenting my side to a jury of her peers. It took over six months to get the farm back.
Sophia: What a terrible story. I mean it. It's a terrible story. But you must have been relieved when you won.
Rose: Oh, yeah. We celebrated with a big, thick steak.

Rose: Oh, speaking at Career Day is quite a responsibility. I still remember Career Day back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: Check, please.
Rose: Gunther Hanchap, St. Olaf's leading shepherd and notary, came to speak. It was so moving when he talked about his solitary existence with the sheep. No human contact for months at a time. Ugh. Just building a special relationship with God's simple creatures. I really wanted to help.
Blanche: So you decided to become a shepherd?
Rose: No. I decided to give Gunther a case of Scotch. And he really appreciated it, until he discovered what mean drunks sheep are. They're kind of like cows when they're drunk. You know what I mean?

Rose: Well, sometimes people need help making decisions. That's the way it was with Thor, our pet lamb. From the time he was first separated from his mother, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't frolic with the other sheep.
Dorothy: You're slipping into verse, Rose. Keep it simple.
Rose: Daddy got the idea of taking this old inner tube, wrapping it in wool and putting it next to Thor's bed at night. We named it Brun Hilda. And believe it or not, it did the trick. Thor felt like he was back with his mother and he began eating and sleeping...
Dorothy & Blanche: And frolicking.
Rose: Yes. But then one day, Thor got a little playful and accidentally bit Brun Hilda. The poor little guy just stood there, watching his mother deflate before his very eyes. He was never the same after that. Oh sure, once in a while he'd "baa" at the back tires of a parked car. But for the most part, he just kind of kept to himself.

Rose: Last year Gretchen Lillehammer won for running into the burning library and saving all the books.
Blanche: That is amazing. How'd she do that?
Rose: She took two books in one hand and one in the other and ran like the dickens.
Dorothy: Your library only has three books? What happens when a person's read them all?
Rose: I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Blanche: If I go back now and tell him the truth, he'll think I'm a liar.
Rose: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to tell a fib.

Rose: Oh, he's adorable! Oh, I love you already. In fact, I haven't felt this way about a dog since... Since Rusty.
Dorothy: Oh, God, not the Rusty story again.
Rose: Charlie brought him home as a present after our first child was born.
Blanche: Oh, I wish we had a doggie door so I could push your head through it.
Rose: Oh, he was the best. Trustworthy, loyal, smart as a whip. Oh, I really thought Rusty was gonna be with our family forever.
Sophia: Dorothy, do we have any candles? I'd like to drip some hot wax in my ears.
Rose: Then one horrible, horrible night, our house caught on fire, and it was Rusty who awakened everybody. It was Rusty who pulled us all to safety. He even dashed back in the burning building to rescue Scruffy, our cat.
All: Whom he never really liked.
Rose: Yes, sir, he was a real hero. Oh, if only he hadn't gone back in for the TV. He was a dachshund, for God's sake. I mean, what made him think he could carry a TV?
Sophia: You know how pig-headed the Germans are.

Dorothy: Look, Marguerite is a lovely person. She just cannot do the job.
Rose: [sighs] I hate to admit it, but you're right. We had a similar situation back in St. Olaf, with Mrs. Gunderson, our grade school teacher. Oh, she was the nicest woman you'd ever want to meet, but as the years went by, she got her facts a little confused. In biology class she started telling kids that the human body was made up of 80% Ovaltine. While we were studying WWI, she told us mustard gas was something you got from eating too many hot dogs. That's why to this day in St. Olaf, everyone celebrates the 4th of July with a thin omelet on a bun.
Dorothy: What do you say after we fire Marguerite, we each chip in and get Rose a CAT scan.

Rose: My Charlie asked me to marry him ten minutes after we met. Course, we were only seven at the time. My mother was so cute when I told her. She said, "Rose, honey, you're just a little girl. You have your entire life before you, and the whole world to see. Now, you wait until you grow up and get sophisticated, and marry at 15 like your sisters."
Blanche: But you didn't.
Rose: No, I was always kind of the gypsy of the family. The rebel. I wanted to see the world. That's why after high school, I went to St. Gustave University to study Latin.
Dorothy: I didn't know you studied Latin.
Rose: First in my class, Orothyday.

Rose: All I know is that Dorothy should find out what kind of a man Elliot really is. Now, if you're her friend, you'll tell her.
Blanche: But honey, she'd be devastated! What kind of a friend would I be to hurt her?
Rose: Well, what kind of a friend would you be if you let Elliot ruin her life? She could marry that man! They could have a child! ... They could adopt a child! And then one night at the country club, possibly during little Mei-Ling's coming-out party, Dorothy's having the time of her life when she goes to the powder room and she overhears the towel lady telling Mrs. Steinbeck that Dorothy's husband, Dr. Elliot Clayton, has bonged every female member of the country club. Can you let that happen to Dorothy? Can you let that happen to little Mei-Ling? Hasn't she suffered enough?
Blanche: Not as much as I have listening to that story.