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‘Yokel Hero’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Yokel Hero

404. Yokel Hero

Aired November 5, 1988

When Rose feels down about her accomplishments in life, Dorothy and Blanche embellish her entry form for St. Olaf Woman of the Year.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Last year Gretchen Lillehammer won for running into the burning library and saving all the books.
Blanche: That is amazing. How'd she do that?
Rose: She took two books in one hand and one in the other and ran like the dickens.
Dorothy: Your library only has three books? What happens when a person's read them all?
Rose: I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: This is unbearable. It must be 110 in here.
Blanche: Dorothy, I'll tell you a very simple way to beat the heat. Just imagine yourself in a cool place. Like a snowy, windy mountaintop in Colorado. With a ski instructor named Fritz. And a bearskin rug and a bottle of brandy and a crackling fire. My God, Dorothy, it must be 120 in here.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: You're just saying that. I haven't added anything to the world.
Sophia: Look, Rose. God doesn't make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you're here to work in a museum so that art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you're here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth. And Rose, you're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the '20s. OK? I'm going to the movies. Good-bye.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I just can't believe we're on our way to St. Olaf. Oh, I'm so excited. You girls are gonna love it. But I guess everybody thinks his home town is pretty special.
Sophia: I know I do. I'll never forget when I went back after many, many years, it was just as I remembered it. Garbage in the street, prostitutes in the doorways, a couple of guys hanging from their heels in the town square... I can't go on. Got a handkerchief?
Blanche: Honey, why are you getting all teary? Sicily sounds just awful.
Sophia: That wasn't Sicily. That was my first apartment in Brooklyn.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Look, there's the old tree house. Gee, when I was a kid my best friend Ingrid and I used to go up there all the time. Oh, gosh, I miss her. I haven't talked to her in ages.
Blanche: Why don't you give her a call?
Rose: Maybe I will.
Blanche: Sure.
Rose: [loudly] Hey, Ingrid!
Woman in the distance: Is that you, Rose? Well, how are you?
Rose: Fine, Ingrid! How are you?
Woman in the distance: Oh, fine. Well, nice talking to you. Bye, Rose.
Rose: Bye, Ingrid! [normally] Oh, boy, thank you, Blanche. That was a great idea.
Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that's the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.

Quote from Rose

Rose: God, I hate fog.
Sophia: Why? You've spent most of your life in one.
Rose: I meant if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What's Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of presidential elections in the mountainside. Let's see. There was Alf Landen, Wendell Wilkie and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche, isn't it obvious? He lost twice. Oh, God, it's making sense!

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live.
Blanche: I can not believe they lost all our luggage. Now I have to go an entire weekend without underwear.
Sophia: Yeah, and you usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Honey, what's the matter?
Rose: Everything. I just found out I'm the most boring person alive.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Why is it they always schedule the charity softball game on the hottest day of the year?
Blanche: I know it. I'm all hot and sweaty, I'm short of breath and I'm physically exhausted. You'd think I had a good time.
Rose: You didn't have fun
Blanche: Only thing I really enjoyed was stealing second base.
Dorothy: When have you not enjoyed sliding under a man in uniform?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I'm giving the leftover meat loaf a thrill. What do you think? It's hot as hell in here.
Dorothy: Close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: OK.
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: I'm gonna call the repairman.
Sophia: I already did. He said he'd be over in 15 minutes. That was three hours ago.
Blanche: Well, let's break out the ice cream. What's this?
Sophia: I froze my underwear to stay cool. I'd lend you a pair, but on you I'm afraid they'd melt too fast.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I'm gonna go to my room and write down my achievements. You know, it doesn't matter whether I win.
I mean, just being nominated is enough.
Blanche: That's a good attitude, Rose.
Rose: It's also a crock of bull. I want that sucker bad.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: This is Fred. He's here to fix the air conditioning.
Blanche: Thank God. This heat's driving me crazy.
Fred: You're not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear.
Dorothy: There's no old lady living- Ma!

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Poor Rose. I hate seeing her so upset.
Blanche: She's just not very good at judging herself. She can't see all her accomplishments the way we can.
Dorothy: You know something, maybe all this résumé needs is just a little punching up.
Blanche: You mean, exaggerate the truth? Create wild and colorful stories just to impress people? Dorothy, you can't do that.
Dorothy: Oh, I know.
Blanche: That's my specialty.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Alright, let's see here. "Found a baby robin that fell out of its tree and returned it to its nest." Make that a baby eagle. Yeah.
Dorothy: "Baby ea-gle."
Blanche: And it happened during a big rainstorm.
Dorothy: "Rains".
Blanche: Which caused a mighty flood that covered all the land.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Blanche, nobody in his right mind is gonna believe this story.
Blanche: This is going to St. Olaf.
Dorothy: "Which caused a mighty flood"

Quote from Sophia

Len: I'm Len, this is Sven and this is Ben. We are the Toppelkoffer triplets.
Dorothy: How odd. You don't look anything alike.
Sven: Oh, really? Well, back in St. Olaf, nobody could tell us apart.
Ben: You can imagine all the fun we had playing tricks on our teachers in school.
Sophia: Which of you brothers has custody of the brain?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Make yourselves comfortable. Sorry it's hot. And here we are in the middle of a heat wave with no air conditioning.
Len: Not necessarily. If Rose wins, you'll be flown to St. Olaf to attend the ceremony.
Dorothy: Well, this year I was planning to watch it on TV.

Quote from Rose

Pilot: [over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen, the fasten-your-seatbelts sign is now off. If anyone knows how to fix it, please report to the flight attendant.
Blanche: I don't get it. Why did we get off that lovely jetliner in Minneapolis and switch to this rickety old thing?
Rose: Because the jets are too big to land at St. Gustave.
Dorothy: St. Gustave? I thought we were flying to St. Olaf.
Rose: Well, St. Olaf doesn't have an airport. The only way you can get to St. Olaf is to fly to St. Gustave and then take land transportation to St. Olaf. Even the birds do it that way when they migrate.
Dorothy: I don't believe this.
Rose: Could be worse. We could be going to Beaver Falls.
Man: Beaver Falls? That's my stop. [pulls a red ribbon, opens the cabin door and parachutes out]

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Where's Ma?
Rose: Oh, my God, no. The curse of the Zumbro Falls tunnel.
Blanche: Sophia!
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: What?
Dorothy: Ma, where are you? Are you all right? [toilet flushes]
Sophia: I am now.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Look at that beautiful sky. That's one of the most wonderful things about being here.
Dorothy: It is beautiful.
Blanche: It is so clear it looks like you could just reach up and touch those stars.
Rose: I can't tell you how many people in St. Olaf have fallen off their roofs trying.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Good morning! Isn't it great to be home?
Dorothy: Oh, absolutely. You know, I have an irresistible urge to kiss every piece of furniture in the house.
Sophia: You wouldn't if you had dates like other people.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, I thought it all over and you were just trying to help me. And I can't stay mad at my best friends. After all, we've eaten over 500 cheesecakes together. Besides, you weren't raised in St. Olaf. It's not your fault you're chronic two-faced liars.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls, look. It's the St. Olaf woman-of-the-year trophy. It says here I won woman of the year after all because I embody the values of truth and honesty for which the award stands.
Sophia: What happened to Emma Immerhoffer?
Rose: She was disqualified when they found a skeleton in her closet.
Dorothy: What was it?
Rose: Mr. Immerhoffer.


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